Life on the teeter-totter

Havent written in months, have a hard time even coming here most days because of my negative attitude.  I dont want to project my "assholitis" on anyone else.  If I cant say somethingsupportive, I should say nothing.

 Its been over 2 months and Brandon has done absolutely ZERO about getting custody of the boys.  His ex did some insurance fraud scam where she billed her hospital shit to his insurance and they sent it to us wanting payment.  When I asked him to check into that a month ago...it never happened.  Still hasnt.  Probably never will.  I cant deal with this.  Im not dealing with this. 

His new meds seem to be working wonders.  Im guessing by the last few days behavior that he probably is skipping again...i see the symptoms coming back here and there.  Maybe its just my assholitis, i dont know.

Im having a hard time lately justifying staying with him.  I love him dearly but my co-dependency is getting worse, my self esteem is all but gone, the happy, energetic, organized person I was has dissappeared.  I dont even know who I am anymore.  I cant even remember who I was or how to get it back. 

The counseling was going so so, but we havent been back for 2 months.  I asked him to schedule us an appointment...he never did.  He did, however, find time to buy a bunch of new stereo equipment for his new car that had an excellent stereo already in it...and of course, made it to the gym every day...and went and bought suppliments, and did whatever else he wanted to do.

I have never met a more self centered, inconsiderate person in my life.  he is not capable of being what I need.  He is not equipped to be a loving husband and father.  He will never change.  His twisted mind tells him he is the best...nobody is a better father, provider, husband etc...than HIM.  How dare I even consider talking bad about mr wonderful.  Im the problem...its all me.

So four years living together and we still dont share a checking account.  Theres still no talk of marriage.  He makes 3 times what I do, yet I still struggle to pay ALL MY BILLS, and half of the household bills.  He has never paid a bill of mine.  He has never offered.  He pays his ex 800 a month for nothing, yet i can pay for all his kids food, activities, school stuff, etc...and never would he consider helping me. he has never once paid a cent for anything my kids have done.  Every vacation, every trip, every "day out" everything we have ever done has come out of my pocket.

i want to vomit.  my house foreclosed, my car repo'd, everything i worked for gone and here i am, four years later and worse off now than before.  My focus should have always been me and my kids and not trying to make a family with him and his...he obviously doesnt give a damn, why should i?