My dad died this past week after a long struggle with Emphysema and also. I think. from losing his wife (my mom) three years ago.

My dad grew up in a small town in Ohio. He lost hisfather at an early age and lived with his mom but spent most of his time at his granny's house (a farm in the country). When he graduated high-school and  started going to OSU in Columbus. He couldn't afford to live there so he hitch hiked too and from on the weekends and stayed with whoever he could through the week.

He met my mom at the Ohio State Fair one summer. They were both working at the Borden Building that sold swiss cheese sandwiches and ice cream. My mom worked the counter and my dad worked maintenance and also stayed there at night as a watchman.  All the counter girls thought my dad was so cute and "mysterious". He was very shy and reserved and kept to himself. My mom. on the other hand was very outgoing and on a bet went over to talk to him. The rest, as they say, is history.

Dad was blessed with three girls. We lived in a small rental property that had one bathroom. He adjusted his hours so he got up at 5 am so he could use the bathroom! He came home right before we got home from school (probably also to use the bathroom lol). 

Dad had been raised without much physical affection. Actually not much verbal either, but what he didn't show in hugs and kisses he did in deeds. Playing football with us, him and us three against another family of three boys. We won most of the time! Helping put together a fort out in our back yard consisting of scraps we dragged home. Making homemade Halloween costumes to rival any store bought ones. Making homemade ice cream. He created a clay board that had three different "lands". One was a western town, another a cave man dwelling complete with dinosaurs, and then a knight and dragon area. A "river" ran down the middle. We spent hours of winter time, days and nights, creating people, horses, trees, houses etc. and making up stories. He built doll houses for us, rebuilt bikes, helped us find various small pets who escaped from there cages before the cat got them.

Later years were taken up with my mom (who had bipolar) and her extravagant ideas, moods and breakdowns. He vary rarely inter feared with  her grandiose ideas as long as they didn't hurt her or us. If she wanted to have dessert for dinner that was fine with him, if she wanted to listen to the Beetles for days at a time that was also ok. When they finally got a diagnosis and name for her illness, he took her to doctors, and made sure she took her medicines. During all of this he still made sure we were taken care of. Some times leaving work to come home and make us lunch, making sure we were up for school. 

Dad didn't continue in college after he got married and worked for the same company for 20 years. He also worked a part time job in the summer at a local plant nursery. He would often take us with him to work and let us help him plant trees. 

As we got older and as all teens do found new interests and friends he spent more time looking after my mom. She had gotten a degree in nursing and (as we all know) sometimes worked for a couple years then couldn't work for a time. He dealt with the finances accordingly, taking on extra work.

When he was 45 years old he took a chance and time for himself to go back to school and get his degree as an Occupational Assistant. He then took a job in a Nursing home where he found a whole new group of people to care for. 

When I got married and then pregnant with our first daughter, my husband was in the military and couldn't be there for the birth. My dad and mom were there with me. I had to have an emergency C-section and was sedated. Dad heard my daughters first cry and was the first one to hold her!

By now it seems like my dad had no faults. He would be the first to tell you that he was not perfect. He was extremely competitive  at games. We would play board games, and cards and he would have to win! Once we were playing soldiers outside. We all had our own regiment of plastic soldiers and the way we fought our wars was with a squirt gun. If your soldier was "shot" and got wet, he was dead. Dad decided to make raincoats out of leaves so they wouldn't get wet! When we played at the clay board. We would throw darts to "shoot" cowboys or dinosaurs. To our surprise the darts would bounce off his men or creatures. It turned out he was freezing his men or creatures thus making them impenetrable! He was very controlling and wanted everything his way. Schedules were set and chores and punishments were dealt. 

As stated above, Dad wasn't into physical affection nor words but as he got older and especially after my mom died, we were able to exchange hugs and I love you's. Once again I think he was fulfilling a need that my mom usually met but it also allowed him to verbally express his own feelings.

Dad shaped my life and gave me so many positive values. He also gave my husband the strength and encouragement to face a lifetime with a bipolar wife and mother. 

I miss you daddy, and I know you are up there with mom continuing to look out for your three girls and there families!

 

 

Some of you may have noticed I haven't been hanging out here lately. My life has become so overwhelming that it all I can do too function on a daily basis. Between my oldest daughters separation from her husband and up coming divorce, too my middle daughter being involved in a law suite with her former employer, to the same daughter and her husband moving, too my sisters legal troubles, to my youngest daughter being deployed, to my husband and my ongoing health issues, oh yeah and the grass needs to be cut!

