yesterday was not a good day for me. it was one of those days that reinforces why i am afraidof people, why i don't trust people. and also why i am always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

i went to pay my rent to my landlord who lives directly across the street from me. i have always viewed her as a sweet little old lady who was having a rough time because he husband had alzheimers (sp), parkinsons, and many other physical and mental probs. although she had more than enough money (she owns more than half of our entire 4 block neighborhood) to send him to a residential living place to be taken care of, she kept him home and took care of him even though she could barely take care of herself. anyway, i went to pay my rent. everything was fine, she was unusually chatty and cheerful. after his death a few months ago she has rightfully been very depressed.

after i paid the rent and chatted with her for a while, i went to the store. when i came back, my son informed me that she had called and said that i paid the wrong amount of rent. he tried to explain to her that what i paid is what i have been paying for over a year and she argued. so i went back over and kindly said i think there is some kind of confusion. she said no there wasn't, that i have been paying the wrong amount of rent all along and she never looked because she trusted me.  there was no reasoning with her. she said i had to make up the difference, if i didn't like it i could try to find a cheaper place to live. i told her i wasn't upset that she was raising the rent, i was only upset because she seemed to be accusing me of ripping her off all this time. she said she wasn't accusing me of anything but she would never charge one tenant one thing and another something else. i ended up crying and leaving because she was so hard and mean acting like i was some lowlife trying to rip her off.

$50 increase may not seem like a lot to some but that is for my family. it really isn't so much the increase as the fact that it came with no warning at all and we now have to try to find a way to come up with back rent. i don't have a leg to stand on either. i have asked for a lease several times and not been given one. plus i can't afford a lawyer. if i fight it she will probably evict me. i also have to worry how far back she is going to want me to pay $50 back rent for.

the main thing that bothers me is being accused of trying to rip her off. this may seem stupid to some, but i care what others think of me. i would never rip anyone off, ever. i am a little miss goody-goody. never been in trouble with the law or anything. to give an example, when in school, i ditched one time. i felt so guilty i turned myself in to the principle. it actually infuriates me how many people think they are only breaking the law if they get caught. like driving without insurance, driving without a license, littering, etc. these are lame examples but still show my point on how people just don't care anymore.

my son and husband say i just need to go over and talk to her kids when they show up at her house, which they do twice a day. but they forget I AM TERRIFIED OF PEOPLE I DON'T KNOW. my husband can't do it because he is a long haul truck driver and not here most of the time. my son always says how much they like him, yet he doesn't seem willing to go over there either. besides i know they will just side with her. why would they take my side, even if it is the right one, when they can take their rich mom's side and get more money for themselves when she dies (she is in her 80's)

i am just so very tired of trying anymore. i try hard to see life differently, to improve myself, to be happy. i see people who are mean, horrible people who seem to have happiness handed to them on a plate. while i bend over backwards trying to be a good caring person and around every curve i run over a new nail to flatten my tires. i am on the verge of tears constantly since yesterday. i can't face her again after the way she treated me for no reason at all. the anxiety and depression are becoming unbearable.  this situation may not seem like much to anyone else, but it is everything in my life piled up and this added to it. i don't know how much more i can take or if i even want to try anymore.