just an update on how i am doing. as you all probably have figured i am still reeling from the loss of my son in aug. i have been granted 10 councelling visits from catholic community services. it is helping a tiny bit but don't know how much 10 visits will help someone as screwed up in the head as i am. but i am grateful for what i have. still struggling with a mass of emotions i don't know how to deal with but i guess i am doing as well as can be expected in regards to losing a child. i won't go into all that again. i am sure you are all tired of me crybabying about it.

i think i have mentioned before how it always seems when something good happens to me (i.e., 10 free councelling visits), something else goes wrong. the week after i was given the grant, i went to the eye doc and was informed i have cataracts in both eyes. i am now legally blind in my left and the right is failing fast. the surgery will cost between $3k-11k per eye. one of my biggest fears in life has always been going blind, now i am facing the reality. i am terrified. with no insurance i have only one option, which is a very slim one. i have already been informed that we make $4k per year more than the max we can make to get the state to help. my only other chance is a charity hospital a few counties away doing it for free. there is one main hurdle even if we qualify financially. i was told if we do qualify financially, they will still only do it if it is deemed "medically neccessary". you might think that the fact i am going blind would deem it so, but the criteria is a bit stricter than that. my left eye i know they would do the surgery if i qualify. BUT, i was already badly visually impaired before the cataract in that eye, so the surgery may not make much difference. in my right eye i am not quite legally blind yet so they might not do it, even though it would put my right eye back to 20/20 or close to it.

another part of that hurdle is i may not be able to get the paperwork they require to see if they will give me the financial aid. one of the jobs my husband worked last year never sent a w4. the hospital requires i bring last years w4's. he left on not the best of terms and they aren't a very nice company and may decide to drag their feet just to be jerks.

perhaps some may think i am being too pessimistic for my own good. but i am basing these assumptions on my past life experiences. old murphy's law of "if something can possibly go wrong it will" has always seemed to ring true in my life.

anyway, i'm not sure how much prayers will help or even how much i believe anymore, but i doubt they would hurt if you have time.