well, the day i have waited and wished for during the past 30 years is fast approaching. my long searched for aunt (my father's sister) will be here in less than 2 days. saying i am nervous wouldbe a massive understatement! i know she is probably nervous too but she has a lot going for her that i do not. she is interesting, intelligent (has a phd), worldly, and confident.

all i can do is hope that she is a very talkative person. i spend most of my days alone in my home and playing on my computer. most of the stuff i have to talk about i really don't want to talk about with her especially the first time we meet. like how rotten my life has been, how broke i am, my pain over losing my son, failed dreams of being a writer, etc. there is absolutely nothing interesting about me! you all may say then talk about something else other than the bad, but up until now, there hasn't been much of anything good in my life. i am so afraid i will be a disappointment and she will drop contact with me.

another great benefit to this all happening now is it is making the holidays a little easier to face since the loss of chris. i didn't know how i was going to make it through and God or something/someone else has provided me with the means to survive the heartache. and i am not taking it for granted at all. i tell everyone i meet about my christmas miracle and how amazing the timing was.  i am just hoping for another tiny miracle that will allow me not to blow this once in a lifetime opportunity!

well, this week i was told by my counsellor that they will cover me for ten more visits. But they want to spread them out (i was going weekly).  their reason is that i seem to be doing fine!!!!  i am so angry and confused!!!  how can they say i am doing fine when i am falling apart?!?!  i feel like i am getting worse, and they say i am getting better.  i asked how she came to that conclusion and almost laughed in her face at her response.  if i hadn't been so angry and depressed by the news i would have.  her response revolved around one conversation we had about my fantasy of creating a peer support group in my area for incest and sexual abuse survivors, or those living with severe depression/anxiety.  her opinion of that conversation was that i have hope within me for the future!!!  i looked at her and said that i get excited and animated when talking about what i would do if i won the lottery too, but that doesn't mean i am delusional enough to think it will ever happen. 

I am so very very tired of people telling me how well i am doing!!  i want to scream so loud i would break their eardrums.  i wish all these people who seem to think i am "doing fine" would suffer what i do for one week.  crawl inside me for one week and really feel the depression. feel the terror i feel every night and day.  see my son flashing before my eyes.  feel the utter hopelessness i feel every single minute of every day.  like the poem/song i wrote "Inside Looking Out" which i believe is in my articles.    

yeah i know i may look ok on the outside.  i have told my counsellor this.  but throughout my childhood i was threatened and abused for showing negative emotions.  "shut up or i will give you something to cry about!"  yes i have cried over chris.  that is the most devastating thing i have ever gone through.  i even cried once about losing my vision because the fear of living in the dark, which i am terrified of, is my life's biggest fear next to losing a loved one.  but other than those two reasons, i am unable to cry no matter how sad or scared or anything i am.  no matter how badly i want to cry i can't.  i can't even get the tears out for chris or my eyes anymore, no matter how much they build up and hurt.  i guess some people have never heard or experienced others who habitually and automatically shut their emotions off to "appear normal". which is what i do. i don't want to, i hate it, makes me hurt more. but when you are trained at a very young age to do so, 10 visits is not going to reverse that.  how can you reverse a lifetime of pain and fear in the pitance of a few weeks??????  it takes just that long to even get to trust your therapist!!!

i know i sound angry at my therapist and her boss for this decision.  but really i am angry at "God" "Fate" or whatever other deity that may or may not exist that seems to think it is hilarious to dangle the proverbial carrot of hope in front of me just to steal it away again when i catch the smallest glimmer.  some loving god.  sometimes i feel like i am a pawn in a game the gods are playing called "how cruel can we be today". 

here i go a-rambling again, huh? but i guess that is what these diaries are for. people have a choice to read or not read.

two and a half months have gone by since i got the devastating news that my son, chris was killed in a horrible freak accident at work. it seems my grief has not lessened at all, if anything ithas grown. i hurt so much it feels my life is crashing down all around me.  it has taken over my whole life. my every thought is wrapped around never seeing him again, his not watching his 3 yr old boy grow up, his never finding the joy of a good woman to marry, all the things he will never be able to do.

everything reminds me of chris. i can't even watch tv. i know it is psychological and/or coincidence, but it seems everything has something that triggers more memories and pain. people dying in similar ways, parents grieving, mannerisms he possessed, etc. or i see a thin young man walking down the street in a dark colored hoody sweatshirt. so many things i couldn't put words to.

