Diary Entries for DeslateFlwer

Life on the slow track

DeslateFlwer

Been a long while since I have written to myself.... Lots of ups, downs and turn arounds.

They say I am slowly making progress to becoming functional, I don't see it. The little things I do re-learn to do make me feel like its silly little nonsence that I should already know how to do. Almost child like learning is how I have to go about things now. I have a hard time grasping that even little things I do is positive progress. Armand and My mother both think on the same wave l [...]

Touching base

DeslateFlwer

it has been a while since i wrote.. been caught up in my own mind of nothingness. i have a pounding headache today and just wont go away. i promised armand some "me" time tonight when he gets home but i cant even see straight so i think early bed it will be.. funny i can actually use the cliche "not tonight honey i have a headache" haha anyways i ramble on

today my right calf muscles decided to hurt extremly bad. every little movement send a sharp pain through me. i [...]

dear non-sufferer

DeslateFlwer

Dear non-panic disorder sufferer,

There are some things I want you to know about me and my condition.

I am not necessarily shy, that's not what having a panic disorder is. I am an outgoing person who often feels trapped inside a wall of fear. I get really angry sometimes because what I feel like is the real me is trapped behind my anxiety. I probably want to be affectionate and laid back and fun at any given time but you make me nervous. It's not your fa [...]

Numb

DeslateFlwer

Having a hard time grasping my feelings today, i feel numb. I know i should be angry or hurt. Armand gave me a promise and broke it yet again. He let me know his friend dan needed him friday afternoonto help out with some woodwork outside. i gave him "the look", and he got snappy saying he wasnt sleeping there and i just stared at him. he them said i PROMISE i am not sleeping there its just the afternoon he needs me. so i said we will see right? he leaves at 4pm friday and it is now [...]

Breakthrough,,yet still broken

DeslateFlwer

I know its been a few days since i wrote and updated how i have been holding out. the pains in my hips are getting worse, to the point i am in tears anytime i take a deep breath inward. Still ahve not gone to the clinic to ask about pain meds or get my "bum" issue looked at. I've been reading like crazy, unsure where this sudden feeling of wanting to read every waking second came from. in ways i think its kind of unhealthy, i read sometimes 15 hours straight and pass out w [...]

So furious!

DeslateFlwer

My anger is swooning right now. I am not a very alert person when i wake up. I get in a very bad mood over anything in the first 20 minutes of waking up. as long as i can get the dreams out ofmy mind when i wake up then i am fine, no anger. Today Armand thought it be best that he spend another weekend out at his friends house... out of town. you would think after last weekend of me almost leaving him three times it would have made him think to make me feel wanted this weekend? even if i [...]

Justified Anger

DeslateFlwer

This WHOLE weekend has made me question my whole life.. Shall i recap it all -shutters-

On monday me and Armand had a discussion about me going out of the house and doing things with him. Mestating i want him to invite me out more and him always having excuses why not to.. So he ended up getting invited to his friend josh's house for Sunday, he was having a Canada's day party. I told him i am overjoyed that he asked me and for sure i would go and maybe even drink a little [...]

As i slowly drip emotions

DeslateFlwer

Today has been one heck of a lonely day. Started off with an argument with Armand over not having food in the house or money to get any. So instead he goes and gets himself of a coffee. I feel likei am nothing to anyone anymore. Noone truly cares what happens to me or how i feel. I am so sad and lonely on the inside and i cant hide it anymore. Everyday i look like i have no life inside me. I yearn for a simple hug, for deep eye staring gazes. Someone to think of me whenever they go anyw [...]

Where art thou Mr Sandman?

DeslateFlwer

After a whole night of text arguing with Armand i am completely exhausted but cant seem to sleep. While at work I would write him a long 3 page message and he would respond back with minimal responsesor wouldnt respond at all. I was terrified to tell him how i was feeling because i could feel he was getting more upset as i was writing, but i couldnt stop myself i felt i had to tell him he hurt me. I think i have been taking out all my frustrations on him.I have noone else i can vent to or sha [...]

A life of Slumber

DeslateFlwer

I am feeling very depressed today.Finally a day with very low pain and it has to be consumed with depression. I didnt move off the couch STILL, i decided to sleep for 6 hours instead of face the world.

Had another argument about finances and the over use of recreational habits with Armand. I make very little every month as i dont work anymore. But i am not upset over the fact i am among the "poor" in society. I am not a material person, i dont own some fancy cellphone wi [...]

