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peasha"This has been one of the most supportive places I have ever been. I found MDJ by mistaking looking for drs to help me with my many health issues and since that day over a year ago I have found a tight nit little family that keeps me going when the times are tough and offers me a place of retreat to share my successes and failures with others. I get to see the humor and seriousness of what I experience as well as the resources to learn about my health conditions. Thanks MDJ" (peasha)

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heatherr These are my thoughts on my life with Brandon, the love of my lifetime, who is a bipolar II in denial.


Its been a while...

Mar 26 2008

Since Ive written.  Not much to report.  No great news, no horrid news.  I feel as if i am sitting in some sort of purgatory, waiting for something to give one way or another.  He's still shooting the illegal drugs, now he just keeps them somewhere outside of our house and its all a big secret that he keeps from me.  What a great way to rebuild my trust, have a big fat old lie/secret that will never go away.  I threw out the relationship books, I figured since he is going to continue to keep secrets from me and lie to me, there's no point in working on the relationship.  I just dont see the point.  I know it could be worse but Im just not feeling the greatest about things today.  I dont think my meds are working, at least they havent been the last few days.  I dont feel relaxed, I have random thought patterns that are destructive and im having trouble sleeping again.  Sometimes I feel like he has "given" me his illness. 

A few days ago, i was excited about planning a girls weekend with my mom and sister.  We have never done anything together and ive been pushing it for a few years.  I finally got them to agree and we were discussing a date.  He was upset over this, and its obvious he doesnt want me to go.  He always leaves me feeling like there will be retribution.  Like he needs to go do something bad or wrong to punish me.  I feel like thats what he does, very strongly feel that.  I feel caged, like I cant do anything because of the fear of retribution.  I dont want to live like that.

Anyways, hope everyone else is doing well. *hugs* to you all!



Previous diary posts by heatherr:
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I hear ya!
written by jolamom, March 26, 2008
I get the guilt trip whenever I do something with my siters or my mom. We had a girls day a few weeks ago and even though he didn't give me grief I could see it in his eyes. Recently my sisters and I started planning a trip to Ireland for next year and I get snide remarks. Well, now my sisters have backed out and he's just grinning from ear to ear - I get tired of it. So every time I go out with the "girls" (which is like 1 or 2 times a year) I get a small tattoo smilies/smiley.gif It makes him so mad and I just laugh. These are my ways of making myself happy while knowingly he can't do anything about it!

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