|Jun 26 2012|
I am feeling very depressed today.Finally a day with very low pain and it has to be consumed with depression. I didnt move off the couch STILL, i decided to sleep for 6 hours instead of face the world.
Had another argument about finances and the over use of recreational habits with Armand. I make very little every month as i dont work anymore. But i am not upset over the fact i am among the "poor" in society. I am not a material person, i dont own some fancy cellphone with a fancy plan, i dont have cable tv or a blueray player,no gaming system or games for any system,i dont smoke or drink or do any "drugs". I dont go out to bars or movies or other such costly places. I would be very happy spending the day sitting by the water and just relaxing with maybe a book and a joint or two.
Armand on the other hand has gaming systems with all the latest games that come out. Nice expensive android cell with a semi expensive plan. Drinks EVERY weekend, does "other" drugs for a fun time. Smokes cigs, and goes out for coffees on a daily basis sometimes three times a day. Now i understand he works and makes the majority of the money(we live together and have lived together for 11 yrs), So i dont make a major fuss when he does spend almost all his money on himself. It just hurts that every time we run out of something whether it be slow or semi fast he throws it in my face as if its my fault it went and we dont have money to replace because i dont work. Then i chime in i wasnt the only one using whichever it is, he comes back with yea but i work and make the money any you only bring in 600/month.
I feel like i am a giant financial burden on him every time he acts like this. Then when i get upset and show him this is how me makes me feel he then turns it around and makes me feel bad for making him feel bad so i always end up being the one who apologize. I dont use more then what i could afford on my own because he has a tendency to throw this in my face enough times that i dont work so it is habit now. i would turn the home phone off as well if i wasnt waiting on a call for an important surgery.
Maybe i shouldnt take all this so much to heart but it truly makes me feel like another problem rather then a needed component in their life. I just want to feel like i am wanted or needed or even a priority in someones life no matter how small a role i would play. I dont know why but today it just really hit me and i am super super depressed to the point i dont even want to live anymore. I wouldnt be a burden on anyone, they wouldnt have to worry if i was alright, if they hurt my feelings, if they Angered me, if i am eating or not...ect
I am on the verge of self hurting myself to snap out of this rut but i have a feeling inside of me that i want to be sad and i deserve to hurt this bad. I need a friend who will worry about my well being and help me get my life in gear. i have noone who cares about me enough to see why i am isolating myself and to kick my butt out the house to do things with them.
-sigh- maybe ill go back to bed and sleep another 6 hours away i dont feel like being coherent
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