Memoir of an Insider

Woke up today every few hours. Why do i keep having restless nights??? I went and seen my counselor  today "David Scar". I was so nervous to go, last i seen him was early may. I cancelledour second visit due to physical illness and didnt realize he had called me twice to rebook. I have a fear of answering the phone to numbers i am unsure of. I told him i had been so scared he would not want to see me again or that he would treat me different because of this mishap. He assured me unless i was missing for 6months in which they would come looking for me, that i was always welcome at their office if i needed them. -Big relief-  

 It was super hot out today, record breaking humidity. 46c/114f and the humidity was at 56% or something like that. So having to go out in that alone was nerve wrecking. I was scared 1. because i am an Agor Obviously and 2. i thought my apt was at 930am and i had missed it(i went at 230). so i was hoping it was at 230 and not 930, which luckily enough i was right it was at 230.

Discussed a bit about my cousin james, and how i have been since i last seen him. gave him a list of my phobia, my sleep schedule and a short list of times i lose time. He brought up my father a little bit and seen how upset it made me and knew where my missing puzzle piece stems from. said we would chip away at it eventually but for right now we will focus on getting to know me and how i run my life. I am proud of myself for going and opening up even if its just a little bit.

I have been having a lot of crazy thoughts these days. more often then not of harming myself. or Hurting others, and things like not deserving to live and wanting to die. even when i am the happiest of moods a voice inside my head tells me that i shouldnt be enjoying myself. I dont want to die i actually fear dieing alot. But i am forever thinking about it and i will litteraly fight with my own thoughts in my head and tell myself that i want to live and stop thinking this. Am i losing whats left of my mind?

 I havnt "cut" myself in just over a month go me! But i have been picking at the sides of all 10 of my fingers to the point they bleed. they look so embarrassingly ugly but i cant stop pulling the skin off it hurts so much but i keep doing it.

 I went out tonight again. walked to the park by my place its not to far. maybe the length of 3 average size driveways away. other then the mosquitos  that were swarming me i felt very calm.  mm thats all i can think of writing for now i am getting finger cramps :D