Diary Entries for JonesFallsX

Quick Check in

JonesFallsX

Just trying to get back to taking things one day at a time. I'm still learning how to say no. Still learning how to take care of me. Just a quick check in today.

Step-by-step. Day-by-day. Moment-by-moment.

Serenity

JonesFallsX

"There are those who long for immortality that don't know what to do with a rainy Sunday aftenoon"

My favorite part of today was this morning. I sat for a few minutes on porch andlistened to the rain and watched the rain. I just sat that. I was at peace. I was still. I was alert and present. I hadn't planned it, I just had the thought "I want to go watch the rain" and I did. It was a wonderful way to start the morning.

I had more time this morning than [...]

Little Things

JonesFallsX

Just trying to show up today. Things have been ok, just busy and rushed lately. I've been sturggling to take the time to do the things that I need to do.

My struggle right now is not eatingbacon. I'm at work. I'vce eaten a full breakfast, have a healthy lunch packed, and will be eating a full dinner. I don't need to eat the bacon I smell cooking down in the cafe and I won't. It's just enticing.

But it's these little things. I'm trying to live a hea [...]

One day

JonesFallsX

I am tired today and that has me feeling spacey. It's a full day. Work 6 hours, drive 3 hours, celebrate my aunt's birthday. Then tomorrow I come right back to work an evening shift at my otherjob.

I'm not loving life to be honest. I don't like this schedule. I wish I had two days off. I wish I had a regular schedule. I began noticing last night and this morning that even though I'm good at customer service and working with children I don't know that I like it. I [...]

A Fine day

JonesFallsX

Still working at learning to live life off my computer. It's been a habit for so long that I kind of freeze when it comes to doing things off line. I think that's why I got sucked back in soeasily.

Today was fine. Not awesome, but not bad. Fine. A major part of my work right now is trying to be ok with fine. My fun acticvity today was continuing to watch a movie that I'm watching in parts. It wasn't great. There are things I like about the movie but I'm not loving it [...]

Another day. Good day.

JonesFallsX

Sitting here. Watching hockey. Cooking dinner. Feeling.......calm. So far today I've been to work (4hours), had a call from a friend, walked a dog, went to therapy, came home and worked on my puzzleand then went for a bike ride. I went to one of my favorite partks, right on the harbor, and did some program work.

Overall things are ok. I went skating again yesterday. I'm really enjoying ice skating buying those skates was a nice gift to myself and that they were only $5 dollars w [...]

derailed entry giggle

JonesFallsX

Some awareness has come today. Realzing something from childhood that was triggered by the movie I watched Saturday night; Realizing I was already in a shame spiral even before Saturday; Realizing that lies and even lieing to myself are a protection skill from childhood that is causing trouble in my life.

Just trying to be. Dealt with a lot of anger and frustration today. Right now I feel calm. Sad.

*************************

My roommate just came downstairs and interupted my [...]

slipped

JonesFallsX

My sponsor and I will be meeting Tuesday to discuss if what I looked at last night is a slip or not. By the letter of the law I don't think it is, by the spirit of the law I think it is. He toldme to try not to think about it and focus on today until then.

Today actually went well. I worked an early shift 5:30am - 12pm; came home watched the first hour of The Seven Samauri; Excercised and stretched for about 20minutes; then went to first my feed back group followed by my SAA me [...]

bad day

JonesFallsX

Today was not fun and is not fun right now. I'm in a mood. Sadness. Self hatred. I keep going to self hatred because I can't feel sadness. I think that's what's going on.

I wasinformed last night that I had the day off. I did my best with it. I'm tired. I feel exausted. I'm just glad it's over.

Step-by-step. Day-by-day. Moment-by-moment.

One day

JonesFallsX

Not sure what to say today. Been through a lot emotionally. Tough conversation with my boss. Two meetings. Two or three times today where I noticed myself overwelmed by feelings.

I thinkI'll leave it at that. I'm ready to rest for the day.

Step-by-step. Day-by-day. Moment-by-moment.

Still learning honesty

JonesFallsX

I am feeling some shame right now. I just lost a chance at a job. It's higher power's will and I accept that. I am proud of myself for being mostly honest. It's tough to let dissapointmentstay dissapointment and not dissolve into shame.