with the holidays fast approaching, i wonder how i will survive and whether i even want to. so many people tell me it will get better, the pain will ease with time. but how can i get through this? the here and now is killing what little i have left within me. i don't know where to go from here or if there is even anywhere to go or if i even care anymore.

just an update on how i am doing. as you all probably have figured i am still reeling from the loss of my son in aug. i have been granted 10 councelling visits from catholic community services. it is helping a tiny bit but don't know how much 10 visits will help someone as screwed up in the head as i am. but i am grateful for what i have. still struggling with a mass of emotions i don't know how to deal with but i guess i am doing as well as can be expected in regards to losing a child. i won't go into all that again. i am sure you are all tired of me crybabying about it.

i think i have mentioned before how it always seems when something good happens to me (i.e., 10 free councelling visits), something else goes wrong. the week after i was given the grant, i went to the eye doc and was informed i have cataracts in both eyes. i am now legally blind in my left and the right is failing fast. the surgery will cost between $3k-11k per eye. one of my biggest fears in life has always been going blind, now i am facing the reality. i am terrified. with no insurance i have only one option, which is a very slim one. i have already been informed that we make $4k per year more than the max we can make to get the state to help. my only other chance is a charity hospital a few counties away doing it for free. there is one main hurdle even if we qualify financially. i was told if we do qualify financially, they will still only do it if it is deemed "medically neccessary". you might think that the fact i am going blind would deem it so, but the criteria is a bit stricter than that. my left eye i know they would do the surgery if i qualify. BUT, i was already badly visually impaired before the cataract in that eye, so the surgery may not make much difference. in my right eye i am not quite legally blind yet so they might not do it, even though it would put my right eye back to 20/20 or close to it.

another part of that hurdle is i may not be able to get the paperwork they require to see if they will give me the financial aid. one of the jobs my husband worked last year never sent a w4. the hospital requires i bring last years w4's. he left on not the best of terms and they aren't a very nice company and may decide to drag their feet just to be jerks.

perhaps some may think i am being too pessimistic for my own good. but i am basing these assumptions on my past life experiences. old murphy's law of "if something can possibly go wrong it will" has always seemed to ring true in my life.

anyway, i'm not sure how much prayers will help or even how much i believe anymore, but i doubt they would hurt if you have time.

i tried to write a brief bit about this the day it happened but my diary wouldn't post anything. so here i go again i guess.

on monday, aug 18, 2008, the deputy county coroner came to my door at 5:35 am. i wrongly assumed that it was regarding my husband who is a long haul truck driver. like wives of cops and firemen, truckers' wives always have possible death in the back of their mind.  nothing in the world could have prepared me to hear that my 23 yr old son, who left home hours earlier as a perfectly healthy young man, was dead.  he worked for a company that cut large pieces of glass for highrises. no one knows exactly what happened but somehow he lost his footing and landed on the edge of a one of the panes across his neck, severing the main arteries in his neck. we do know from video in the plant that he lived long enough to try to call for help.

my heart bleeds for the 3 men who tried to save him. they were friends with my son. they didn't think twice about risks and jumped in immediately to try to save him.  but nothing to could be done. the deputy coroner told me even if he had been magically transported into an O.R fully staffed with the best surgeons, he had no chance of survival.

other than the day it happened, when i had to be online to get ahold of family members i don't have  phone contact with and my brief description here, i have been unable to bring myself to go online until now. one of my son's and my favorite past times to do together was playing world of warcraft (massive multiplayer online role playing game).  so being on the computer is very difficult.

i don't know if i can really explain what i am going through right now. nothing makes sense. it seems it has affected everything in my life. nothing looks the same, food has no taste, sorrow and guilt have taken control of every aspect of my life. i feel guilty about everything. if i don't feel i am not respecting his memory by a rare smile or whatever, i am feeling guilty for everything i do because my boy can no longer do whatever i am doing. i knew i was messed up in the head before all this happened, now i truly feel i am losing my mind. i am terrified for when my husband goes back on the road tomorrow because it will be the first time i have been alone since i received the news. i will have no choice but to face the reality of this tragedy when the house is empty. i will no longer have anyone to cook dinner for or pack a lunch for. no one to joke around with or share troubles with. the guilt of totally rearranging his bedroom is killing me, but i know seeing the room daily as he left it would promote my dillusion that he will walk through the door at any moment. and due to my phobias, closing the door and sealing off the room was not an option.

