|Dec 24 2009|
Today was awesome! It started out TERRIBLY, but ended wonderfully. I actually took a very blissful nap today- something my tense body has not been able to do. It was amazing how at peacei was with some of my son's nap melodies playing. lol That was a HUGE accomplishment for me.
The emotional side of this disease is what has been the hardest for me as i know everyone on here can tell. It is the worst feeling ever to think you are going to die any day- and it's impossible to live that way. I had an emotional break down today-this morning- and i was afraid to nap for fear i would not wake up. God did something for me during that nap. I had this wave of peace i do not usually have. moments like that are SO precious to me. That peace was amazing and it was something i did not accomplish just on my own- i don't have the will power for that yet. He took my hand during that nap.
And when i woke up- i went to my counselors office and the day got even better- she helped me remember that Christmas is at the door- something i couldn't even think about i have been so trapped in fear. To feel release from that fear for even a moment is an amazing thing. She has a way of being tough with me but for some reason i know it is right in this situation. I have respect for her, at her age she knows so much! I feel in my heart she truly cares so much. I am not lyme, i may have it, but it doesn't have to consume me. It will probably take many sessions to drill that into my head but i'm going for it.
The day got even better because i visited my grandmother and she spoke such wonderful things over me- she's a prayer warrior in our family. I cannot believe how much she loves and cares about what's going on in our lives. Just hearing her pray gave me such confidence.
If i have more experiences like that in my day, then i have high hopes at recovery. If i can keep my mind in this state of postivity a little more and more each day- i know this will be much easier for me. The panic attacks are so bad, but i'm going to try hard to master them. And if i have to use something to calm my nerves, i will- just NOT xanax- my poor blood pressure can't take it. lol
My grandmother gave me a bottle of saint john's wort to try and i aslo have a prescription for an anti anxiety med from my cardiologist.
So today was great and i hope for more like it.
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