|
Jul 01
2008
|
i wanted to let everyone know that i am doing ok. i know a few of you have worried about me and i am very sorry. i have been suffering from a very severe bout of depression and anxiety lately so i have been lost in confusion and hiding from everyone. i know many will say i should have come here to talk about what was bothering me, and you are right, i should have.
the problem is my social anxiety and trust issues. basically what happened to worsen an already bad depression and anxiety bout was someone i thought was a friend pretty much stopped talking to me for no reason. one of those situations where i had explained my illnesses and their affects, explained how i was terrified to make friends because they always seemed to walk away with no explanation. again i was coaxed with promises that they were not like that, they were a true friend, yada yada yada. soon, much sooner than usual, the person began to communicate less and less. now i don't hear from them anymore.
now i am spending my time blaming myself and wondering why no one wants to be my friend (yes i know that sounds very juvenile but i am beyond lonely) for more than a short time. i understand it can be hard to be friends with a clinically depressed person, so i explain myself before i even become friends with a person. that i am not a naysayer as many believe. when they give advice and i say why my situation doesn't grant for their advice to work, they leave with or without an excuse. they think i don't want help, i am too much of a pessimist, etc. i can't seem to get it through that more than 50% of the time when they think i am being a naysayer, pessimistic, dark cloud, i am not even depressed. they just take something i say wrong (yes i know this is my failure).
basically i have wanted so desparately to come on here and talk to all of you about what is going on. the fear has been terrible though. i spend my time wondering if there really is such a thing as true, unconditional friendship. are there any people who really mean what they say. i am so very tired of pretty words and being told what others think i want to hear. what a dream it would be to have a friend i could turn to know matter how great or bad my life was going. to share the happy and to know that, even if i go through a lot of bad, that they won't walk away. yes, i would give anything pretty much to be a normal, pretty much always happy well adjusted person. but i am not that lucky. i doubt at this age i will ever find anyone who would truly accept me for as i am.
anyway, this is part of what has been going on. i am truly very sorry if i worried anyone. i will try to face my fear and be on more. hugs to all.
written by NYSUNSHINE, July 01, 2008
Are you maybe putting pressure on them by looking for the PERFECT friend? One who understands always? If so, they actually don't exist. People will disappoint each other. It's just the way it is. When someone pulls away from you what do you do? Chase after them or pull completely away? All I can say is try to not be so open in the very beginning, let someone get to know the other side of your personality, not just the depressive side. Also, you could try calling when someone starts to pull away and ask them what's going on. Take what they say as constructive critism - don't take it personally. They may say they don't know what to do...so don't depend on them for that kind of support. I think if we focus on other parts of our life and interests it helps us out of the fog of depression.
Even if you don't want to take my advice...I'll still be your friend. But think about it ... are you saying that their ideas won't work because you are afraid to change? Put yourself in their shoes, if you met someone who says what you said that all your suggestions were not going to work would you stick around? Probably not....sooooooo take some advice and try it.
Happiness doesn't come overnight..I know I was considered clinically depressed for years and didn't know it. I know I have to work to make myself think differently and it is hard, so I understand your struggle. Have you talked to a therapist? Been put on medication. I needed medication and for me it did help. The fog I was under is gone, now I have all the residual stuff of my past and how I think to work on. Slowly I have realized that I cause most of my own unhappiness so I am working to bring myself out of it. I am not always successful. But I keep trying and when I look back at how I felt a few years ago I see the progress I have made.
I'm sorry your having such a hard time, you can write me anytime if you need to.
Lori
TAKE CARE