manthacarrie

Dear Husband,

My heart was placed in your hands quite some time ago.  I believed you like a child let my head drop on your shoulder like a child while you were away.  I thought about you today while you were away you were working those "long hours"....maybe....I thought about you while you were away sitting next to me and while you were away in a closed up room. I mis

I cannot stop crying and I am dissapointed in myself for that...I have not given in to b/p except....well getting really drunk until my belly was screaming pain so I did...maybe that does count I dunno.  Is it better to be alone ? Maybe I should be single ...im tired of the pain...but loneliness will get to me.  Im too old for this shit!

It has been a very long time since I have been on here.  I have been off of anti- depressants for over a year now originally I had just gotten off of them because I was pregnant.  It was so amazing to finally be happy and to be happy while off of medication.  Now my daughter is 4 months old and I can feel myself creep back to my old ways.  I was sooo proud of myself for being s

Things are getting better and I'm starting to feel better :)

Just found out I was pregnant two days after I got engaged one day after  I found out my sister in law is also pregnant I'm emotional excited but I hate this pregnancy thing walking aroundlike a :someone is going to be hired to carry a tuba behind me as I walk "bump badda da da da bump da..da I feel so faaaaaat I love having this website because I can be honest about how I feel.

Normally I am doing so good with the b/p really I feel like I am in a maintenance phase I usually only submit to it once or twice a month at worst and a couple of months to three times a month at bestand usually I only do it once but yesterday I did it twice, and wouldn't even let myself eat until I was so damn ravenous in the evening.  Something is up nothing has changed really except my

I keep trying to make myself miserable because I don't look the way I want to.  It's so stupid especially when I still can't get myself off of candy!  I should be very happy I thinkI need to stop looking in the mirror for awhile.... hmmm or go blonder force myself to do that ab workout I got been doing good getting myself back to the gym except yesterday

Haven't been able to workout been sick and I'm very dissapointed about it I missed 3 workout sessions this week :( However I've just got to keep moving forward I think tomorrow I will haveno problem getting to the gym. 

Went crazy on some oreos and some doughnut like bread ate lots and lots wanted to throw it up wanted to cry but just laid down in bed and talked myself out of it.  Haven't missed a day at thegym staying positive I miss being the way I was before when I walked into a public area and men just looked at me tried to start conversations with me and now I just get to watch it happen to other gi

Feel so much better about my crazy emotional vent I posted last time.  I'm doing really good got me a gym membership haven't missed a day yet did an assessment on me ...i'm pretty muscularcome to find out! Well that's a plus...still a chunk..but whatever I'll lose it again like I did like the last fricken five times.  Havent b/p since the last time I admitted it on he

I had another dream about my dad.  I think it's because he's been comming around my mom makes him wait in the car so as to not upset my PTSD with regards to him but when I went out to my car he kept trying to talk to me desperately getting as close to me as possible invading my space it felt like he was going to crawl on top of me.  In a way I feel sorry for him his eyes water an

okay so my eating has calmed down...I am slowly becoming more and more stable and I think that I like this lexapro...except that I don't have a sex drive ...well really I don't care I just feela little bad for my boyfriend but he can just take some extra long showers I know that seems kind of mean but it's better than binging and purging then binging and forcing yourself not to purge .

Gaining weight eating like a piggie last night I was holding my turtle my boyfriend came up to me and said "You know maybe it's time we put the turtle on a diet" I looked at my little buddyand watched him try to stuff his little head back into his shell with all his little fat rolls getting in the way... pellet sticks and lettuce for him and that's it...I soooo know how he feels

I wanted to finally feel more in control of my life of my poor habit I had a med change that didn't go over so well...went to the fair last night I was like Templeton the rat at the fair from charlottesweb but I didn't get rid of it that time around.  It's so weird now it feels like I don't even have a problem like things are 100 percent a-okay, who knows how I will feel ab

So yeah I went on my goody two shoes eating only healthy foods excersizing quest and lost no weight so I went a lil crazy ate a bunch of bad shit embraced my laziness and didn't gain weight. WHATEVER!!! That is just how i'm feeling right now.  I am working on a project right now I am finding women in magazines that have normal looking healthy body weights and I am going to focus on

