|Jun 16 2011|
Can't exactly come to terms with everything. Knowing that I at least have well enough more skeletons in my closet than most. The thoughts of pressing into another day dragging all this along again is too overwhelming. It gets heavier each day, the distance constantly becomes longer, the nights last longer than the days. Time slips from seconds into months in an instant without notice. The days have completely vanished off the calender without a trace. The air has turned so thin that gasping for a breath is now the understated. Looking up feels like falling down and so as it would vice versa. Can't remember the last time I've truly felt like more than just a ghost. The weeks roll into each other without questions of what has happened and what will come of what's to be.
All these days are cloudy. The sun never shines here anymore. The moon hasn't been full in a while. And the wind still at a standstill as these leaves so meticulously paint the ground around me. All these roads split off more into others leaving me at a loss as to which is the best for these solutions. Can't find a way. Can't find a path not misleading. Can't find a person to extend the words "this is my world, the mess is far greater than anything you've ever accomplished but can you help me find a way?"
Haven't slept in days, weeks, or months. Haven't been away from this place for weeks. Haven't truly fed myself in over a year. It all spirals farther and farther into a more soulless existence. All interests lost. Haven't recognized myself in the mirror since a glorious December day three years ago. Still can't find the way to thank you, not that you'd understand now anyways. Sorry it had to be with this way, but someday soon it'll all be changed.
Cold all the time. Eyes emptier than the depths of a black hole. All feelings lost and all emotions massacred. Can't come to compromise with the true monster in me. These secrets eat me alive each day I have the haunting dreams gracing my memory. This is killing me to know that I can just walk away from it all like its an everyday occurrence for me. In some cases it may just be.
And then you... Some of it because of you... Damaged from the inside out and bleeding from the outside in. A ghost that haunts the ghost. Pretending to live juxtaposed, but in worlds so far apart. Sorry, but this mess was here long before, just had the opportunity to take what was cleaned up and throw it all back around again, but in the worst way. No pride in these scars woren by me and no happiness sheds as they still bleed. But what I'd like to do for you is reach down that pretty little throat of yours and rip out what is still mine. Show you that it hasn't been beating since the beginning of this all.
Assessed, reassessed, and assessed what I've reassessed and still can't come to a solution. Far greater than I can control now but still will never escape me. Each day these particular things call my name and I am unconsciously obedient to them. All this to keep it all in. To never escape me. To never make its way to them, to you, to all.
Still remember what it was like to hold you for the first time on that wonderful March day. Everything felt so right and perfect in that moment. Truly felt I was apart of you. Like the other, still can't find the way to say thank you but things will change for the better someday soon. Lose no hope my child for this is just the beginning.
This world has been annihilated. All things done in order through the use of compulsion are now all lost. There is no obedience to oneself. The wreckage is far greater than anyone could have ever predicted. But it was done by self. Alone. Its what one has created through searching for ways to fix. But the search has undoubtingly destroyed this all. It only took until now for one to finally turn around to take a look at it all and realize there's no sign of a way out without making the destruction greater. Soon all the pieces will fall. And there will be no world left standing in.
Not entirely certain as to what this was all about. Not that the whole true story will ever be revealed to anyone anyways. All metaphorical. All Misleading. All Misunderstanding. All will never figure this out. Taking things into consideration. Will be decided on an answer soon enough. Then maybe, just maybe will all this make sense. For now these pieces won't match up and the puzzle will never be finished, let alone started. What will they assume?
Suppose this can be a way of being the phoenix, all of this burning down into ash. And then from the ashes rises something new. Someday soon I'll leave to fix this. For now this is goodbye... to all.
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