Can you guess what happened today? I will give you a second to think about it? Give up? My freaking appt got canceled today. This was the appt that was made to take the place of the one that got canceled Monday. I wanted to kill somebody. So I thought it best to stay in bed for awhile. Luis got me out of bed with the bribe of food. I have gained 10 pounds because I am eating so much lately. I don't eat, not what a normal person would. So I feel disgusting.
I called my pdoc and he was available, Thank God, he talked me down from the killing point I was at. Asked me if i was suicidal, I said no. If the appt gets canceled again on Tuesday, I just don't know what to do anymore. I am trying to do all the right things to get the medication to help me, to make me more normal, where I wont have those manic episodes and do things that are dangerous. 

There is one thing I want people to understand about me. (Wish I could get everyone to join this website.) People with Bipolar, no matter what kind, and people with depression are not all crazy loons who need to be locked away. And if you think that, please don't read my thoughts. I will not be made to feel like I am less of a person for having this illness, the mood disorder that will never go away, I will always be Bipolar.

With medication I will be as normal as I can be. I will not have the manic episodes that I have had since I was 14. . .

~Running away from home
~Flying off to meet people I had met over the phone
~Doing drugs~ All the time
~Dating guys like swimmers use ear plugs
~Moving to Oregon and not telling anyone where I was going
~Running away to Arizona and not telling anyone

Then as an adult there were many more things I did. . .

~Started doing drugs again in Germany
~Going on trips out of the country, just because
~Trying to start a new business
~Spending money we didn't have
~Thinking a "miracle" baby was going to be given to us and preparing a room for it, charging $1000 worth of stuff on my moms credit card without asking, she did get paid back u can ask her :)

Those are all mania things, but what goes up must come down and that can be scary as well...To others it seemed like major depression. Once i lived in my bedroom for 4 months. I didn't clean, cook, or anything. It was Horrible. And of course then I started to feel better over night and thought I could take on the world. . . And I had this thought I should leave my husband. So I did. That is the last manic phase I have had. Of course it did not stop at leaving my husband. I felt great, I thought I could do anything and everything I DID do was awesome and original. I lost weight, I got a job (got fired) and then started doing drugs again. And not good drugs, bad bad drugs. In the end it almost killed me and I almost lost my kids. Actually I did lose my 2 youngest ones. To their Dad. But I wasn't thinking of them, I was only thinking of me. Anything and everything is irrelevant to one in a manic phase. My point is this...I will hopefully be starting meds on Tuesday. Most people with BP are on a cocktail of drugs to manage the mania, the anger/violence, and the depression. On top of being Bipolar I am also a holder of the OCD card . I have a severe Anxiety Disorder as well. My pdoc also thinks I may suffer from PTSD from the rape when I was 14. Wow what a lot that was to swallow. But it makes so much sense. Maybe even to my friends. I am thankful I had the courage to go to the Mental health place last week. I am thankful that I was given a diagnosis. Now I can get on the proper medicine and start to get better.
OK done babbling. . .