Diary Entries for grec

The Fall

grec

I was doing good. Anfortunately on friday I got really drunk I just fell to the floor several times. I am really embarrased and depressed. Another bump in the road for me. I guess I'll have to get up again and start over.

I feel bad becuase I know what happened. I am under a lot of stress and on friday I just drank my problems away, or at least I thought I'd blow them away. They are still here. I guess I can't cope with a lot of stress and I look for the easy way out, booze. [...]

On medication. Day 1

grec

Done... finished my lab work and as everything is OK my pdoc authorized me to start on sodium divalproate so I'm really excited to see what it does to my cycling. What I'm really concerned is the side effects of the medication. The mst complicated but afortunately rare is Hepatic failure and low plathelets whic can lead to bleeding. But more common are weight gain and sleepness.

Well I guess when you take the meds you finally accept the condition. So that's where I' [...]

AGAIN AND AGAIN

grec

Just keep doing the same. January was fantastic until now. What a dissapointment, I was doing fine and 3 days ago I started with this mix episode, but tending on hipomania with sadness it's reallyconfusing and annoying. The catalizer: Alcohol again. Do I have a serious alcohol abuse issue? Well I guess so... So I guess I'll have to enter that group as well. I've made my mind, stop trying to cope with my disturbing emptions... it's time for medication. I've finally decided [...]

HYPOMANIAC!

grec

Just passed this state and going into depression. I'm so embarrased. Last wednesday I went to a eat a barbaque at a friends house. I was really up. I was totally logorrheic I mean I just couldntstop talking, it was terrible. I drank and smoked and ate like it was the last day of my life. I feel so embarrased, it had been a long time since that. Now I feel guilt, and probably it's not that terrible as I imagine but I just think the worse about me.

It happens in the holliday [...]

I wish a was balanced...

grec

Balanced... Definition: a state of equilibrium

What is wrong with wanting to be balanced? That's what I wonder. Is it a terrible thought. I don't mean being mediocre that's a totally different thing. Is being Cyclothimic the definiton of unbalanced? I just gain weight, loose weight, don't smoke, smoke a lot, don't drink, drink a lot. It seems like I am in between the extremes never capable of stnading in the middle. Be on a healthy weight, do sports, st [...]

DON'T SAVE YOURSELF

grec

Don't save yourself

Don’t remain immobile
At the edge of the road
Don’t freeze the joy
Don’t love with reluctance
Don’t save yourself now
or ever
Don’t save yourself
Don’t fill with calm
Don’t reserve in the world
Only a secure place
Don’t let your eyelids fall
Heavily as judgments
Don’t speak without lips
Don’t sleep without sleepiness
Don&r [...]

Limbo - a state of mind.

grec

Sometimes I just feel stuck in Limbo, like I'm not in heaven nor hell, just an in between situation sometimes confortable, sometimes boring and sometimes confusing. Mixed states, in a mood chart itsan +/- the polarity simultaneously, kind of scaring becuase I don't know who will win. Will I feel like extremely good or sad tomorrow. I can feel it coming, It all depends on today, on what I do today. If today I go out (friday) and get excited, expanded, drink, stay under the flashing lig [...]

A good month

grec

I ussually remember to write on the bad days, but I think that it's quite unffair to do that with myself. I have to treasure the good ones. This past month was great for me I only had a total of5 diays in a down mood but not a terrible one, just those days you feel small and insecure but it really didn't affect my life at all. The rest odf the days were normal days, I mean, just ME! Me and my feelings. I did the lab work to start my meds but the doc forgot to test my plathelets. So I [...]

One good, one bad!

grec

Hi guys, It's been a while! I have good news I graduated! It was the happiest day of my life really, it was great! A dream come true and I wanted to share it with all of you. After a really depressingJuly and August, the 28th of August I finshed, though it was tough for me to study in those conditions. Now, when I should be really calm I started 4 days ago with a lot of irritability wich is a symptom I relate to both states, hipomaniac and depression, but I justo don't know in which part [...]

Relapse

grec

Hey, It's me again. Whatcan I say? It's happening again, I'm getting into a down again. It's quite frustrating because its only been 8 days since I recovered from my last depression. I totally know the trigger. I was on Friday quite well and having fun (not in an up mood as in other occasions) and I was drinking rum and fernet with some friends and I over drank, then at the party one of my friends brother was in the bar and he gave me free drinks and I drank as well. End of st [...]

First time

grec

Day 1 - I finally subscribed to the support group. I'm glad and have great expectations about it. It's great to share our experiences with people who understand what you go threw on adaily basis. I've been cycling for 6 years now and I'm a rapid mood swinger. That means I can be up for 4 days, down for 3, stabilized for a week, down 5 diays, uo 2, it's a mess! But I try to deal with it the best way I can, try to keep myself in balance thow it is so hard. I decided to [...]