Long story short - a friend was able to get my resume put to the front of working with a very large law enforcement agency. It's been two months, but today they called back for a preliminary interview. After the inital questions wer [...]

It's ok to have an ok day.

JonesFallsX

Today was a good day. A day with challenges in it, but nothing too hard. No grand lessons learned. Just a day where I showed up and was as present as I could be for life.

The main peice of recoverytoday came with my therapist. He and I continue to struggle with communication and I continue to struggle with my comfort level, but it also feels like we're beginning to get through some of those layers. He finally seems both interested and willing to discuss my past which feels helpful a [...]

Awareness

JonesFallsX

Today I am being faced with one of my worst habits, I grab onto things that are negative and let go of what is positive - living in, dwelling on, the negative and negative feelings.

I went iceskating today. It was the first time in four years I went ice skating. The first time in my life I ever went ice skating alone. I went because I enjoy it. I went because I've wanted to do it for a while. I had a good time. It was a simple hour and a half. I hope to do it again.

I ca [...]

poor planned day

JonesFallsX

I didn't plan my day well and now i'm paying for it. I over scheduled myself. I'm done. It's done. It's been an ok day I am just exausted and still awake. I had hoped to be in bedby now. It's over now.

Step-by-step. Day-by-day. Moment-by-moment.

Sunday

JonesFallsX

Things are honestly ok right now. I have a lot of feelings but apart from some allergies acting up, most of what I'm experiencing is internal.

I'm starting to get really excitedabout Ice Skating on Tuesday. That is how I'm treating myself this week - Ice Skating on my day off! I realized today it's been four years since I've had ice skates on. I'm really grateful that higher power made it so I could own my own pair of ice skates.

Today went ok. After [...]

Friday night at work:

JonesFallsX

Very tired tonight. I had trouble falling asleep last night so I slept only about 5 and a half hours. Which won't kill me, but it's hard to turn around from a short night of sleep work my morningjob and then turn around and work my night job.

I've been very spacy and triggered tonight, which makes sense. It usually happens like this when I'm tired. Today's daily meditation was about letting go of perfectionism and it feels well timed. I was not perfect today, [...]

Next day, ok!

JonesFallsX

The theme for today feels like "Detaching with love." I've identified a couple areas where I need to detach and need to do so with love - most importantly love for myself.

I met with one of my sponsors today and went to two meetings so I'm not going to go into the details. Instead I'm going to recognize that I am drained and get ready for bed.

"I am recoverying human being, I take good care of myself: mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritua [...]

Just a check in

JonesFallsX

Just checking in today. I had a very nice meditation meeting tonight. The best parts of my day were the meeting and getting to enjoy a hockey game on tv before that. It feels so rare that I take sometime to just have fun and watch something for fun.

Therapy was rough today. I had to just come home and take a nap for an hour. I'll be checking in with my SAA sponsor tomorrow and I'll be bringing this up to talk about.

I worked out on Monday and I've felt very sore [...]

The Next 30 Days

JonesFallsX

A freind on Mdjunction used to say that recovery is 2 steps forward one step back. But the important part is that you are still moving forward. I miss her, she's one of many friends both here andin person who have come in & out of my life in the past few years. It's hard to accept that is ok. People come and people go. Our paths cross and we share the sunshine for a little bit then we each have to move forward and it's too bad that our paths don't cross anymore.

&nbs [...]

Step-by-step.

JonesFallsX

Today has felt better. It's wonderful to get a full night's sleep and not have to be up terribly early. My coworkers at my 2nd job always laugh that I consider coming to work at 9:30am sleepingin.

I had a birthday party today. It went ok. I always freak out before leading a party activity but it went well. It seems to be something that I am good at.

I am always amazed at the way people say "move on." I get it. I understand it. I took care of my Dad emotio [...]

Diary Entries for JonesFallsX

Quick Check in

Serenity

Little Things

One day

A Fine day

Another day. Good day.

derailed entry *giggle*

slipped

bad day

One day

Still learning honesty

It's ok to have an ok day.

Awareness

poor planned day

Sunday

Friday night at work:

Next day, ok!

Just a check in

The Next 30 Days

Step-by-step.

derailed entry giggle