I don't know what happened to me tonight, but I hit a down patch... again... no rhyme or reason as far as I can tell.  I'm just feeling incredibly antisocial and hollow which sucks.  I hate feeling hollow, it's like torture really and it's not going to go away tonight that much I know.  When I get this way it'll hang on for a day or two.

 Of course, no one would ever know if not for me writing this because I can chat and type 'lol' all I want, I can shoot off quips and jokes but in reality... I'm the polar opposite.  I don't know why I do it, but I do.  Always putting on a good face, an art I perfected over the years.

 I know a part of it has to do with working late today... that always is hard on me.

 And I know a part of it is my roommate's boyfriend coming to visit next week.  Their first 'face to face' meeting... and I'm really struggling with this because I don't know how I feel, not about him, but about her... and what if it works out and she leaves me alone and... I know she wouldn't do that.  We've been best friends forever and my feelings... is it just because it's been the two of us for so long, or do I really have romantic feelings for her?  I just know that I'm feeling incredibly insecure and jealous, so much so I feel sick to my stomach when I think about it.

 And I can't talk to her about it.  Well, I could, but I won't because she's already worried about what could happen when he shows up... 

 I just, I was fine with it until today, well, was I?  I don't know, maybe I just wasn't thinking about it.  I don't know, but I think it's starting to get to me.  I was filled with the urge to cut again tonight, just so that I can feel something, anything, just as long as it wasn't this numbing empty sensation.

 I know, I know... breathe, remember to breathe... and I'm trying, it's just hard.

 All I want to is crawl in bed and sleep.