Looking for perspective

And oh my I'm getting that intense gut pain again. It only comes maybe once twice a week but when it does it's excrutiating pain.

So much happening right now daily in our lives and worries about the future. Mostly financial and just how will I physically handle everything.

So I ran to the store the day before yesterday and when I got back youngest ran out to me and told me t

Holy moly I hate to even write this but....

A lot of you know I have trouble with food anyway and odors etc...lots of weird allergies or food reactions whether it's in my head or not it seems real and very scary.

 

Well for as many houses as there are on our street there are just a handful of kids my kids ages. Some are older kids or it's older retired couples on our block. The two kids that have come to play here we have had issues with.

For one I don't know if they have bad home lifes but they tend to want to treat our home as a community center. Friday when school was cancelled our doorbe

Oh I don't know what to write first because there are several things going on. We got a decent tax return this year and I negotiated right away when I heard the amount to pay off my credit card and that was I thought the deal. Well guess what the money came and husband is not turning it over. Which means he is sitting on a pile and I know what happens, he blows it all.

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I read somewhere that there is more chance of your son or daughter being killed on the road where they are the passenger of a teenage driver than by any other means. I kind of think maybe that's true based on all of the accidents you hear about with teenage drivers involved making mistakes due to their inexperience and sometimes downright risk taking behavior.

 I realize

Oh man I must be a big sucker or something but here is the story.

Monday afternoon was pretty busy. I ran errands and it was snowing that day in fact I heard we were supposed to get a snow storm so I had ran to the store early even though I was busy doing other things I stopped doing what I was doing to go before the weather got worse.

It had already snowed over the weekend and we h

I realize it's probably not normal but I stress about it. Right now my 13 soon to be 14 year old has soccer lifting Monday Wednesday and plays indoor on Friday nights. He also just signed up for spring soccer which he's never played before and I'm thinking spring might just run straight into fall. So the next 6-9 months and probably going to be this way.

I realize other people

http://wwjd.com/

I am blessed with four wonderful children and a husband who goes to work everyday to provide for us and deals with the stress associated even though it's probably not his first choice of what he would like to be doing with his time.

Here is some good info on how to deal with an aggressor in your life. Putting up a shield you can reference from my previous diary post is also a good method of dealing with negative vibes or energy you feel coming from people even after confrontation. The more you practice this the easier it will get and also the more effective it will be against shielding you from negative vibes.

Well I've about heard it all. Most likely been involved in my fair share too. We get it everywhere we go it seems. Does it matter whether it's just a rolling of the eyes? A blow off? A sarcastic remark here and there or something much more threatening?

Yesterday husband had taken off to run some errands and I headed to the store to grab a few things. I was just pulling up to the check out when my cell phone rang and he asked if I'd been to our other house and used the toilet. I said no I hadn't been there for 2 weeks and then when I went I did not use the bathroom. He said someone had also been in a back room. No hmm oh I know I opened a

Something happened just now that triggered a memory. It was a day when we were supposed to be working in the house we had bought to fix it up. It was cold out and there was no heat in the house. Me and my parents showed up but my husband was a no show. I was several months pregnant with my first child. My dad had started to work but was cold. He started sniffling and sneezing I felt bot

I think it's okay.

My first apartment I had was apartment 13. I thought it was kind of fun to live in number 13 when I opened my door or went to my mailbox thinking something adventurous and out of the ordinary might happen.

But I have no money.

Well maybe that's not being honest. I have money that I do not feel like I should spend because it's all I have and I have no way to  way to work and make anincome.

But honestly there are times my life is crap and I wish I could do something nice for myself to make myself feel loved and special.

Any ideas? 

Well my doctor thinks I am histamine sensitive. She wants to try me on H1 and H2 inhibitors. She wants to try that first and if it doesn't work then send me on to an allergist.
But she does thinkthat is what has been going on the entire time and she said she thought my POTS was pretty much under control! yeah!
So I am supposed to take like a half of my pill since I am very med sensit

Well here I thought I was feeling SO good.
Went to work and went to take a break.
I had grilled out and made some chicken. I grabbed it to go since I didn't have time to eat it. I added some teriyaki sauce to it that I have eaten before and had NO problem.
I took this break-ate some of the chicken-headed back to my unit and was feeling fine Within 20-30 minutes I started experie

