|Aug 30 2011|
I want to know how to fix my brain. Why when things start happening I shut down. I feel like a lump...and I imagine myself just seeping into the ground while the world rushes around me. Like I'm not alive, just decomposing. I can't seperate it from my supposed PTSD either, since I know a triggering event is right around the corner, he is back sometime this week. And then I have a little voice in my head laughing at me, because I don't have any diagnosis, like part of me thinks I'm making it all up. That I really am just lazy. Since my daughter started first grade last week I've really just been a lump...I sit on the couch browsing the internet, my toddler watches movies all day long. I can't even tell you what I think about all day, it's like I'm in a cloud. Like I can pause my brain but it's involuntary. Now I'm feeling all this pressure, we have all of these changes coming and I think I'm sort of in denial rather than dealing with them...my mom bought a new house and we are going to move into her old one and rent from her. The baby is coming very, very soon and we don't have anything set up for him, just a bunch of unwashed baby clothes in a cardboard box. I think I am having a hard time seperating myself from my daughter, she is going to have to transfer schools and my anxiety about that is super high although she doesn't seem to be suffering about it yet. I am doing my best to not let her pick up on my anxiety. My husband already started packing things this morning and suggested that I could work on the same while I'm home but that thought makes me freeze up all the more too.
I hate not knowing when he is going to be here, what he will expect, how my daughter is going to handle spending time with her father again. My husband, he is trying to help, last night he said I should still be pressing charges, making a stand because I know it isn't right that he has legal access to her. I shut down while he was talking to me. I just want it to go away and I know it won't, and then I'm always wondering if I'm failing somehow by not fighting back, by not pressing charges or standing up to him. What can I do? I feel helpless.
My way of coping, it hasn't been great. I got another little kitten that we can't afford...we haven't gotten the other one spayed yet. We had money last week from the last of our taxes finally getting to us, so we were able to take care of a lot of back bills and stuff, get my daughter her school things. Some of it was supposed to go to getting the cats fixed, but my husband lost over $200 because of an unclear music agency...he writes music and he is always trying to find ways to get himself out there, and he found this online business that charges to send you lists of agents. I'm not certain what happened, I think he started adding lists and the website was not keeping a running total, and it wasn't until after he submitted the order and the money was gone out of our account that he knew how much it was. He has been calling the business and the bank trying to get the money back but I don't know when it will be cleared up. I think the business agreed to put the money back when they received the unopened lists back.
And the downward spiral continues, lol...I'm very aware of not being in school, and I hate it. I feel like my brain is fermenting. I feel like I'm not going anywhere. I feel like I'm screwing up my daughter by all the upheaval. I am scared I won't be able to bond well with this newest little one coming because I am in such a miserable spot. And meanwhile my two year old's brain is rotting too because I can't get myself to actually DO things with her :(
blah blah blah...
He wrote her a letter
Kitty in a Tree, Kids Melting Their Brains...
One year anniversary tomorrow
Members who read this post also read:
tired of this struggle
My heart actually feels broken