i don't know if i can survive this. losing my mother hurt so bad but nothing compared to this. to have him ripped away from me so suddenly with no warning leaves me feeling emotions i cannot even explain.

well, younger son is still not talking to me days later.  which is really ok because i don't want him around right now. i am afraid of his odd behavior. seems to be getting rapidly worse. i still feel the panic of what if we never speak again, but i refuse to be an enabler in someone acting like a horrible heartless person. older son still wants to beat the tar out of him but i won't let him. younger son will have him arrested for sure. plus violence doesn't solve anything.

a little more about that younger son. he is 20, refuses to work, lives off his disabled father, treats his father like dirt (cussing at him, doesn't clean the house - which people generally gag when they enter because of overwhelming odor of dog/cat pee and mold/mildew/rotten food). son now has an outstanding warrant for driving without a license. i mean come on, how do you let a trivial ticket like that get so far as you are absolutely going to do time for it? by being too lazy to get up and go to court. he sleeps 14+ hours a day. i am pretty sure he is back on drugs (think it is harder stuff than the pot he used to smoke) as he is out partying all the time and his erratic behavior points to it.

still in that multi-week anxiety attack. non-stop. it is wearing me down. i have really bad dark circles under my eyes, my neck and jaw hurt constantly now because of the tension and grinding my teeth. often the panic is so bad i am nauseated and have to force myself to even eat one meal a day. no way am i going to not eat and have them put me back in the funny farm for attempted suicide. although lately i am wondering if i would be better off.

so many things going through my head. depression, fear, anger. i feel like that is all i am anymore. i feel i am losing substance and turning into nothing more than an ugly ball of unwanted emotions.

as i mentioned before, i recently found out my younger son has been taking things from my older son (who lives with me) and myself, then pawning them. well, today the proverbial you know what hit thefan. and my head, panic and depression are all on overdrive.

today, for some reason my older son decided to confront my younger son about the theft. younger son said he didn't pawn all of it and still has some, but he can't find it (his house is the biggest pig sty you could possibly imagine so this is very believable). oldest son said "well, why don't you find it, it is our stuff". well it went crazy from there. all i said to my younger boy was to please try to find it so we could put an end to the fight that was going on between them. next thing i know he is telling ME to piss off and i will never see him again.

i sent him a text message saying it wasn't fair he took the fight out on me when it was between him and his brother and that he owed me a very sincere appology. he sends one back saying well, i didn't mean it i was just pissed off. long story short, i told him that wasn't a good enough appology for how he hurt my feelings. well he got bent out of shape and says for me to go F myself and we are no longer family.

since he said he no longer wanted to be my family i told him exactly what someone should have said to him a long time ago. that he needs to start taking accountability for his actions, stop acting like a badly behaved 10yr old. i basically told him he should be ashamed to treat me that way when i wasn't even in the fight and all i've ever done was try to help him when he doesn't even try to help himself.

now i am riddled with anxiety (worse than i already have been for over two weeks now constant) and depression. i don't feel guilty for anything at all that i said, that has nothing to do with the depression. the fact that i seem to have so many members in my family that could care less whether i was alive or dead for no reason is really getting to me. i know many probably think how could so many people in your family hate you and you not be at fault. you just would have to know my family. so self centered, selfish, horrible people. don't give a dang about anyone but themselves unless it gains something for them.

i am also afraid for when my oldest boy goes to work tomorrow evening. younger son will know i am alone. he has a violent temper that gets out of control. he doesn't hurt people but he damages property, i.e., fists through doors and walls.  if he breaks anything here i will get evicted. but if he comes over i cannot pretend everything is ok. i cannot act like i am sorry when i am not.

i just don't know what to do anymore about anything. i find myself wanting life less and less everyday. there is nothing possitive no matter how hard i try. each day is ugly and hurtful. i don't want this anymore. i can't find any benefits at all.

haven't been around much lately. having a really hard time with my panic/anxiety attacks. for the past couple weeks i am finding it close to impossible to bring myself to communicate with anyone outside of my family. even with family its all just basic. not relating how i am feeling or anything. no one wants to hear the same ole junk anyway. pretty sad when you are even afraid to come to a support site to talk about your probs because you are afraid people will get mad and sick of hearing your crap. tired of not having anything possitive in my life to talk about. i know people are sick of hearing that i am afraid to do this or that, how i wake up every morning with dread of the new day. go to sleep with dread and panic of what will meet me the next day. the depression is out of control.

