Me and myself

So it's now three in the morning and still can't sleep.  I called the local crisis center twice.  Now I'm waiting for my pdoc to call back.  Nothing like sitting by the phonebegging it to ring.

I've gone through so many cycles in just 24 hours.  It's now to the point I'm rocking as I sit here on the computer.  I can't get control.  I've tried all the ways I know that have helped even slightly before.  This 'episode' is not through.

I won't be stupid.  I can't.

Life doesn't make sense.  Never really  has, but now it's like  a ball, bouncing from one side to the other.  Or maybe it's just my thoughts.  Yeah, it's probably just me.  Everyone else looks to me to be doing fine.

I'm disappointed.  Mostly in myself.  Yup I'm a perfectionist and I've never met my expectations. Nor will I ever.

I feel bad for having the answering service call my pdoc and wake him in the middle of the night.  But isn't that one of the things he gets paid for?

I don't know.