|Oct 05 2011|
As a kid I can remember masturbating at a very young age. Maybe second grade. About 12 I had my first orgasm and the addiction began. First it was a habit then an addiction. Every day sometimes twice and three times a day until I was in my twenties. I was very shy with girls and had a lot of guilt complexex relating to sex. So sex with myself, in private was great. My neighbor had a huge library of porn so I would spend alot of time there, while house sitting, and view all kinds of porn. I thought once I was in a relationship the activity would stop, but it didnt. I continued to masturbate, view porn and have sexual relationships with girls. My dirve was and still is very strong. Then I thought once I got married that for sure it would end, but it didnt. I continied the behavior over 22 years of marriage. It never affected my sexual relations with my wife. It, in fact, helped it because alot of what I watched I would share with my wife and tell her I learned it on line. The porn I watch is heterosexual and relatively safe. (what ever that means). No abuse, bondage, rape issues here. I was raised in a very healthy loving family and have a good self esteem.My wife and I are very open and honest but I did not share with her my addiction. (spiritual advisor advised me against it and I think he was right.). She knows I mastrubate every once in a while and doesnt mind.
When I took the sex addict test I answered yes to 12 of the 27 questions so I think I am definitly an addict.
I want to stop this behavior because it is consuming me. I spend all day everyday thinking about sex even though I have healthy satisfying sex three or four times a week. The desires are cloouding my reality and depressing me. I love my wife more and more and dont think its fair to her as well. She is always there for me. I should be pure to her.
This november 1 will be a year since my last visit to my advisor (who is a priest). I will be happy to tell him I only had one relapse in the year and that this site is helping. You see he recommended I seek this kind of help and its working.
I know God loves and forgives me and will help me get through this. I have taken the feeling of guilt and self loathing and put them in his hands. Each moment I resist is a victory.
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