|Nov 17 2008|
well, this week i was told by my counsellor that they will cover me for ten more visits. But they want to spread them out (i was going weekly). their reason is that i seem to be doing fine!!!! i am so angry and confused!!! how can they say i am doing fine when i am falling apart?!?! i feel like i am getting worse, and they say i am getting better. i asked how she came to that conclusion and almost laughed in her face at her response. if i hadn't been so angry and depressed by the news i would have. her response revolved around one conversation we had about my fantasy of creating a peer support group in my area for incest and sexual abuse survivors, or those living with severe depression/anxiety. her opinion of that conversation was that i have hope within me for the future!!! i looked at her and said that i get excited and animated when talking about what i would do if i won the lottery too, but that doesn't mean i am delusional enough to think it will ever happen.
I am so very very tired of people telling me how well i am doing!! i want to scream so loud i would break their eardrums. i wish all these people who seem to think i am "doing fine" would suffer what i do for one week. crawl inside me for one week and really feel the depression. feel the terror i feel every night and day. see my son flashing before my eyes. feel the utter hopelessness i feel every single minute of every day. like the poem/song i wrote "Inside Looking Out" which i believe is in my articles.
yeah i know i may look ok on the outside. i have told my counsellor this. but throughout my childhood i was threatened and abused for showing negative emotions. "shut up or i will give you something to cry about!" yes i have cried over chris. that is the most devastating thing i have ever gone through. i even cried once about losing my vision because the fear of living in the dark, which i am terrified of, is my life's biggest fear next to losing a loved one. but other than those two reasons, i am unable to cry no matter how sad or scared or anything i am. no matter how badly i want to cry i can't. i can't even get the tears out for chris or my eyes anymore, no matter how much they build up and hurt. i guess some people have never heard or experienced others who habitually and automatically shut their emotions off to "appear normal". which is what i do. i don't want to, i hate it, makes me hurt more. but when you are trained at a very young age to do so, 10 visits is not going to reverse that. how can you reverse a lifetime of pain and fear in the pitance of a few weeks?????? it takes just that long to even get to trust your therapist!!!
i know i sound angry at my therapist and her boss for this decision. but really i am angry at "God" "Fate" or whatever other deity that may or may not exist that seems to think it is hilarious to dangle the proverbial carrot of hope in front of me just to steal it away again when i catch the smallest glimmer. some loving god. sometimes i feel like i am a pawn in a game the gods are playing called "how cruel can we be today".
here i go a-rambling again, huh? but i guess that is what these diaries are for. people have a choice to read or not read.
One step forward, Two steps back
recent death of my son
just an update
today has sooo not been a good day
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