as i mentioned before, i recently found out my younger son has been taking things from my older son (who lives with me) and myself, then pawning them. well, today the proverbial you know what hit thefan. and my head, panic and depression are all on overdrive.

today, for some reason my older son decided to confront my younger son about the theft. younger son said he didn't pawn all of it and still has some, but he can't find it (his house is the biggest pig sty you could possibly imagine so this is very believable). oldest son said "well, why don't you find it, it is our stuff". well it went crazy from there. all i said to my younger boy was to please try to find it so we could put an end to the fight that was going on between them. next thing i know he is telling ME to piss off and i will never see him again.

i sent him a text message saying it wasn't fair he took the fight out on me when it was between him and his brother and that he owed me a very sincere appology. he sends one back saying well, i didn't mean it i was just pissed off. long story short, i told him that wasn't a good enough appology for how he hurt my feelings. well he got bent out of shape and says for me to go F myself and we are no longer family.

since he said he no longer wanted to be my family i told him exactly what someone should have said to him a long time ago. that he needs to start taking accountability for his actions, stop acting like a badly behaved 10yr old. i basically told him he should be ashamed to treat me that way when i wasn't even in the fight and all i've ever done was try to help him when he doesn't even try to help himself.

now i am riddled with anxiety (worse than i already have been for over two weeks now constant) and depression. i don't feel guilty for anything at all that i said, that has nothing to do with the depression. the fact that i seem to have so many members in my family that could care less whether i was alive or dead for no reason is really getting to me. i know many probably think how could so many people in your family hate you and you not be at fault. you just would have to know my family. so self centered, selfish, horrible people. don't give a dang about anyone but themselves unless it gains something for them.

i am also afraid for when my oldest boy goes to work tomorrow evening. younger son will know i am alone. he has a violent temper that gets out of control. he doesn't hurt people but he damages property, i.e., fists through doors and walls.  if he breaks anything here i will get evicted. but if he comes over i cannot pretend everything is ok. i cannot act like i am sorry when i am not.

i just don't know what to do anymore about anything. i find myself wanting life less and less everyday. there is nothing possitive no matter how hard i try. each day is ugly and hurtful. i don't want this anymore. i can't find any benefits at all.