i am trapped in a cycle i don't know how to get out of without meds and with no way to get meds it just keeps going round and round. financial problems are making me crazy. i so wish i could get a job to help out but the thought of going out into the world without a family member with me makes me so scared i feel like i will vomit, faint, or both. then the depression kicks in because i feel like such a failure because i can't get a job. i don't know how much more i can take. all these years i had hoped my condition would get better but it seems to be getting steadily worse. seriously fighting the constant "what's the use i just want to die" thoughts. i guess i should be grateful hubby doesn't allow any kind of medicine in the house that can be used for ... well you know. i am just so tired of being a failure at everything. tired of the constant life struggles. tired of every time i think things are improving they end up worse than before.

my emotions were not helped at all when i found out my youngest boy has been stealing from us and pawning the items. he doesn't seem to be on drugs but i don't know. this happened not long after i told him i would no longer loan him money without his dad (my ex) saying it was ok. i told him since he was using his dad's disability to pay back the loans, it was only right that his dad have first say on what was borrowed. he is 20 yrs old and hasn't worked a day in his life. he lives, or should i say sponges, off his disabled father, keeps moving his not so desireable gfs without asking. i am at a loss as to what to do about him and am hurt he is stealing from us. then when confronted by my other son, he treatened to have the cell phones that i pay for, but are in his name, turned off out of spite. my hubby is a long haul truck driver and we need those phones. can't get them in our name because of bad credit due to hospital and school bills.

so sick of seeing mean, horrible, dishonest, hurtful people get everything they want in this world while others who do their best to be good and caring get kicked in the teeth by life on a continual basis. what's the use of being a good person when all it does is cause you pain? too bad i can't live any other way. i could never hurt others for my gain so i guess i am stuck since it seems to be true that no good deed goes unpunished. as stupid as this sounds, if the world really is coming to an end in 2012, would be nice to experience at least some of it as wonderful and peaceful. hahaha dream on yeah right.

anyway, not that it matters but this is my update. hope ya'll are doing much much better.

P.S. if interested in the origin of this pic go here   its really an awesome story.

http://www.metro.co.uk/news/article.html?in_article_id=65876&in_page_id=34

i wanted to let everyone know that i am doing ok. i know a few of you have worried about me and i am very sorry. i have been suffering from a very severe bout of depression and anxiety lately so i have been lost in confusion and hiding from everyone. i know many will say i should have come here to talk about what was bothering me, and you are right, i should have. 

the problem is my social anxiety and trust issues. basically what happened to worsen an already bad depression and anxiety bout was someone i thought was a friend pretty much stopped talking to me for no reason. one of those situations where i had explained my illnesses and their affects, explained how i was terrified to make friends because they always seemed to walk away with no explanation. again i was coaxed with promises that they were not like that, they were a true friend, yada yada yada.  soon, much sooner than usual, the person began to communicate less and less. now i don't hear from them anymore.

now i am spending my time blaming myself and wondering why no one wants to be my friend (yes i know that sounds very juvenile but i am beyond lonely) for more than a short time. i understand it can be hard to be friends with a clinically depressed person, so i explain myself before i even become friends with a person. that i am not a naysayer as many believe. when they give advice and i say why my situation doesn't grant for their advice to work, they leave with or without an excuse. they think i don't want help, i am too much of a pessimist, etc. i can't seem to get it through that more than 50% of the time when they think i am being a naysayer, pessimistic, dark cloud, i am not even depressed. they just take something i say wrong (yes i know this is my failure).

basically i have wanted so desparately to come on here and talk to all of you about what is going on. the fear has been  terrible though. i spend my time wondering if there really is such a thing as true, unconditional friendship. are there any people who really mean what they say. i am so very tired of pretty words and being told what others think i want to hear. what a dream it would be to have a friend i could turn to know matter how great or bad my life was going. to share the happy and to know that, even if i go through a lot of bad, that they won't walk away. yes, i would give anything pretty much to be a normal, pretty much always happy well adjusted person. but i am not that lucky. i doubt at this age i will ever find anyone who would truly accept me for as i am.

anyway, this is part of what has been going on. i am truly very sorry if i worried anyone. i will try to face my fear and be on more. hugs to all.