Now...my dad was just sent to a nursing home after having a huge mental and physical meltdown. He is going down hill fast. I haven't seen him in about a year and a half. We have kept in touch by phone and letters but after the death of my mom a couple years back, it just hasn't been easy to go. Now he is barley recognizing people and flat on his back. Two weeks ago he was at home, and functioning quite well. Going up town everyday, even involved in a re-hab program for his emphazima. 

There is no point to this entry except I guess for me too vent and get it on paper so maybe it will all stop running through my head on a constant loop!

Lesson learned though, stick to the boring life and be careful what you wish for! 

 

 

So me and my councelor have been working on boundries. I have three grown girls who have there own lives now which I have a hard time staying out of. Of course a lot of the time they suck me back inwith a need for help but I can't always just give them what they ask without giving them my opinion or input etc.

I have always had this kind of a problem not only with my kids but with other family members, co workers etc. . I always feel the need to fix everything for everyone. Maybe because I have such a hard time fixing myself! Also have hard time saying no! No to working more hours, staying later, doing extra work. Saying no to family changing plans  I have made to suit themselves. Saying no to the kids schools ( when they were little) and needed last minuet help. Saying no to friends and family who need help with, moving, a loan, transportation, a place to live...

Don't get me wrong. I love to help people. I just wish I could learn to say no when it is not a good time for me. When I am already streched to thin and bordering on collaps. Or when I take it out on my husband or family when I am frustrated about the request.

So, I have been practicing on not only saying no but maintaining my boundries. One thing I had to do was tell my husband to do the same thing. Because even when I am suceeding, he will get sucked in and I will have to pull him out or get sucked in too.

I know there is a fine line between help and enabling I just need to find it. Maybe some new glasses will help!

Well today was a rough one for me. My littlest, youngest, baby daughter...ok she is 19, left for her new duty station in Okinawa, Japan. She will be stationed there for two to three years. She doesn't know where else they will/can send her while there. I am excited for her new adventure also really proud of her. When she was little she didn't even like to go spend the night at someone else's house! When we went out to eat she couldn't order for herself. When we were ordering pizza to be delivered she would refuse to call...LOL I miss her already and she is probably still in the air! 

 

What a crappy two days. Well actually it started last night so a day and a half. 

So stupid me forgot to take my evening meds until 11pm last night! I usually take them at 8pm. The only reason I remembered is by 10:30 I was starting to feel sick to my stomach and dizzy by 10:45 I was about to toss my cookies and thought..."uhh I don't think I took my meds". But then I started doubting myself and was afraid to take them if I had actually already did. Then I decided I really didn't so I took them. It took me a good hour and a half to calm down and get to bed. Then my husband decided to toss and turn which made me feel even queazier! 

Woke up an hour before I needed to but still felt crappy so I got up and forced a bowl of oatmeal down. That helped the tummy some.

The rest of my crappy day entailed work which was one of those days I couldn't do anything right. Kept making stupid mistakes which resulted in the boss getting mad and me getting even more stressed so making more mistakes! I felt yechy all day in the tummy and got off late so I came home and ate some cereal. I also have a headache due in part to the weather front we have coming. 

When I my husband came home I whined and cried to him but he was in a less than supportive mood so then I got mad at him. Then he tried to suggest that I go take a walk (which usually does help my moods) and I got mad at him again! Great huh! So he went to take a walk with our dogs and I decided to write this out so I can let it go..yeah right! 

Any how welcome to my pity party...chips and dip and sodas on the counter! 

I called and asked my dad the other day why he use to call my mom Mooter baum...he just laughed and said he didn't remember it was just a silly nick name.

My mom passed away 2 and 1/2 yearsago, very suddenly from a brain aneurism. She was in a nursing home due to her Bi polar and Alzheimer combination. Plus her caretaker (my dad) had been diagnosed with Emphazima   years earlier and the care taking had become to much.

The place she lived was actually helping her stabilize and she was really starting to get around and have better memory control. She was a nurse and the staff use to joke about her "bugging" them if they didn't respond quick enough to a residence call! LOL

My memories of her are very mixed. Not only some good and some bad but some so mixed up I have had to ask my older sister what is real and what is not sometimes.

Earliest memories are of her listening to the Beetles or Jesus Christ Superstar over and over...eating pudding for dinner...sitting up late at night watching horror movies with her and ordering dominoes pizza.

Some other memories a little later on was her sitting at the dinning room table that she took over for several years while completing her nursing degree. Typing on a "real" typewritter.

