|Jun 02 2012|
Why am I so broken? The simple things everyone does on a daily basis are proven to be harder for me. My illnesses are starting to effect the only relationship i have managed to not screw up. I want to be better now! I know you cant rush the mind, and rushing leads to relapse i just wish there was a magic wand to make things better.
My boyfriend keeps thinking i am just being difficult and not going to pay our rent out of laziness. How can i make him see its not me thats not able to go and pay it, its my illness preventing me. He feels its an excuse i am using on a daily basis for not doing things outside of the house. Its not true, i long to go outside, i yearn for the comfort of friends company. day after day i sit and stare out my window wishing i could just go out there and feel the grass on my toes.
we fought yesterday all day long over finances. I am on S.S. so i make the bare minimum. I have been telling myself i am goin to ask for a pension but everytime i get the courage i convince myself that the doctor is going to say that its because i am lazy not because i cannot function in society. My boyfriend is forever on me to just go and ask, it would help out with the bills i have pilling up.
i am quickly falling into another hole, it seems bleek and meaningless. I am about to just give up and put myself in a mental ward so i dont burden anyone else. no issues, no problems, no finger pointing.... i can hate myself in a white room... i know its just the illness talking but i dont know what else to do other then hurting myself to snap out of this and maybe get a clear thought pop in my head. ahhhhhh
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02/06/2012 the beginning
felt a little depressed yesterday.