Well I do like to watch Joyce Meyers in the morning before I head off to my school and it does give me comfort, however lately i'm just pissed off.  I know that I have many reasons to be greatfuland that I am like a toddler throwing a huge temper tantrum down here.  Faith being tested...well shit I am just not enjoying this 3 year test especially when I have been more good than bad.&

Tomorrow is my birthday and really I just want my car working well and the new turtle we have to not stink up the living room, but whatever happens I am going to be happy I am going to have a good day :)

Had 2 slip ups after 2 months...well I was starting to get pissed eating all the right things getting more excersize counting my calories and not losing a single pound.  So I prayed

Had to cut down on my ADD pills little conversations going on everywhere in the classroom kinda want to yell at people to shut up.  I can't think about what I'm going to do when I get home, can't think about anything but the three conversations going on around me. "Blah Blah Blah Blah" SHUT UP!!!! The instructor left the classroom he's been gone for a while ...I wond

Alright I relapsed I have the need to tell on myself everytime.  But dont you think that it isn't that often I'm still doing alright for me?  I had a three day  eating binge thathas finally stopped today the weird thing is that before this freak out and binge I actually lost about 10 pounds so why I had to freak out I dunno I guess it was just time for a good freak out. 

Things are getting better I am eating healthier working out more often (not as often as I'd liked) and my moods are staying relatively stable I just tell myself that It is okay to feel what I feelfor no damn reason sometimes it's just like my brain is the weather.  I cannot always control my brain and the obvious chemical imbalance that I have lol.  I am becomming more calm more

Broke down and finally went to the doctor and now I have a prescription for my anti-depressants and I get back on my ADD medication thank god because it is a miracle worker for weight loss and I've gained 10 pounds but "more importantly" (i'm bulimic you know me lol) because school has become unbearable and so has cleaning the house without doing like five other things. B

B/p again! ugh!!! I couldn't get my meds at the pharmacy yesterday and I knew this was comming.  Feelings are so fucking hard to deal with I used to think yeah right feelings! Feelings forme are so terrifying I don't want to deal with the pain I am so impatient to get the pain out of me impatient to get the pain out of my mind by getting it out of and off of my body.  Just yes

So I stopped taking my anti-depressants I just truely felt that they had stopped working I know that sounds bad but despite being more emotional I feel alright and in fact sex is better lol.  I amanxious but more myself I think more talkative more fiery more me I guess we will see how this all works out.

I am having this beautiful glimmer of hope.  I know that I can get through this and that it is a process not a direct path to ultimate healing.  I am 23 and overweight and that scares me whatis going to happen when I have kids or become 43? I realized that I just have to work on this, bulimia is an addiction and I also believe overeating is too, and I have personally known drug addicts w

I want to believe with every little peice of me that today I am someone different than I was yesterday that in fact I've gotten that much healthier. Some kind of change had to have occured even ifit was tiny even if it was a seed or a seed of a seed something some small measure of progress that I can chalk up.  Today I watched addicted to food a tv show in which bulimics an anorexic and o

I have to push through I have to push through the pain and do what I know I need to do to make my life better.  Sleeping all day isn't going to work, eating continuously isn't going towork and not excersizing and laying on the couch as quietly and as motionlessly as possible is not working either.  I will not let myself take a nap today because I know that it will last fo

Finally happiness and bravery I have been so brave I am proud of myself today.

Today I felt a good upswing but then these questions start up in my mind, and I think about all the things I want from life.  I want to be a good student not how I have been for the last 3 weeksI want to be a great employee that is not too emotionally unstable to work too many days in a row.  Have I ever been high functing?? I don't think so....well not for too long of a time pe

I was having an adverse reaction to the anti-depressant I was taking I was not honest with my doctor about my bulimia and apparently wellbutrin is not a good med for the bulimic and that it makes it alotworse.  I have learned from this greatly it was a very stupid mistake to make.  It was very stupid for me to not be honest but I guess that comes with the denial and trying to act like th