Insomnia VS memories

DeslateFlwer

Morning Diary,

Cant sleep this morning i feel as tho i have lost sence of time. Dozed off and on around 3am and woke steady again at 7am. My hand has been starting to hurt extremly bad. I was in tears for about 2 hours last night from the pains in my hand. Started to hurt again just now so i have put an arm tension band on hopefully it lets up soon.

Days seem to get longer for me. Bordem sets in very quickly when you live in your apt 24/7. I enjoy drawing and reading b [...]

Ranting

DeslateFlwer

Having a hard time tonight to keep my thoughts off my past. I pulled out an old transcript from my mom and fathers divorce meeting with my father. Not knowing him from age 7 on and reading this kind ofscares me. Is this the image i want to paint for him? Growing up without him was extremly hard. One day i was his world and he did everything with me and the next day he would abuse me and only made me feel special when he abused me. Why do i want his approval so much? why do i even care what [...]

Addicted to a certain kind of sadness

DeslateFlwer

Woke up today every few hours. Why do i keep having restless nights??? I went and seen my counselor today "David Scar". I was so nervous to go, last i seen him was early may. I cancelledour second visit due to physical illness and didnt realize he had called me twice to rebook. I have a fear of answering the phone to numbers i am unsure of. I told him i had been so scared he would not want to see me again or that he would treat me different because of this mishap. He assured m [...]

A week of AGGRAVATION

DeslateFlwer

It has been almost a week since I last wrote. Monday I lost My Internet Modem due to the company's negligence. I cancelled my cable because i can get every show i like online anyhow so its a wasteof 30$ a month that i dont have. When my modem goes out my phone goes with it because it is a cable phone. SO had to use the last 30$ i had on me to buy a phone card for my cell so i could get ahold of the company and see whats going on with my account. They could not find a problem and could not [...]

A sence of Accomplishment

DeslateFlwer

What a night, i tossed and turned all night long UGH! To top it all off my spine was extra horrible and i fully woke up every-time i tossed or turned. I asked Armand to look and see where it was swollen, he said my entire spine was red and looked like scar tissue. As if i had just had major surgery and wasnt healing properly YIKES! I am barley able to stand today, my spine cuts off nerves and makes body parts lose the ability to function. I'll be walking to the bathroom and almost f [...]

Cold and confused

DeslateFlwer

Woke up today after a much much much needed sleep. was shooting for 1pm but missed it by 2 hours. My spine was in an extreme amount of pain as i hobbled around doing my wake up rituals. Lit up a jayto help soothe the pains(which worked surprisingly). I pump myself up in my mind that today i am going to go for the walk i been promising my BF for over a month now. I go get dressed come sit on the couch and stare at the floor in complete amazment that i went and got dressed. thinking i am really [...]

relationships and batterd thoughts

DeslateFlwer

Today was a semi productive/ irritating day. I finally got the courage up to go to the walk in clinic(as i dont have a family doctor i usualy go only to this one clinic so all my medical files are in one place) y regular thursday DR. wasnt in today which made me very nervous but i figured i am here i mise well get a few small items checked off my list of importance.

So with that sai i finally got a repeat for my blood pressure meds(been without them since mid january) . The Dr. scolded [...]

Swollen hips and painful tips

DeslateFlwer

Been lost in a fog for most of the weekend. Where the time goes I dont know. It kind of feels like alice looking through a looking glass. I can physically see whats going on around me. I can physicallyhear what is going on around me. Yet I am frozen in time, as if I am just an observer of what is going on around me. I dont hear voices, just my own inner self trying to rationalize every minor detail of every little thing in my life. I don't see people, images or other such things that are [...]

Unexpected turn of Events

DeslateFlwer

UPDATE: After calling my mom and filling her in a little bit on what my day was like, she really pulled through for me today. My day started out on the bad side. Woke up to having major IBS painsso bad i was in Tears. Finally crawl myself over to the couch i put on ssn 6 of House MD(love it). My Boyfriend tells me hes running to the store to pick up some plant food that we need. I ask him if he is paying the rent on his way there or on his way back?. He started a big fight with me about [...]

Life's limits defined..so lost

DeslateFlwer

Why am I so broken? The simple things everyone does on a daily basis are proven to be harder for me. My illnesses are starting to effect the only relationship i have managed to not screw up. I want to be better now! I know you cant rush the mind, and rushing leads to relapse i just wish there was a magic wand to make things better.

My boyfriend keeps thinking i am just being difficult and not going to pay our rent out of laziness. How can i make him see it [...]