Well today i dont know why everything is bugging me. It was boring today and nobody wanted to go out with me, I dont like to do things by myself but I guess maybe I should try and be less dependenton people.

on another note the interview for the nanny position went well and they want me to come in for a trial day. First she had asked for M-F but when I went she asked if I'd want to work 3 or 5 days. So I said 3 would be better. So I can have less stress and more time to do other things with my family. Also she said she will be working from home, kind of  a bummer cause then its kind of akward feeling like someones always around. We will see how it goes--who knows . I am just trusting in God to let me know /or allow me to do whatever is the right thing for me.  Sometimes its good to feel that in the end it is in His control and I can let go.  dont worry every little thing is gonna be allright!  Im trying....

Days have gone by and I finally have a name for what I've been feeling.  It's not like regulsr mania where you energetic inspired and feel great.  It's like your energetic butanxious , irritable and deppressed at the same time.  My whole body feels stressed,tight and tense. I don't even realize sometimes just how tightly I'm holding my shoulders and neck until I try to relax them.

I would almost rather be depressed because at least then I am relaxed and not so wound up inside.  I am still taking my meds but I guess I should really get to seeing a psych again now that I have insurance.  I hate that I just can't fix things myself , but I guess I have been doing okay enough to get by on my own.  I really don't know what to do if this doesnt fade away soon cause it sucksing and is very exhausting!!

It is catching up to me since spring started I haven't been as restful and lately have started having insomnia. I know I need my sleep but something inside me keeps nudging me to get up and do something. Is it the season change making me jittery or just cycling? Who knows?? I guess I have to keep my lithium level higher(taking 2 pills-no skipping). Hope I  can get myself back on track... I hate this cause I feel exhausted and fuzzy. Anyway I didn't go to work cause I was too tired from being up. Gonna take my lithium and hope it chills me out so I can sleep at night.