|May 02 2011|
I'm pretty sure that at this point, M. has an idea of what I have to tell him, since he suddenly seems to be just as eager to come up with excuses to put off seeing each other as I am.
All day Friday he was texting and IMing during every layover, saying how he couldn't wait to see me. After he landed, even though I'd told him I had plans that night and would see him on Saturday, he called several times, leaving cute messages that nevertheless freaked me out, as he was still clearly manic and seemed to be totally oblivious to my obvious lack of enthusiasm. I didn't respond until several hours after his texts finally stopped and I was pretty sure he'd finally fallen asleep.
Saturday, he texted around noon to say that he was still sleeping (relief!!) and then again around 7:00 that night to ask if I was coming over to watch the fights with him. I responded by asking if his buddies were all going to be over, or if it would be just us. He didn't respond until an hour later, apologizing and saying that he'd dozed off again. I encouraged him to go back to bed if he was still jet lagged, and told him that we could just hang out on Sunday. Sunday morning he texted to say that he was still feeling really sick, and had an upset stomach. I pointed out that he was coming off jet lag and a 13 hour time difference, after a 2 week bender of drinking heavily every night, and not sleeping at all for the last 72 hours he was there, and he shouldn't expect to feel very good. He didn't respond to that.
Last night he finally texted to ask whether everything was ok, since he'd been home for 2 days and still hadn't seen me. Coward that I am, I responded with half the truth...I told him that his behavior last week was clearly manic, he'd been drinking nonstop, and I'd been a nervous wreck everytime I even had to talk to him over IM or text, and I didn't want to see him in that state. He just said "ok" and then a few minutes later "I'm sorry." I replied "I know you are," resisting the urge to add "but sorry doesn't undo the damage that's been done, or mean that it won't happen again." That just isn't a conversation I wanted to get into over text message.
Today he went in to work, but then left at lunch to see the doctor because apparently he still can't keep anything down. The doctor prescribed something and told him to go home, so presumably he's back at the house sleeping, which I'm thankful for. I know that I'm only delaying the inevitable, but every hour that he sleeps makes it a little more likely that he will be rational by the time we have to have that painful conversation. Now that the mania is subsiding, I'm not scared of how he will react, I just feel so incredibly sad that its come to this.
How do I tell him?
If I needed any further proof...
A big step!
He's asking the right questions
Another good day...keeping my fingers crossed that...
"Normal" is so nice...
Searching for signs
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