Lyme Bytes

Just struggling today. Was hoping I would have some energy and less pain than yesterday. no luck with either. at least no seizure so far. and I can walk with crutches and without; though it is sooo painfulin some areas and numb in others and wobbly all around. I was told at last dr visit that I am at the cusp of life and death. He called several docs around the world on my behalf. Some neuro, some spiritual. One of them has been working on me and I have consistently had nightmares every night about different traumas in my life. And I have more to go. I suspect this is a time for healing what i had buried and blocked. My Reiki Master basically told me this is what is happening and to process it not ignore it. 

Last week I drove somewhere and I pulled out into oncoming traffic on both sides. not sure how or why I was there in the middle of the road but i was. It was a huge mistake. Also not sure how I got out of unharmed as it is a mountain road too and not much room. I suspect I had help from God.

I don't have my 'affairs' in order yet. Still working on that. i did find a picture of someone important to me in my college graduation booklet. Someone i wasn't dating at the time but i took his picture with me to my graduation. He probably would be shocked if he knew. Someone I have loved for a lifetime but never got the chance to make amends with. I pray for closure and healing here with him as always. He kidnapped me away from calculus one day and rowed me around a lake in a canoe.   

My biggest feeling and fear is being 'replaced'. I have been literally replaced amongst everyone in my life thus far including my own parents. They even managed to replace me and frankly abandoned me. My husband now i fear of that already. i 'feel' it and 'hear' it. i see a woman(she is healthly)just waiting for me to die. i just want to slap her too. i cannot stand to be around her and she shows up alot at random. of course, he is naive and  denies it - or perhaps i am naive. He says he talks to her all the time. Usually it has been me that has been naive in this lifetime. The last to know. The last to believe in the real world and the reality i don't want to see. Well, i guess i can't worry about that. Whatever happens, happens. I just need to get everything in order and just be done with it. Truthfully I have lived way beyond expectations. So I am grateful for that.  Thursday I hope to put away a pedafile for life in court. I have to prepare for that. I hope the legal system works this time. Even if he takes the plea bargain, I hope he gets the maximum number of years. I was naive to think of this person as a pedafile too. I finally had to face it when i read my daughter's and his messages. He definitely turned out not to be a family friend. He was a friend of mine for over 30 years. Wow, sometimes I wonder if all this is real. It is. I am known for my joy and smiles but today I am thankful to release my not so joyous feelings anonymously here. Thanks for listening to a 'snackcakes'.