i don't even know how to describe what is wrong with me.  i don't even know if i can.  if i do i will seem really stupid and could possibly trigger others panics.  i am so lostand depressed.

i wish people would think before they say things to others.  someone who has known about my condition for over 20 years and how i react to things told me something the other day that has me in a panic/depression i can't get out of.  telling me what he did didn't accomplish anything but upset me.  it was something that didn't even need to be said.  something about the aztec (or incan - can't remember which) calendar.  now i can't get out of this mood and don't know if i ever will.  i know i shouldn't even believe what he says, logically anyway.  but a large part of me is stuck in the land of "what ifs" with many stop overs in "whats the use". 

to top it all off my bell's palsy i thought was gone is flairing up again. i feel like i have an icepick stabbing me in my right ear almost constantly. hasn't gotten to my face yet. i don't know if it is normal but i always have the ear pain first. i hope it doesn't get worse. its the last thing i need. :(

i don't know what has happened but my wonderful mood from last week has slipped away. i was feeling so possitive and happy. it felt good to have that for more than a couple hours.  then daybefore yesterday i woke up in my usual depressive/panicky hell. i have put up a good fight with it but it is slowly beating me down.

i have absolutely no idea why i am depressed or having panic/anxiety attacks right now. it is so bad i can't even do my writing (my poetry and novel). its like sadness and hopelessness have enveloped my creativity and clear thought in a dark stifling blanket. i am not only experiencing a writer's block because of this, i am having difficulty concentrating. i am forgetting how to spell words, use my comp, things i want to do and can't remember 2 seconds later. i kind of feel like i am drunk (i never drink) in the way you feel detatched from yourself. i am just hoping this makes sense and isn't just a bunch of babble-babble-blah-blah.

 i am so very tired of feeling like this. i don't blame people for getting tired of my mood swings and depressive nature. it would be different if i could pinpoint something even remotely responsible for my mood. something tangible to give understanding about it. not just a sudden crash of a blue funk that totally overtakes me. knowing that i would have to go even further into debt to see a doc just so i can get possible help isn't making matters any better. it is really making me feel totally hopeless.

i'm not enjoying anything i normally do. my writing, playing on the computer, video games, reading, nothing. everything seems so pointless. i wish my life would stop being a roller coaster because I HATE ROLLER COASTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                                                             

I feel so stuck!

my burcitis is acting up really bad today. my hips and back hurtso much. no matter what position i get in it hurts. chair, bed, couch, doesn't matter standing or laying down. wish i could go to a doc, tylenol doesn't do anything for this pain. neither does over the counter motrin. can't sleep can't relax, can't barely walk. hope my son gets home before andrew wakes up. don't know how i will keep up with a 3 yr old with this pain. i haven't had a bad bout with this in a long time. was stupid to think it might have gone away, but hey hoping is good huh? i need it to stop hurting.

well, today is just another day. spending time with my gson. theday is going ok. just wish my son would do something about the temper tantrums before gson gets to the point they become a premanent problem with authority. i'm probably worrying about nothing but he is such a cute kid i would hate his life to be messed up cuz his parents wouldn't take care of him. i don't know maybe its just me, but i don't think a 3 year old should be throwing tantrums that last more than an hour, no matter what they are throwing the fit about. i wish i could say something but i know my son would go ballistic if i did. he would find a way to turn my advice into me being the worlds most  horrible person. so i just let him handle it, or should i say not handle it. it is going to be hard for me as a depressive with severe anxiety/panic issues to handle 3-6 days a week of this without saying anything. it is going to take all my strength to keep out of a major depression.

well, i have failed again to quit smoking. yeah i have my excuseswhich don't really mean a darn thing. still nothing but excuses.

my grandson is coming to spend the weekend. i love the little guy dearly but wow does he have behavioral problems. those problems are compounded by my son's lack of doing anything at all about them. no corner, no taking stuff away. let's him hit, scream, break, whatever without doing anything. i don't mean he should smack him or anything, but how is the little guy going to cope with life if he is not taught about consequences? i have an extremely strained relationship with my son so i cannot say anything. it will be as stressful as it will be fun. sometimes i feel like pulling my hair out when he is around (more because of son's lack of doing anything about the behavior) i know little ones are going to act up. i know it is normal. but this is not normal. little guy is angry more than he is happy. i worry there may be underlying issues. he is 3 yrs old, not potty trained and can only say a few words, and i do mean only a few. but i know if i say anything i will be considered an unloving gma.

