|Aug 06 2008|
haven't been around much lately. having a really hard time with my panic/anxiety attacks. for the past couple weeks i am finding it close to impossible to bring myself to communicate with anyone outside of my family. even with family its all just basic. not relating how i am feeling or anything. no one wants to hear the same ole junk anyway. pretty sad when you are even afraid to come to a support site to talk about your probs because you are afraid people will get mad and sick of hearing your crap. tired of not having anything possitive in my life to talk about. i know people are sick of hearing that i am afraid to do this or that, how i wake up every morning with dread of the new day. go to sleep with dread and panic of what will meet me the next day. the depression is out of control.
i am trapped in a cycle i don't know how to get out of without meds and with no way to get meds it just keeps going round and round. financial problems are making me crazy. i so wish i could get a job to help out but the thought of going out into the world without a family member with me makes me so scared i feel like i will vomit, faint, or both. then the depression kicks in because i feel like such a failure because i can't get a job. i don't know how much more i can take. all these years i had hoped my condition would get better but it seems to be getting steadily worse. seriously fighting the constant "what's the use i just want to die" thoughts. i guess i should be grateful hubby doesn't allow any kind of medicine in the house that can be used for ... well you know. i am just so tired of being a failure at everything. tired of the constant life struggles. tired of every time i think things are improving they end up worse than before.
my emotions were not helped at all when i found out my youngest boy has been stealing from us and pawning the items. he doesn't seem to be on drugs but i don't know. this happened not long after i told him i would no longer loan him money without his dad (my ex) saying it was ok. i told him since he was using his dad's disability to pay back the loans, it was only right that his dad have first say on what was borrowed. he is 20 yrs old and hasn't worked a day in his life. he lives, or should i say sponges, off his disabled father, keeps moving his not so desireable gfs without asking. i am at a loss as to what to do about him and am hurt he is stealing from us. then when confronted by my other son, he treatened to have the cell phones that i pay for, but are in his name, turned off out of spite. my hubby is a long haul truck driver and we need those phones. can't get them in our name because of bad credit due to hospital and school bills.
so sick of seeing mean, horrible, dishonest, hurtful people get everything they want in this world while others who do their best to be good and caring get kicked in the teeth by life on a continual basis. what's the use of being a good person when all it does is cause you pain? too bad i can't live any other way. i could never hurt others for my gain so i guess i am stuck since it seems to be true that no good deed goes unpunished. as stupid as this sounds, if the world really is coming to an end in 2012, would be nice to experience at least some of it as wonderful and peaceful. hahaha dream on yeah right.
anyway, not that it matters but this is my update. hope ya'll are doing much much better.
P.S. if interested in the origin of this pic go here its really an awesome story.
well, there's one failed attempt
please pray for me
wow this is new, maybe there is hope
another pretty good day
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