| Jun 07 2008 |
Okay so i jointed the bipolar forum the other day and then the PTSD yesterday. i figured with everything i'm going through it would help me stay sane. it was great at first. i made connectionsand it felt good to know that there were people out there with similar experiences and it also felt good to share. it still feels good to share. but just responded to Ms. J's entry about her anger at her mom. Now i want to cry and i hurt and i wonder whether this is worth it. inside i know that it is because it is a form of therapy and i'm going to hurt and feel pain regardless. Dad is getting weaker and weaker everyday and everyday i die a little more inside from the knowledge that any day now he will die. i know this and i accept this i just dont know how i'm going to handle it. just thinking about it gives me panic attacks. i am daddies girl. he is my whole world. i cant imagine a life without my daddy in it. and right now i know that for a bipolar person, this is not good thinking. i was in a situation the other day where some guys were waving guns in my face and i flipped out and told them to shoot me, cuz i wasnt afraid to die. in the back of my head i was thinking "then i could be in heaven to welcome my daddy". i know it's selfish to want to die before him so i dont have to go through the pain. but human beings are selfish creatures. ah well, gotta go check on dad. write more later. if anything else. maybe this will help to put things on paper. i feel so lonely and isolated. not getting along with my sis or bro becasue we have different ideas of how he should be cared for right now, even though me and mom are the ones living with him, caring for him, wathcing him struggle to breath...................................................................................
Comments (6)
written by norma, June 07, 2008
Just wanted you to know that I lost both my parents. Although, it is many years ago...I can remember how hard it was. Here is a {{BIG HUG}}}....
written by miserable20, June 07, 2008
I loved my daddy dearly and I took care of him till the end even found him when he passed...I know what you are going through my thought and prayers are with you...God Bless you
written by bejeweled, June 07, 2008
I have often wondered what it would have been like to have one. The way you are looking at it is one way, there is another - that being that you were blessed to have the time you had with him. That he helped to mold you into who you are. There are MANY of us out there that never had that. I also know that if you dwell on the negatives, it can ruin the time you have left. No one is promised tomarrow.
My grandfather, who is the closest thing I have to a father was diagnosed last month with prostate cancer. Because he has serious heart problems and diabetes, they have decided that chemo would kill him - so they are going to do nothing. It is devestating. And as bad as it is for me, it is far worse for him and my grandmother. They have been married 55 years. She doesn't even know how to put gas in the car. If she isn't there to make dinner, he eats sardines out of a can. They are 100% dependant on each other. BUT, when I talk to them I stay positive. We laugh about it. I will not ruin what I have with them now. I don't want to have regrets when they are gone.
My grandfather, who is the closest thing I have to a father was diagnosed last month with prostate cancer. Because he has serious heart problems and diabetes, they have decided that chemo would kill him - so they are going to do nothing. It is devestating. And as bad as it is for me, it is far worse for him and my grandmother. They have been married 55 years. She doesn't even know how to put gas in the car. If she isn't there to make dinner, he eats sardines out of a can. They are 100% dependant on each other. BUT, when I talk to them I stay positive. We laugh about it. I will not ruin what I have with them now. I don't want to have regrets when they are gone.
written by DaddiesGirl, June 07, 2008
Bejeweled, just know that becasue of his age, #1 he will deteriorate fast and #2 your grandma is going to have to make the hard decision of either putting him in hospice (they take care of him in a hospital) or in home hospice where family memebers do most of the work and the nurse drops by as needed (2x a week at first). we chose in home hospice becasue my parent are very private people. i decided to move in with my mom when i came by and saw her walking around half dead. it's alot of work to care for someone who cannot care for themselves. I'm just saying to be ready. if they choose in home hospice, your grandma will need help. Now they do have caregivers that will come by if she wants, but sick men tend to get honery and let their pride get in the way of accepting help from outsiders. at least that's how it is with my dad. Thanks for the feedback all and keep in touch. And you are right, laugh, joke, reminice, but dont be afraid to also put your foot down when he gets exceptionally grumpy and decides to be mean to your grandmother. its part of the acceptance process they go through (anger, depresseion, frustration, resentment) and they take it out on the closest person to them. I had to let my dad know that my mom was suffering right along with him and he needed to be more considerate of her feelings. It's weird going from being daddy's girl to being almost like a parent.................. 
I'm sorry to hear about your dad! My mom died when I was 9 and I've always had my dad so I cling to him even more! I'm scared to death to ever loose him too! It's a scary monster thought!
I hope you and your mom are close so you can help each other through this!
So sorry and best wishes,
looking4hope
I hope you and your mom are close so you can help each other through this!
So sorry and best wishes,
looking4hope
written by DaddiesGirl, July 03, 2008
I wanted to thank you guys for your posts. i know it's been awhile, but my dad passed last thursday. it went fast and he didnt suffer. i am very worried about my mother becasue she is oriental and all about "not showing emotion", but living with her helps. plus i have 2 sisters adn a brother. i am just so scared she's going to give up and want to follow him. Pray for us..................
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