|Jun 24 2011|
matt, i feel myself giving up today. i try so hard to begin each day a fresh, be positive, upbeat & cheerful.. i promise myself i will stop making myself sick after each meal & will finallyget better and be a better person inside & out.
james stopped talking to me a month ago now. without any notice or provocation, he has abandoned me to my own thoughts. funny how it al goes so well when i see him and the moment i go away, he forgets about me completely. i wish i could stop thinking about him & the times we spent together, but it hurts to think he may actually be with someone else. I don't blame him, but it still isn't something i want to put myself through particularly.
I feel ridiculous... just plain stupid, the fact that i can't get something as silly & childish out of my mind, but there it is matt. i have to write it down to try to make it go away!
I can't stop eating junk & drinking tea. I am being pathetic about the whole situation & have lost the control that i have been trying so hard to maintain for the last 5 years. My mind & life is a mess at the moment, and although my new job provides a temporary escape, i still have far too much time during the day to think about food, james & what the hell im going to do next.
i need to man-up really, and just get on with it, but it's far simpler saying it then actually getting it done, you know?! It's frustrating having to keep it all in, bottling it all up & being shaken around like crazy & not being able to let it out before the pressure builds up & you just explode with hatred/anger/rage.
I still can't get that day with Mary out of my mind. When she pushed me right over the edge & i actually wanted to end it all right there & then.. I was so angry that she had made me so hateful/bitter & twisted with rage. To think that by trying to be a strong person you make yourself so vulnerable to these other factors, that when they strike you, ,you act in a way you never thought possible, levels you never thought you would have to stoop to, just to get your point across without being badgered, walked over or stepped on... it still grates me at the core of my humanity.. i can not believe that i let her see that side of me... that she let that side of me to the surface & saw her sister turn into something wild & crazy. I had to scare her in order to stop her from scarring my heart or my head any further... how ludicrous is that matt??? do you still care how i feel or are you bored of listening to me moan yet???
Well, I've had a little cry now, just enough to wet the cheeks & make the screen go all blurry through red eyes & i feel better for letting a bit of the tension out in the open... thank you for listening! xxxx
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