Lollipop's Stuff

It's been a long while since I wrote in this diary.  Today I'm sad.  My husband has been working for several weeks nonstop.  Something that has been required from his employer, so I understand and I respect it.  But in the process, I've begun to notice my "quite a bit" hypomanic husband becoming more and more detached again from me.  Memories of his m

Once again things have become more normalized here.  I'm thankful that my husband listened to the pdoc and has been much more willing to take his risperdone when needed.  He actually took it of his own accord, the other day.  It does make him tired and sleepy and I miss him when he sleeps the day away, but I have learned through these past few years that sleep is necessary fo

Nivlac is back to a certain degree.  Enough to recognize him, anyway.  I really don't feel much fear this time, though.  It of course concerns me for my husband.  And I neverwant to go through what I did in 2010.  So, I stand watching, ever vigilant, only this time I feel strong.  They say knowledge is power.  That is a far-reaching statement.  To hav

My hubby is still doing good and I'm so happy.  There has been an occasional bout with hypomania, but for the most part...things really have been good.  I'm in Houston right now for a few days, thinking back on 2010, when I attended this business trip with my hubby and he was so "out of it" that he could barely pass the test after his training.  Aced it yesterday.&

He lays there, distant looking, crying inside

I touch his face in hopes of encouraging him

Nothing helps at these times.

He cries with his eyes wide open, no tears, staring

Emotionless, staring, staring, staring at nothing

I try to help him, I stroke his face again

I ask him what's wrong, he says he wants it all to be over.

Life is meaningless and

My husband has been hypomanic off and on for several weeks now.  I've enjoyed the energy and he's more conversational than normal, but unfortunately, along with this comes irritabilityand anxiety.  Today was a very anxious day for my husband.  He has weekend duty this weekend, so that puts him working M-F, S &S, M-F before he gets a break.  12 days.  That is

New day, still sick, but Christmas movies on the tv are therapeutic for Lollipop.  I'm feeling better and thinking there might be some good folks out there....lol :D:D:D:D:D  All of myfriends on mdj have been so good to me since I've been on here.  I think my experience with my husband acting out last year has left me more suspicious of other people's sincerity than e

I've been sick today, got a cold somewhere and it's kicking my tail.  I don't know if being sick is making it more hard for me to keep my thoughts straight tonight or what.  I'm going back in my mind to alot of stuff that I don't want to think about.  I was watching television and I was thinking nothing is really real or good about people anymore.  You ca

I don't know why.  I'm depressed.  Very badly.  I haven't felt this depressed in a long while.  What makes it worse is that I don't know why.  I have alot of thingsto do today but I think I'm going to blow most of them off and just have a down day and watch some tv or something.

Every night my husband and I have been reading the Bible together.  Generally, he prays before meals and I pray before bedtime.  Last night, he prayed before we went to sleep.  My husbandwants so badly to get better.  He said he hopes he can keep his job.  I asked him, "Have you been getting in any trouble at work?"  And he says, "No". 

Today I had to come to the hard realization that things are never going to be exactly the same.  I feel nothing negative much anymore as far as the infidelity issue my husband suffered throughlast year.  I realize  he didn't mean to do it; I know the disappointment in himself nearly cost him his life.  His memory is like an electrical short, sometimes connecting and othe

Today started out great.  I fixed lunch for the 101 year old lady down the street and my hubby delivered it to her because I had a women's brunch to attend.  I never go anywhere so I was fairly excited about attending this and got picked up in a gorgeous convertible by a lady from my church.  I barely know her, but she called and invited me.  It was so nice of her. 

I'm leaving for Houston again.  My hubby and I are going for a business trip, together.  I've been thinking of all the things I would like to do while there.  And also, thinkingof the things I don't want to do while there.  Like reminisce and relive the ridiculous things that happened last year.   I'm not going to do that again.  I feel like I&

My husband had a rough labor day weekend.  He was able to function but he was slipping up and down in his moods, with a depression episode that was one of the worst in a couple of months.  He was super depressed for nearly 2 days out of the weekend.  We rarely ever argue but we did have one heated argument this weekend.  It lasted about 1 hour.  Sheesh.  The thing

Tonight, it hit me again.  The crying and stuff.  Depression I suppose.  I've been doing so good and tonight almost out of the blue, depression hits and I cried so hard.  My husbandfelt so helpless, I could tell.  I wasn't really saying anything to him and all he kept saying to me was "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."  I wish I wouldn't have

I've been told throughout my life that I am a fairly easy-going person.  Not much really makes me mad.  Just a few things...injustice, seeing anyone mistreat a child or an elderly person, hateful customer service reps, sorry waitresses, whores, or when I don't feel like someone is respecting me.  Actually that is probably the thing that tics me off the most.  No resp

I think it's sad that some people make it difficult for all people.  By that I mean some people who really don't care about others try to start drama in our forums and cause hurt upon morehurt.  People who come to the forums are suffering.  Members may not always say the right things or behave necessarily in a mature manner, but they may be doing, emotionally, the best

Farewell To Twenty Ten

 

Farewell to Twenty Ten

We'll not cross this way again.

There have been good times and bad,

With hope for thefuture making us glad.

 

Although bipolar is a neverending task

Staying with our loved ones is all that we ask.

We love them, we won't leave them, we'll stand by t

As I thought about my life over the years with my  husband I wrote this:

REFLECTIONS

Like beautiful prisms of light dancing their way across a sunlit room

  I reflect onthe beauty of our life together.

A life defined by loving relationships of

This year I hurt so bad, for so long.  I isolated myself from everyone while trying to find some way to stop the pain I felt.  I wrote many poems while alone this year.  I asked the Lord to help me remember the history I had with my sweet husband before all of this happened.  These are some of my thoughts expressed through poetry:

BOUND BY A RING

I don't know why this has to happen to him.  He has a couple of good days and then for no apparent reason, slips off into deep depression.  He came home early today....at noon.  He has had to call in and come home early more this year than ever in all of his years of working.  I hope he doesn't eventually get in trouble.  I just don't know why he goes up and do

My husband's supervisor has been out of town for an audit, leaving my husband in charge of the whole section.  He doubted his ability as he feels  very tired on his meds and his self-confidence level has been practically nil since his mania this year.

He has amazingly made it through this week, so far, managing and accomplishing things quite well.  He even told me that

Today I have had a pretty good day. It's been quiet around here and I've had alot of time to think about things.  I am trying very hard to let everything my counselor said to me soak deepdown inside of me.  She  said some things to me that I've never thought of before and gave me a different perspective to ponder.

 My heart and mind cannot deny that my husb

Even though this year has proven to be the most challenging year of my life, I must not stall here.  I have to keep going.  I'm trying to see more clearly what I need to do and how toachieve it.

I have scheduled an appointment with a therapist to once again go talk to them about my inability to forgive the incident of my husband and the other woman.  I thought I had for