It's been over a year now since my horrible bout with chicken pox.
The pox were not so bad it was what came after with the horrible chest pain that lasted for over a month and then my heart literallystarted going nuts. Speeding up slowing down and totally stopping at times.
It was physically and mentally taxing. I didn't think I was going to live.
I basically just tried to h

Well maybe I should explain first that yard work is not my husband's bag.
I have finally come to realize and accept that. He enjoys getting on the mower and riding around-does a great job repairingthe mower because he usually has a belt come lose or something with every mow. So he's pretty handy with that but tree care? etc etc is not his thing.
When we first moved to this proper

Did you know they make solar tiki's?
It even flickers like it has a candle inside.
Well we have an early wake up call here so it's off to bed.
I just hope to get everyone quiet and asleep here soon.
It wasn't a bad day-we got through it and tomorrow should go okay I just need to try to get some sleep here so I can pull it off.
Night all.

Well my baby girl is growing up.
She had her kindergarten screening today and she was grinning from ear to ear. It was a bit emotional to see her at this transition in her life.
I always worryhow long I will be around for her and today was one of those times where I just felt like I am here now to see this and be here with her and I just want to keep doing as much as I can for her.

I have to go to my 8 year old's elementary school play.
We are going to have a blast!
Be back soon. : )

My new motto.
I procrastinate a lot and make tasks much harder than they really are by attaching all sorts of emotion to them.
I've decided to just barrel full force ahead and quit worryingso much about things. SO here I go. I've been applying this method the past two days and so far it's working. I just try to turn my mind off and put my thought into just the action of the t

Anybody hear what the verdict was?
I worried it would be bad news. It's cold here.
We're only having highs in the 30's all week and it's snowing here now as I type.
The poor kids are up and out so early here. The first bus comes at 6:40 am so it's up at 6:00 every morning-I don't know how the little ones do it. They are so wound up at night too that they can

What can I say?
I have a bunch of things to take care of today including errands.
It has warmed up from 6 degrees yesterday morning to 20 so that is a blessing. Maybe it will warm up a bit morebefore I have to take the kids out and run these errands. I can leave them in the car for these so that is a blessing the people at the business will just load the hydrogen peroxide and drinking wa

ON the way home from dance class.......it's quiet for a while and then from the back I hear..........Dindle bells dindle bells dindle all the way..........a little later sis says, "I'm soscratchy but mommy won't sell my coat and I just want her to sell it." A small voice says, "why do you want her to sell it?" Sis says, " Sooooo, I can scratch my back because I

Two days in a row!
I won't let this get me!
Well for every mess I clean up I have two more.........yes I know we have food, water, we aren't in Haiti thank goodness.
We made it to preschool today on time-yeah! And we got our hair brushed first today instead of just the splash of water we did yesterday declaring we fixed it!
And I will no longer be searching for socks be

Well I had the pleasure of starting my day with a nice little nastigram from Susan who among other things thinks that my husband might be better off leaving me.??? Who knows maybe we'd be better offit's what everyone tells me and I just haven't been willing to believe it. (That's the internal voice of reason speaking there)
But I'm making the choice to move forward here an

A coworker just called-yeah short notice, and asked if I would work for her this afternoon. We had a nice chat and I agreed to help her. I actually negotiated for her to come in and relieve me at 9pm so my kids don't have to be out so late, she's going to get her kids down first then come in-I said no pressure just come when you can. I love it. I love to live in a world with freedom and pe

I haven't written in my diary for so long.
So much has happened in a year.
Many challenging days.
Today was a pretty good day here.
Everyone got along, the kids fought a littlebut they are doing well working it out amongst themselves, they don't get too out of hand, shed a few tears and move on.
I cleaned the bathroom today, bravo!!!
I keep going in and lookin

It's been two weeks now since hubby left most of which has been a pleasant relief. I think the anger is carrying me through this initial phase and I am just starting to realize that I lost the partof my husband I liked along with the part that is just unexcused and that I cannot live with.
So it's one day at a time here and just focusing on coping.

