Tonight I watched Haven. At the end the main character of the movie finds out she's pregnant with Satan's child. I don't know why, but I ended up sobbing for half an hour and as usual repeating"God took my baby". I finally ended up calling my mom at 1:30 in the morning.  I wish I knew how to bring peace to myself. Instead I've turned to what always seems to calm me down...The bipolar meds. I just got out of the hospital last Tuesday and was sicker when I left then when I came in. I miss my baby so much. I always wonder why she was taken from me. I know it was not the perfect situation not married, didn't plan on getting pregnant. When I saw her little heartbeat I was instantly in love. Before she died she had started to develop arm buds and leg buds and all I can think of when I cry is her little body. I love her so much and if god would just give me one day to hug her and kiss her I would take the rest of my years for it.  I feel like a drone going through my days. It's like going through the motions apathetically. I just hope that someone here can identify. I'm going to find out when the miscarriage group meets at my local hospital and find a way to get there. The nights are just soo hard cause that's when I'd talk to the baby the most. I guess I will try and get some rest now.

Shawna