so excuse or not i have decided to put off quitting until he goes back home to his mother. i don't want to be cranky with the beginnings of withdrawal when he is here. i know it sounds like i am using him as an excuse but i am not. i am taking full responsibility for my lack of courage and strength. i just know me and know it would be much easier if i could lay down, go for a walk, or whatever i need to do whenever i need to do it when i am going through the 3-6 day nicotine withdrawal. the habit part i will find  a way around. i'm just worried about the nicotine withdrawal. and no matter what anyone says, i do go through physical withdrawals. nausea, dizziness, bouts of tears/anger/depression, cold sweats. whether they are caused by psychological issues or not doesn't matter. i will do better if i have the first few days to totally relax and have freedom to do what i need to do.

i am just worried about the haha you failed i will receive from my son

i have another one of my really bad headaches. during the pastyear everytime i get one of these particular headaches that last for days (am on day 2) my vision declines. i am hoping it doesn't this time.

the possitive is i am not freaking out about it. not that the thought of my vision getting worse isn't scary for me, but i am finally realizing if i can't do anything about it, i might as well accept it. and there is nothing i can do about it. the most that could happen is if i was able to come up with enough money for one appt with a doc they would just maybe diagnose me and suggest more visits i couldn't pay for. i hope to go and try to get medical through the state soon, but honestly i won't hold my breath. not being negative, i have just had way too many disappointments where state "aid" is concerned. they usually do everything in their power to deny you.

even with the headache and the fear of losing my sight i am going to be possitive. i will enjoy everything i see while i can. relish watching my gson play and smile.

i don't know how i did it but i don't care. today startedout great. woke up feeling good, good mood and all. even got a wonderful gift from a friend. at risk of exagerating i was pretty much on cloud nine. i hadn't felt as good as i have since i woke up in years.

then the bad stuff started to happen. lost my credit card (only way i can get money without having to endure the fear of going to the bank), lost my glasses, just little things to a "normal" person. normally these types of things happening right after the very rare good things would send me back over the edge. granted my mood was a bit dampened, but i wasn't sent into a terrible panic/depression at the thought that i will have to go to the bank to cancel my card, have no way to get money until i get a new card. to a normal person this may seem trivial but to someone with a severe panic disorder and social anxiety disorder, these are very big deals.

i don't know how i got through it with only the slightest mood change, but i really like it. i am tired of everything being like a life or death ordeal. i'm not a drama queen, just the panic goes haywire over the simplest reasons. maybe my dealing this well is a sign that there is hope.

dealing with the anxiety pretty well again today. was able to complete a poem/song i have been working on for a little over a week. i think its decent. not that it matters, i only write poetry for myself, family, and the very few friends i have. not like  i am going to try to get it published or anything, lol. writing just helps me deal with my illnesses and put things into prospective.

my biggest problem the past few days of this anxiety attack is i keep forgetting to breath until my lungs burn. i know this can't be good for me but never have been good at the controlled breathing thing so i don't know what to do about it. it is causing light headedness that i totally hate. i really need to find a way to calm down but i don't know what is making me feel this way. without knowing what is causing it i am having difficulty addressing it. but regardless, i am still refusing to give in!

i am in the throes of a pretty strong anxiety attack that started yesterday. shortness of breath, my head and limbs feel weird. but i am fighting the feelings tooth and nail. i refuse to give in this time.

i'm not really sure what all is causing it but i have a good idea what is causing some of it. the fact i only have 1.5 packs of cigarettes left and plan on never buying more. i've been a smoker for over 20 years. i want to quit sooooooooooo bad. i am going to quit if i have to lock myself in my bedroom and cry for the first week. i will survive it, though it doesn't seem that way right now, lol. trying to decide whether to just start my quit now or wait until i don't have any cigs to cheat with. i know i could just throw them away but that is like throwing away money. but then again smoking cigs is pretty much just catching my money on fire anyway. this is something i have to do, something i want more than anything pretty much. all i want is the courage and strength to do this and for it to stick. wish i could pray about it but was raised you aren't supposed to pray for selfish gain. so i guess i am on my own.

today is a good day for me. no real reason. just in a good place atthe moment. (wish i could figure out why so i could capture and bottle it up for later, lol).

