In a weird place right now. dad passed last thursday. i was really too exhausted from helping my mom take care of him that i didnt really think about how i would handle his death. although we knew he was close and had accepted it, his rate of deterioration really threw us for a loop. my mom was in denial at first, but after a weekend of killing ourselves, i called his nurse on Monday. She said that week. Wednesday, he gave me a scare and i called her again. she said that day. We flew my sister in from Hawaii. he passed thursday afternoon, almost and hour and 15 minutes after my sister got here and he passed in her arms. it was bittersweet, although i would have liked to have been the one, i know i'm just being selfish. i cried, but not alot you know and i didnt fall apart either. i even went back to work on monday. i was terrifed at first at how i would react to peoples condolences, but i got through it okay. dad's burial was today. even got through that okay. and yet i know something is not right with me. i'm taking my meds, but i feel like i'm in a weird place. like i'm detached, robotic, unfeeling.........? i logged onto the website tonite hoping to maybe interact with others, but when i got to the forum page, i hesitated. i dont necessarily feel depressed, but i dont really want to deal with anyone right now. just dealing with my family has had me going nuts to the point where i lock myself in my room becasue i wish they'd all just go away, but i cant make them go away cuz it's mom's house. i dont return emails, i havent called any of my freinds. the only freinds that know are the ones that called me. i didnt even tell my boss til i came back to work. i've been spending money like crazy taking my sister shopping to the point where i'm dead broke and still have a week to go til payday. thank goodness i got my mom to feed me. if she finds out i have no money she'll kill me. but at least if i have no money i cant do other stupid crap either.  well i guess as long as i keep taking my meds and dont fall apart, i'll just keep trying to manage. my mom is doing better about understanding when i get irritable. thats a big plus. now just to get on with my life.

Dont you sometimes think that damn, with all the other crap wrong with me, why do i gotta be mental too? In addition to the bipolar, i also have ulcers and endometriosis. So on top of being mentally unstable, i'm also in pain and pms'ing 2 weeks out of the month. it's so frustrating. going through that right now. i'm already in a funk and now my menses are all out of wack. Which if i go to the doctor, she'll tell my i'm due for my semi annual scraping (D&C and lap) which i dont want to do. so i'm walking around foggy adn drugged up. what a life to live. Been real emotional too. i think its because i'm teeter tottering. MY son says i'm trying so hard to stay stable that it's making me unstable and that pretty soon i'm going to snap. but what else can i do? Just keep doing what i'm doing i guess. Just call me TEETER!!

 Been in a funk since i had words with my sister the other day. havent been able to snap out of it. her attiitude is that since dad is dying anyways, we should let him do whatever he wants, regardlessof whether it "speeds his death along" adn i disagree. She took him out to eat and to the casino for 5 hours the other day. he was so exhausted when he came home she joked and said she thought she "killed him". so the next time he wants to go eat and do the same thing she sets it all up for all of us to take him but backs out at the last minute cuz "she" doesnt want to stay at the casino that long. i reminded him of how tired he was and recommended he pick just one (eat out or casino) cause it was so hard on him last time. when i talked to her about it she was like "so you're making his decisions  for him now" and i'm like "no, i'm just concerned and wanted to point out how tired he was and gave him my opinion" and she was like "well i disagree and if going to the casino makes him happy and he dies at the casino, then at least he'll die happy." and i'm like well if we follow your logic then we shouldnt give him his meds or oxygen either becuz he doesnt want to take them, and whe's like oh no, he needs his oxygen...........fricken hypocrite!! well since then i've been kinda in a funk, telling myself, well fine then just die. i know it's wrong, but i hurt and i hate to see him hurt and she's not the one that had to deal with him when he comes home, barely able to breath, completely wiped out and we're begging him to take his meds and oxygen cuz he's laboring to breath. now my mom is laying to me cuz i'm not as attentive to him as i was before. At first i took most of the burden off of her and now i'm walking around in a foggy daze. i'm in a funk that i dont quite know how to get out of. then today i started my menses adn i have endometriosis II so i coulnt even get out of bed this mroining cuz the pain was so bad, so now she's laying into me about missing work adn when i tell her my brains not all here and that she just needs to tell me what to do, she doesnt understand and lays into me even more, which after a week, yeah i do know the daily routine, but she's so damned picky about things (like not wanting me to wash clothers) half the time i dont know what to do. and now my insides hurt i'm drugged up on ty 3's. i refuse to spend 30$ to go to the doc again so she can just tell me i need surgery again. i dont know. i dont know i dont know..............

Okay so i jointed the bipolar forum the other day and then the PTSD yesterday. i figured with everything i'm going through it would help me stay sane.  it was great at first. i made connectionsand it felt good to know that there were people out there with similar experiences and it also felt good to share. it still feels good to share. but just responded to Ms. J's entry about her anger at her mom. Now i want to cry and i hurt and i wonder whether this is worth it. inside i know that it is because it is a form of therapy and i'm going to hurt and feel pain regardless. Dad is getting weaker and weaker everyday and everyday i die a little more inside from the knowledge that any day now he will die. i know this and i accept this i just dont know how i'm going to handle it. just thinking about it gives me panic attacks. i am daddies girl. he is my whole world. i cant imagine a life without my daddy in it. and right now i know that for a bipolar person, this is not good thinking. i was in a situation the other day where some guys were waving guns in my face and i flipped out and told them to shoot me, cuz i wasnt afraid to die. in the back of my head i was thinking "then i could be in heaven to welcome my daddy".  i know it's selfish to want to die before him so i dont have to go through the pain. but human beings are selfish creatures. ah well, gotta go check on dad. write more later. if anything else. maybe this will help to put things on paper. i feel so lonely and isolated. not getting along with my sis or bro becasue we have different ideas of how he should be cared for right now, even though me and mom are the ones living with him, caring for him, wathcing him struggle to breath...................................................................................