Looking Back

As a kid I can remember masturbating at a very young age.  Maybe second grade.  About 12 I had my first orgasm and the addiction began.  First it was a habit then an addiction.  Every day sometimes twice and three times a day until I was in my twenties.  I was very shy with girls and had a lot of guilt complexex relating to sex.  So sex with myself, in private was great.  My neighbor had a huge library of porn so I would spend alot of time there, while house sitting, and view all kinds of porn.  I thought once I was in a relationship the activity would stop, but it didnt.  I continued to masturbate, view porn and have sexual relationships with girls.  My dirve was and still is very strong.  Then I thought once I got married that for sure it would end, but it didnt.  I continied the behavior over 22 years of marriage.  It never affected my sexual relations with my wife.  It, in fact, helped it because alot of what I watched I would share with my wife and tell her I learned it on line.  The porn I watch is heterosexual and relatively safe. (what ever that means).  No abuse, bondage, rape issues here.  I was raised in a very healthy loving family and have a good self esteem.My wife and I are very open and honest but I did not share with her my addiction. (spiritual advisor advised me against it and I think he was right.).  She knows I mastrubate every once in a while and doesnt mind.

When I took the sex addict test I answered yes to 12 of the 27 questions so I think I am definitly an addict.

I want to stop this behavior because it is consuming me.  I spend all day everyday thinking about sex even though I have healthy satisfying sex three or four times a week.  The desires are cloouding my reality and depressing me.  I love my wife more and more and dont think its fair to her as well.  She is always there for me.  I should be pure to her.

This november 1 will be a year since my last visit to my advisor (who is a priest).  I will be happy to tell him I only had one relapse in the year and that this site is helping.  You see he recommended I seek this kind of help and its working.

I know God loves and forgives me and will help me get through this. I have taken the feeling of guilt and self loathing and put them in his hands.  Each moment I resist is a victory.