i don't know what has happened but my wonderful mood from last week has slipped away. i was feeling so possitive and happy. it felt good to have that for more than a couple hours.  then daybefore yesterday i woke up in my usual depressive/panicky hell. i have put up a good fight with it but it is slowly beating me down.

i have absolutely no idea why i am depressed or having panic/anxiety attacks right now. it is so bad i can't even do my writing (my poetry and novel). its like sadness and hopelessness have enveloped my creativity and clear thought in a dark stifling blanket. i am not only experiencing a writer's block because of this, i am having difficulty concentrating. i am forgetting how to spell words, use my comp, things i want to do and can't remember 2 seconds later. i kind of feel like i am drunk (i never drink) in the way you feel detatched from yourself. i am just hoping this makes sense and isn't just a bunch of babble-babble-blah-blah.

 i am so very tired of feeling like this. i don't blame people for getting tired of my mood swings and depressive nature. it would be different if i could pinpoint something even remotely responsible for my mood. something tangible to give understanding about it. not just a sudden crash of a blue funk that totally overtakes me. knowing that i would have to go even further into debt to see a doc just so i can get possible help isn't making matters any better. it is really making me feel totally hopeless.

i'm not enjoying anything i normally do. my writing, playing on the computer, video games, reading, nothing. everything seems so pointless. i wish my life would stop being a roller coaster because I HATE ROLLER COASTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel so stuck!