Life on the teeter-totter

Since Ive written.  Not much to report.  No great news, no horrid news.  I feel as if i am sitting in some sort of purgatory, waiting for something to give one way or another.  He's still shooting the illegal drugs, now he just keeps them somewhere outside of our house and its all a big secret that he keeps from me.  What a great way to rebuild my trust, have a big fat old lie/secret that will never go away.  I threw out the relationship books, I figured since he is going to continue to keep secrets from me and lie to me, there's no point in working on the relationship.  I just dont see the point.  I know it could be worse but Im just not feeling the greatest about things today.  I dont think my meds are working, at least they havent been the last few days.  I dont feel relaxed, I have random thought patterns that are destructive and im having trouble sleeping again.  Sometimes I feel like he has "given" me his illness. 

A few days ago, i was excited about planning a girls weekend with my mom and sister.  We have never done anything together and ive been pushing it for a few years.  I finally got them to agree and we were discussing a date.  He was upset over this, and its obvious he doesnt want me to go.  He always leaves me feeling like there will be retribution.  Like he needs to go do something bad or wrong to punish me.  I feel like thats what he does, very strongly feel that.  I feel caged, like I cant do anything because of the fear of retribution.  I dont want to live like that.

Anyways, hope everyone else is doing well. *hugs* to you all!