i'm feeling possitive about my effort to heal. i survived my "other site fiasco" and found the strength to come here instead of rolling up into a ball of selfhate and pity as i normally would have done. thats a good sign right? hopefully, i will gain enough strength soon to quit smoking. i know it will be rough but i also know in the long run it will lower my anxiety, clear up some of my allergy/sinus condition, help my skin, energy level, etc. just need to get the strength and courage up to face that first week. i have tried before and i literally go through DT's. sweats, nausea, shakes, etc. but i have to do it. plus i tallied up how much money i would save - $36 per week, $147 per month, $1764 per year - wow! i might as well catch my wallet on fire every month! what am i thinking??!! guess i should start thinking of the bills that could be paid and stuff i could buy i need with that kind of cash. may not seem like a lot to some but that is a ton of money to me. (if you take away what hubby smokes that is an additional $2646 a year -  holy cow)

after i quit smoking(not if) i will then work on cutting my caffeine intake by a half at least. 4liters of diet soda or more a day cannot be benefitting my anxiety disorder. that would be an additional over $450 i would save per year. wow! no wonder i am in such financial straights lol.

i am going to do this! i have to do this! even if family doesn't support the decision, i will hide in my room to do it if i have to!

most will probably think this is a stupid reason to be upset but i am regardless.  i have mentioned hundreds of times to my son and husband how bad my panic attacks get when i cut their hair. i meanto the point i can barely breath. seems to make no difference to them. apparently saving 15 bucks is more important than my peace of mind. i am so terrified if i mess up they will get pissed off and i would never hear the end of it. especially with my 23 year old. he pretty much seems to hate me anyway. last thing i need is for him to have another reason to hate me.  now that my vision is fading very rapidly for unknown reasons, my panics are even worse. i tell them again how i feel and they just say oh well you always do fine. i can't say no (another part of my panic/anxiety disorder). so i end up having to endure the torture which literally lasts for days after i have completed the haircut. what is so wrong with me that they don't seem to care how if feel. is it just that they are sick of dealing with my illness. i don't know but i wish i could get the courage to just tell them no way. so stupid, i know. not logical, i know. but this is me and i wish i was someone different. i really hate everything about me.

i can't believe the damage the other site i went to has done to me.  just the thought of being here has me in a pretty rough anxiety attack. shortness of breath, floaty head, cramping in mystomach.  but i am fighting it tooth and nail. i know i can't judge everyone on here by what i experienced there. that is my logical mind. my primal mind says the whole world is full of monsters waiting to treat me like dirt. i don't want to be afraid to tell what i am thinking or feeling. the web is my only outlet. i have no friends in real life because of my fear of being hurt, fear of leaving my home alone. i am so tired of it.

 what i wouldn't give to be "normal". i would love to be able to go out and get a job and think man i don't want to go to work today simply because i feel like having a lazy day. but i get so scared and sick at just the thought of going out into the world. what ifs are my biggest enemy. logically knowing the fears are mostly unfounded does not make the fear go away. i put so much pressure on myself to be the best on the job it ends up eating away at me both emotionally and physically. i feel so lost and hopeless most of the time. i can't do like most people and just go to a doc and get medicine. no insurance and no money takes care of that hope. the area i live in is a major homeless society so even the free clinics are out of the question. they are always out of money and only help those they feel are in emergency situations. how do you convince them you are in that type of situation when you are intelligent, articulate, and don't lie to exagerate your condition? how do you get out of a deep pit when no one is willing to throw you a rope to grab onto?

it makes me so mad when i see people here on assistance programs simply because they are drug addicts or alcoholics, when i can't get help for something that is beyond my control. they made their disability. others caused mine. so how is it right i can't get help?

but here i am fighting with everything i have to keep sane. to keep the suicidal thoughts at bay. to prevent the fears from completely destroying what little there is left of me. everyday i feel more and more of me slipping away. sadly i don't see any possibility of it changing on my own but i can't get help.

I am extremely nervous about being here after the terrible experiencesI had on another support site.  I went there for help, friendship and support and other than a couple people on there I pretty much got nothing but anger, belittlement, hurt feelings.  I truly felt I would have been better off if I had never found the site other than ONE person who has been a wonderful friend.  I am so afraid I will encounter the same environment here but what choice do I have.  This is pretty much my last hope.  I can't go anywhere alone, have no insurance or money for therapy or docs. I don't want to feel this hopeless/helpless/scared for the rest of my life.