|Aug 10 2009|
Well, I've spent yet another day in bed. I seem to be "ok" as long as I'm laying down, resting...but when I get up and start to move around or do anything, it hits me again. I guessI'm in a full flare. I've not been down this long since I had pneumonia.
I'm sure things at my job are not helping as you know the STRESS is a major factor in these types of illnesses. I'm nearly to the point of panic attacks again - which I hate - because of the 'evil one' at work that is just a mean-spirited bully. My husband told me last night that if I give up I am letting them win. He also told me I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself. (OUCH!) Maybe he is right.
With my health (both physical AND emotional) not improving right now, I just can't face the pack of wolves until I am well again. I am on FMLA so they know my job is "safe" right now. They are waiting and watching to see when or if I will fail and give in to them and their remarks.
I feel as if I have no where but HERE to turn anymore. My husband says he's just trying to give me a dose of reality (maybe tough love) but those words sting as well and add upon all of the pressure I am feeling. I used to love my job. Now - with what's going on - the thought of facing them again makes me physically ill....my stomach is tore to he!! - I am nauseated, have diarrhea, headache... all on top of the flu-like aches from Fibro AND the joint pain from Lupus. I feel as if I can't win.
Maybe I do need to weigh my options. Is this job WORTH my health? Is it worth becoming bed-ridden for? I don't think so. I will 'lose' no matter which option I chose. I suppose I'll see how I feel tomorrow...
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