Hope is all we have to get us through.
Hope that we'll fulfill our dreams in this lifetime
Hope that we'll stay healthy
Hope that we won't let ourselves or others down
Hope that we'll cope when things don't go the way we planned
Hope for our future and for the futures of our children
Hope that things will get better when things are tough
Hope

As my feelings and behaviors are changing towards my partner, he is changing his responses to me.
This support group is enabling that to happen.
When I have much anger built up towards my partner, it prevents me from an effort of positive towards him.
With the ability to release that through talking and sharing with others, it helps me to depersonalize the actions and behaviors of m

or to feel like I have some control at least over my own feelings. I was doing so well-feeling good (well as good as I can with my routine) and his whole emotional void inability to cope took over andswept me right down along with him.
My first feeling was just of concern for him and then feeling like he just didn't get it. He has so much potential if he just sticks with this job. He nee

I finally after a week figured out how to post on my new forum for partners of someone with borderline personality disorder. I'm very excited about that.
The week was good and my husband has been gone the last three days work related, so we had a bit of a break.
I also notice a huge improvement in his mood since I check in with him regularly. He seems way more upbeat and I'm not

For this past 48 hours I've felt totally different about my life. Ready to go on. I couldn't believe my experience this morning as I got out of bed. It was a short night with about 6 hrs sleep. When the alarm went off, I thought okay find your center. I'm not a yoga enthusiast and wondered, can I find a center if I'm sleep deprived? Well it took me about 5 minutes to wander into th

Well it's time to get this day started hit the shower etc.  All the physical things we do in our days for the ones of us who are still living and breathing if you can call it that. Our minds are in perpetual torture. Sometimes for a brief moment by the grace of God our thoughts are drawn in another direction and we are free from a moment from the nightmare of the reality that we live in.&

I am so upset I feel like I'm going to get diarrhea as I type this. I know TMI but that's how sick and upset I am.
I don't know where to start with this story.
My husband called me at work today to check in and happened to bring up that a female highschool classmate is coming to the state next to us and will be a couple hours away to visit friends and wondered if he can pop o

It wasn't a bad one but after several days of being up maybe hypomanic considering the ego trip he was on he called me yesterday at work while I was at lunch to tell me he was going home to get someZ's. And so he continued to sleep on the couch the entire evening. His mood seems okay, for the little I was around him, but he could not keep up with the pace he was on. I hope he is able to le

I mentioned my concern for my husband and his hounding approach he is taking with his coworkers he was being very direct and putting people on the spot. Well he ended up not accomplishing what he neededto despite all of his effort to get others to gear into action and had to travel himself to the plant today to check out the problem first hand. So he'll be out of town tonight most likely. 

So things have still been smooth sailing here. We are having polite exchanges, no stress at home.
BUT Ch is bragging about some questionable behavior with his job. He is just kind of taking over and calling out and putting on the spot people in somewhat high positions. I'm not sure it's appropriate. So far he's getting away with it and his president he works for was even impressed

no I'm not leaving. Well technically I am but just to run errands. My duty as a mother and keeper of this house are calling loudly.
My husband and I just accepted a dinner invitation with hisplant manager for next Friday evening so that sends me into a whirlwind of preparation. I want to get a new outfit for sure. And I'll have to line up a babysitter.
Times like this the dinner

Everything is looking brighter to me since I found this forum. I think it is one of the answers to everyone in a situation like mine is to have friends to turn to.People who will just listen and care and offer supportive advice. I don't worry as much what if he comes home and says this or does that? So what if he does I'll have someone to share it with and keep me straight.
Everythin

Everything is going smoothly here. We spent the weekend talking about plans for adding onto our home. Ch almost lost it once over misunderstanding but quickly recovered.  Ch came home early Mondayand made supper and asked if there was anything he could do to help out around the house. The last two days have been pleasant also.
Times like this I can almost start to forget that we are dea

and just feel happy with my life. Doing a lot of reviewing of my life lately for some reason. Feeling like if anything comes up I have friends to talk to about it. And help me find ways to deal with things.
Hopeful about the weekend that it can be a good time and not the dread that usually accompanies my weekends off of knowing it will be totally unproductive and a disaster, only to find it

So yesterday my title would have been I'm lost. I was so confused I didn't even know what I believed anymore. I didn't even know where to start with my own daily routine. Yes I went to workand did my thing there-it's easy. But what of the evening. Well once again my routine saved me and I was able to stop and get some groceries on the way home, take the kids to soccer practice, the

In the midst of trying to deal with my husband and all the abnormalities that his disorder presents for himself and our relationship, I feel sad about the impact that all of this has on my ability to function normally and the exhausting impact it has on me that can't help but debilitate my ability to perform my best as a mother and keeper of this home.
I easily find myself just obsessive