well, younger son is still not talking to me days later.  which is really ok because i don't want him around right now. i am afraid of his odd behavior. seems to be getting rapidly worse. i still feel the panic of what if we never speak again, but i refuse to be an enabler in someone acting like a horrible heartless person. older son still wants to beat the tar out of him but i won't let him. younger son will have him arrested for sure. plus violence doesn't solve anything.

a little more about that younger son. he is 20, refuses to work, lives off his disabled father, treats his father like dirt (cussing at him, doesn't clean the house - which people generally gag when they enter because of overwhelming odor of dog/cat pee and mold/mildew/rotten food). son now has an outstanding warrant for driving without a license. i mean come on, how do you let a trivial ticket like that get so far as you are absolutely going to do time for it? by being too lazy to get up and go to court. he sleeps 14+ hours a day. i am pretty sure he is back on drugs (think it is harder stuff than the pot he used to smoke) as he is out partying all the time and his erratic behavior points to it.

still in that multi-week anxiety attack. non-stop. it is wearing me down. i have really bad dark circles under my eyes, my neck and jaw hurt constantly now because of the tension and grinding my teeth. often the panic is so bad i am nauseated and have to force myself to even eat one meal a day. no way am i going to not eat and have them put me back in the funny farm for attempted suicide. although lately i am wondering if i would be better off.

so many things going through my head. depression, fear, anger. i feel like that is all i am anymore. i feel i am losing substance and turning into nothing more than an ugly ball of unwanted emotions.