i tried to write a brief bit about this the day it happened but my diary wouldn't post anything. so here i go again i guess.

on monday, aug 18, 2008, the deputy county coroner came to my door at 5:35 am. i wrongly assumed that it was regarding my husband who is a long haul truck driver. like wives of cops and firemen, truckers' wives always have possible death in the back of their mind.  nothing in the world could have prepared me to hear that my 23 yr old son, who left home hours earlier as a perfectly healthy young man, was dead.  he worked for a company that cut large pieces of glass for highrises. no one knows exactly what happened but somehow he lost his footing and landed on the edge of a one of the panes across his neck, severing the main arteries in his neck. we do know from video in the plant that he lived long enough to try to call for help.

my heart bleeds for the 3 men who tried to save him. they were friends with my son. they didn't think twice about risks and jumped in immediately to try to save him.  but nothing to could be done. the deputy coroner told me even if he had been magically transported into an O.R fully staffed with the best surgeons, he had no chance of survival.

other than the day it happened, when i had to be online to get ahold of family members i don't have  phone contact with and my brief description here, i have been unable to bring myself to go online until now. one of my son's and my favorite past times to do together was playing world of warcraft (massive multiplayer online role playing game).  so being on the computer is very difficult.

i don't know if i can really explain what i am going through right now. nothing makes sense. it seems it has affected everything in my life. nothing looks the same, food has no taste, sorrow and guilt have taken control of every aspect of my life. i feel guilty about everything. if i don't feel i am not respecting his memory by a rare smile or whatever, i am feeling guilty for everything i do because my boy can no longer do whatever i am doing. i knew i was messed up in the head before all this happened, now i truly feel i am losing my mind. i am terrified for when my husband goes back on the road tomorrow because it will be the first time i have been alone since i received the news. i will have no choice but to face the reality of this tragedy when the house is empty. i will no longer have anyone to cook dinner for or pack a lunch for. no one to joke around with or share troubles with. the guilt of totally rearranging his bedroom is killing me, but i know seeing the room daily as he left it would promote my dillusion that he will walk through the door at any moment. and due to my phobias, closing the door and sealing off the room was not an option.

i don't know if i can survive this. losing my mother hurt so bad but nothing compared to this. to have him ripped away from me so suddenly with no warning leaves me feeling emotions i cannot even explain.