One disturbing memory that my sister confirmed was her spending a year on our couch in the living room. Only getting up to go to the bathroom and when we convinced her to bathe. Sometimes it was all I could do to get her to the bathtub to wash her hair. I remember during this time sitting on the floor by her and telling her about my outside world. I also remember that someone always had to be home with her. My dad changed his hours at work to be with her when we were in school.

Later memories include my middle sister who was the "difficult" child and one time she was in trouble and she was suppose to be writing down where she went so my dad would know since my mom didn't want to deal with her. My mom confronted  her trying to leave the house while I was sitting near the door she was trying to exit and my sister basically told my mom to F___ off. My mom flew in to a rage and chased my sister up stairs with me running after them both yelling for my older sister. By the time I got up there my older sister had come out of her room upstairs and ran in to the bathroom to pull my mother off my sister. She was trying to strangle her.

Later memories are when I was in my late teens and early twenties. Her sitting in the living room on my wedding day in a beautiful dress she made for herself and me in her traditional wedding gown just having a quiet moment. She and my father at the hospital when I had my first daughter since my husband was away in the military. The look of amazement on my moms face when she came down to Panama to visit us on an over seas assignment.

My final memory comes in two parts the first was the last time I saw her. She was in the nursing home and we had lunch out in the common room. She had arranged it so we could eat at a table by a bay window that overlooked flowers planted by my aunt for her and the residents. I looked at her and told her about her latest great grandson that my daughter had just had and how we would bring him up for her to see. I thought that she understood as she held my hand. She asked when dad would be there to see her. I gave her a hug and a kiss and said he would be there soon. I looked back at the flowers as I left and smiled because I felt that she was actually at peace with her illness. The second part was the last time I talked to her on the phone. I would call the nursing station and they would go get her and bring her down to the phone. Sometimes we would talk about the old days and my sisters and father or her grand-babies. Other times she would talk mostly about the residence and staff there. The thing is... I can't remember what we talked about the last time. It really bothered me for awhile. For some reason I felt like I had to know, I had to remember...then I realized what I said last. "I love and miss you mommy".

and yes, I am bawling like a baby right now...I love and miss you mommy! Happy Mothers Day! 

 

 

 

 

So for the past several weeks each of my older two daughters have been going through a difficult time. The oldest has a husband of 4 years trying to decide if he wants to be married any more (they have two children) and my oldest got fired for no reason from her salon and the owner locked her out then removed her equipment to her own house to hold for ransom for money she says Amanda owes her but doesn't. So she had to file a civil suite against her but in the mean time can't work. So anyhow with all this stress and my own "issues" I have been a little on the unbalanced side. My therapist has been helping me to put boundaries up when dealing with my kids problems with coping techniques. As a result of all this my anxiety level has been going up steadily and anger is at a all time high. 

So the past two days I have been dealing fairly well and yesterday went to the med doc. I was actually in one of my coping moods along with a strong dose of humor when I saw her.

So why is a trip to the med doc is like a trip to the hair dresser? Cause when you make an appointment to get your hair done it's because you are not happy with your hair in some way then when the appointment time comes you have the best hair day ever! LOL

So when I went to the med doc yesterday and tried to describe what had been going on and how I was feeling she looked at the mood I was in and my humor was spilling out and she was like. "Well it seems to me like you are coping very well"......

Guess I'll make a hair appointment.... 

So...at work today I had a small victory. I get blamed for a lot since I am new and ...oh I work as a designer in a print shop....and the printer and I have been butting heads since day one. He blamesanything that goes wrong with the printing on me saying I didn't set up the file right or give him the right proof! Today he stuck his proverbial foot in it when he accused me of not giving him an updated proof of one of the forms I was working on. He was proved wrong when one of the owners daughters (who works part time) found the correct version right where I said I put it! Yea....

I still take things way to personally there. I always have in all aspects of my life. I am working on it but...crap it takes a long time with a lot of setbacks. Day in day out up and down forward and backwards. Life is that way I guess. 

So I knew the week at work was going to well. Today sucked! Everything coming at me at once. I still had stuff on my desk when I left. Oh well! At least it is sunny today. Can't stand the gloomy days. I was finally able to finish a book last night. Things were quiet and my mind focused for awhile. Random thoughts...

I never understood why they called it hump day until today. I think in my case it's because I started out this week with little work to do and today I came in to a pile or a hump...or a mountain. I always play catch up on Thursday and Friday. I am glad I am functioning enough to work even part time.