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LostGurl' s Thoughts and Feelings

basically just my thoughts, feelings, and rants.

too good to last

Nov 17 2008

well, this week i was told by my counsellor that they will cover me for ten more visits. But they want to spread them out (i was going weekly). their reason is that i seem to be doing fine!!!! i am so angry and confused!!! how can they say i am doing fine when i am falling apart?!?! i feel like i am getting worse, and they say i am getting better. i asked how she came to that conclusion and almost laughed in her face at her response. if i hadn't been so angry and depressed by the news i would have. her response revolved around one conversation we had about my fantasy of creating a peer support group in my area for incest and sexual abuse survivors, or those living with severe depression/anxiety. her opinion of that conversation was that i have hope within me for the future!!! i looked at her and said that i get excited and animated when talking about what i would do if i won the lottery too, but that doesn't mean i am delusional enough to think it will ever happen.

I am so very very tired of people telling me how well i am doing!! i want to scream so loud i would break their eardrums. i wish all these people who seem to think i am "doing fine" would suffer what i do for one week. crawl inside me for one week and really feel the depression. feel the terror i feel every night and day. see my son flashing before my eyes. feel the utter hopelessness i feel every single minute of every day. like the poem/song i wrote "Inside Looking Out" which i believe is in my articles.

yeah i know i may look ok on the outside. i have told my counsellor this. but throughout my childhood i was threatened and abused for showing negative emotions. "shut up or i will give you something to cry about!" yes i have cried over chris. that is the most devastating thing i have ever gone through. i even cried once about losing my vision because the fear of living in the dark, which i am terrified of, is my life's biggest fear next to losing a loved one. but other than those two reasons, i am unable to cry no matter how sad or scared or anything i am. no matter how badly i want to cry i can't. i can't even get the tears out for chris or my eyes anymore, no matter how much they build up and hurt. i guess some people have never heard or experienced others who habitually and automatically shut their emotions off to "appear normal". which is what i do. i don't want to, i hate it, makes me hurt more. but when you are trained at a very young age to do so, 10 visits is not going to reverse that. how can you reverse a lifetime of pain and fear in the pitance of a few weeks?????? it takes just that long to even get to trust your therapist!!!

i know i sound angry at my therapist and her boss for this decision. but really i am angry at "God" "Fate" or whatever other deity that may or may not exist that seems to think it is hilarious to dangle the proverbial carrot of hope in front of me just to steal it away again when i catch the smallest glimmer. some loving god. sometimes i feel like i am a pawn in a game the gods are playing called "how cruel can we be today".

here i go a-rambling again, huh? but i guess that is what these diaries are for. people have a choice to read or not read.

Previous diary posts by lostgurl:

never ending pain
One step forward, Two steps back
recent death of my son
just an update
today has sooo not been a good day

just an update
i give up
confusion and hiding
feeling the craziness taking over
this majorly sucks

Comments (3) Add Comment

written by Chanda, November 17, 2008

Ugh, I hate when counselors/ therapist tell me that, its like R U SERIOUS, u dont hear my pain, my hurt?! Its so hard to find a therpist u like and then they do this, it has happen to me to b4, Ive been thru several therapist and my parents and hubby are like, maybe we need to find u another one, UGH, Im sick of having to retail my story and then in the end them saying, well u seem to be fine now, huh?! So hun, I am sorry. All, I can say is beg for more or find another one, which can be a good thing too.

And the whole thing with God, wow, Ive been having those same thoughts lately, then I feel bad about it, cuz it isnt Him really, it is life and He cant make ppl do this or that, He can only be here for us, which is hard to understand, all of this is hard to understand. Just hang in there, things will work out some way, somehow. Dont give up hope. I will be praying for u! And im here if u wanna talk!

written by Peace4Rach, November 18, 2008

You have every right to feel angry whether it's at your therapist or God, it's your feelings. Let them out, we understand. You probrably get more visits when the new year starts. If not maybe you can check into a place for counseling that offers sliding fees at a cheeper rate. I know it's hard and the holidays coming don't help. Know that you can get support here always. Thinking of you. Hugs, Rachele

written by bunny_fly, November 20, 2008

From what you posted, it sounds like you are seeing some one in a practice that is like a lot of organized counseling departments. They are only allowed to give out a certain amount of sessions. The best thing you can do is to be honest with your t. and let her know that there are other issues that nee to be dealt with. When she saysyou seem to be "doing well", she means that the issue that you presented her with when you came in, seems to under control. That you have been given the adequate coping skills to deal with it. If you bring up the fact thatr there are a multitude of other issues that need to be dealt with, then the two of you can make a plan of action for dealing with them. The fact that she has a supervisor that she reports to indicates that the organization needs to know why there is a need to prolong therapy. I am in no way trying to defend what they are doing, I just understand the dynamics from working in the feild. I understand your pain and wrry. I have been to these places on several different occassions. They are good for immediadt problems and crisises, but not so good for long term therapy.If you do not continue with this t., or she cannot help any more, I suggest that the next time you start with some one ask how long they are going to be able to see you. My current t. and I have been seeing each other for three years. She has a private practice and we usually meet every other week. If the occassion arises that there is something that needs to be dealt with we will meet weekly. I have yet to be able to go for mor than two weeks with out a session. There will come a time that it weill happen and I look forward to trhat time.

Brenda