|Jul 02 2010|
So, Sofia has found a job at a local LGBT bar which obviously allows her to begin her transition as a woman without much worry. I'm all for her doing what she feels makes her happy. Unfortunately, it may not be as great for me. I talked with my therapist on Monday, telling her my concerns. We had attended PRIDE over the weekend (it was a lot of fun) and I had to do some soul searching. I've been confused about my own sexuality for a few years now and normally I would take my time in coming to an answer about something this important. But with Sofia pushing her life trial forward it pushes my own analyzing to the front burner. I know I can think of being with a woman and feel excited, but calling myself bisexual or bi-curious just doesn't feel right. And I brought this up to my therapist Brooke. She says something like this can be so stressful because my spouse isn't just changing their style, they are changing their physiology. So it isn't something to take lightly. But, then she asked me something I didn't think of. She asked me what I felt when I think of being with Sofia in a sexual manner. It took all of my strength to say that I see her as a friend not as a spouse.
It has become clear that I can't be in a lesbian relationship, I'm not bi-sexual/curious. I couldn't help but think of the statistic of well over 80% of trans relationships don't last. And I wanted to be the exception just for Sofia. I want her happy. But Brooke re-assured me, that almost all of those relationships broke off because the spouse of the trans person was not the sexual orientation they needed to be to keep that relationship going. That made me feel a little better, but only for me. Not for Sofia. I love her so much, I can't say "Don't become a woman." That's not fair to her. I'm just not a lesbian weather bi or full. I'm afraid to tell her because she is so afraid that she is going to loose me and that isn't the case. She is the first person to really let me be me. Quirks and all. At the very least, she will be my best friend. She is the other half of our son Samual. So, she has to be part of his life.
But, how do I go on? How can I continue going knowing the man I married will no longer be sexually available to me. What do I do? Do I stay married and not have a sexual relationship with her, or do we annul the marriage and go our seperate ways relationship wise? Like I said before, we will be in each others' life for the rest of our days, but I still feel like I'm going to be divorcing my husband and never speak with him again. This is so confusing and painful.
difficult is for lack of a better term
Samual's on a hunger strike
This is getting serious.
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