i want to scream, i want to jump up and down and pull my hair out, i want to shout to God why me, i want to gouge out my eyes and rip off my ears. At least then I will no longer have to lookat myself and hear those around me ask, "Why, Shannon are you still acting this way?"

Ok my newest thing i am dealing with in therapy is a doozy and I don't like it very much, in fact I hate it. And I don't want to accept and deal with it, and of course if I don't deal with it then I will never get better thus never healing and blah blah blah. Anyway...have you ever heard of Dissociative Identity Disorder? Ok well i don't have that but I do have a second personality, thus leading to the borderline personality disorder diagnosis. When I was 14 I was raped, then again at 17. What I did NOT know what when a person is sexually abused/raped/molested whatever they cease to grow emotionally beyond that age. So for me, I stopped at the age of 14, (growing emotionally). And I still dissociate when I have to deal with almost anything. There are times in my everyday life, when the 14 year old in me, pops out, and that is who gets me in trouble. For example...we originally thought it was the bipolar that was the cause for the bad decisions, like taking the kids out school to go hiking in February, in the rain,   cuz it sounded like a good idea..upon further investigation....it might have been the "little girl" (as she has been named) thinking it would have been fun. Does any of that make any sense?
My dilemma is this...In therapy, my talker dr...wants to give her a name...and I just can't, it makes it seems so real....and it seems like it is almost an excuse for my behavior, and I don't want any excuses for the way I act. It is weird. I don't know if I can explain it anymore. It is exhausting just talking about it.