My husband has become cold towards me, I don't know why, mabe the fact that I am not working, his father passed leaving him to clean up the mess and basically no money.  We are really struggling, all we have is each other and I am ONCE AGAIN on this freakin edge.  Indendependance day is when John my neighbor killed himself, he was in Iraq was sent hom due to injury and was not allowed to re-enroll, ever since then he has not been himself, not he's dead.  My husband is leaving on a business trip and for reason he seems REALLY upset about it.  He has been really suspicious I caught him deleting his browser history the other day!! What the hell is all that about.  I know I am pms'ing which is ironic considering I no longer have periods....long story.  God he was restless tonight, which is why I am here, typing my woes away to strangers. 

Because of my knee I am unable to work, continue with my photography (going to have to close the business or I will be screwed come tax time), carry anything over ten pounds, avoid stairs, no kneeling, crouching etc, etc.  I guess I am lashing out as I feel like a stranger in my own house and something/someone else he has to take care of.  I have no experienced the ramnifications of suicide, so I can't do that, although I do still have ideations (just calm myself down)  I haven't had a belly laugh all year, we are broke, his grandmother is in a nursing home, so everyday on his way to work he has to deal with her, then come home and deal with me.  It's not fair on either of us.  I have tried to keep my problems quiet but I am not good at hiding my feelings, everytime I think I see a light at the end of the tunnell it's a locomotive with another load of c**p to spill onto us.  My husband are we have just us too.  I am so fearful if this carries on then we won't make our 10th anniversary in September, serioulsy I am very worried about that as communication seems to have come to a standstill.  He is started ignoring me when it is very obvious I am in an episode. I am angry, frustrated, unable to cry and fighting each moment just to keep goin gone hour at a time. Do you think Psychitarist know that we are scared of them?  Is he seeing someone else? why is he blanking me out? I want my life back.