There have been a lot of realizations since the last post. Much of my anger really comes from when I was a child before I started kindergarten. My foster mother, great grandma, and I were at a friend of the family's house. Her name was Francis and her adult son Andrew were there. I liked playing with him because he was nice. But he tricked me once and molested me. That isn't the part the angers me. I got away but when I went to tell what happened I started getting yelled at before I could say anything. I got in trouble for ruining my dress and when I pointed to Andrew and started to say what he did I got yelled at again before I could say anything and accused of lying and putting the blame on someone else. When I started to cry, I got smacked.

Just thinking about it is making me upset. I can feel my heart rate raising . my muscles tense and my hands are shaking. It is difficult to type at the moment. But it explains a lot of my anger issues because I mostly get upset when I feel I'm not being heard. I feel like I need to say something and I'm not quite sure what it is. I feel like I need to scream at the top of my lungs to get people's attention but once I do, what is it that I'm trying to explain, share, teach. It kind feel like, "Now that I have it, what do I do with it"?

As for Andrew he passed away before I could do anything. He was mentally handicapped and his body couldn't handle anything. So, the issue was never really resolved. It just seems people have a tendency of not listening to me, ignoring me or just not believing me. People on the internet don't bother to talk to me. Groups I'm a part of don't respond to my posts or questions. People only seen to talk to me because they are asking about my son. That's it. I feel completely invalidated, like I don't matter, unimportant, nonexistant. It seems the only person who acknowledges me is my toddler son or my dad. Even my husband has been acting like I'm a child. I don't think he's been doing it on purpose but he is doing it and it is starting to really bother me.