Life as I know it

I have always had grief loss issues.  I know and understand why.  I started losing people at an early age.  I also know that this is part of my anxiety.  The fear that those I loveand care for evenutally I'll lose them.  But my anxiety is more than just that.  I don't like going to new places by myself.  I need to have a safe person.  I don't like strangers in my home.  Why?  It's a scary world and there are bad people.  You hear about it all the time on the news. 

But it's more than just that.  I'm slowly begining to realize that.  I don't have many memories from my childhood.  I don't know why I just don't.  Every once in a while I will remember something random but that's it.  And it's things I've always known just don't think about.  Over the past few months I have remembered a few things I'd rather not.  Such as my father threatening to kidnap my brother and me when I was 10.  Being 16 and having my purse stolen and feeling the tip of the knife at my side when they cut my purse strap.  Being 19 and waking up in my one bedroom apartment to find that someone had broken in and was there when I woke up. 

Everyone tried to shelter me from the bad side of life growing up.  They all believed I had already been through enough.  What did I go through that had everyone thinking that?  I have no idea.  No memory.  Funny thing is they don't know about anything of the things I remember. 

Then there are the memories I never forgot.  The FBI arresting the neighbor on warrents for rape in another state.  My moms husband's advances and fighting him then hiding from him. My mom's wreck where no one knew if she was alive or dead.  My best friend getting shot and dying. 

I can't help but wonder if these are the things I remember, then what don't I remember?  It can't be any worse so why don't I remember.  But it's simple things I don't remember. Names of teachers, childhood friends my birthday parties. It doesn't make sense to me.