I did some research work online yesterday for Add and at least got to this site.  But, I am frazzled and overwhelmed at the amount to read about, how many sites there are, and looking fora place to talk with other adults about ADD and the difficulties that they are having.  I found one support group that meets twice a month about 40 minutes from me.  I hope I can go and I hope it's useful.  I am taking 15mg once or twice a day of Adderall XR and one of the side effects is the coming down phase when I find myself getting cranky.  I am working on coping with the medication transition periods. 

 One of the things I have found that I can do is remove myself from the situation.  My 14 year old has been responsive to allowing me to end conversations when they get too heated or I find myself feeling that intense zzzzzzzzz! Feeling.  I can't think of a good word to describe it.  It's irritability but it's highly reactive and I have had to say out loud that I am irritable, I don't feel like I can control it, and I need to shut my mouth.  Fortunately I don't feel physical anymore.  The meds definitely help with that. 

I do find that getting out for a gentle walk where there are a lot of nature and green things is very helpful.  Maybe I should paint my entire townhouse green?  I read yesterday that mothers find parks calming for ADHD children and they think it's the green.  For me, it's nature and so much more, not being constrained, open air, open view, and so many comforting sensory experiences, but green is very important too.  I used to walk like a maniac but I can now walk much more gently and enjoy my walks.  I have hoped that my meds would fix me every second of the day but that's just not the way it works. 

 I've also discovered that being focused does not mean that I will be focused on what matters or what my priorities should be.  But, my brain works so much better on the medication because I can think, I have a filter which is soooo important because things don't just fly out of my mouth without announcing there presence or intentions.  I can actually assess how they might sound to another and what I want them to hear and feel and then reformulate the sentence or delete it all together.  WOW!  When I'm not on the medication I have no ability to judge what I've said, much of the time, I don't remember saying anything and don't understand why people's feeling are hurt. 

 It's a huge burden to bear at this age but I'm working on letting it go.  I do not hold my 14 year old responsible for what I know she can't control why should I take care of my own inner child with any less care?  Not holding myself responsible does not mean making excuses for myself.  Now that I know I have an even bigger burden to be responsible and seek the help I need until I find what works best for me and all those involved.  It means being aware of and separating myself whenever possible when I can feel my mood swing as the medicine wanes.  It means keeping my trap shut as long as possible and forcing the thoughts back up through my brain if possible.  It means journaling instead of speaking when necessary so that I can see what I'm saying and try to evaluate it. 

It seems to me that many parents and authorities who are focused on the behavior, I know that's all they can see, but if they only knew how horrible it is to be the child they would do all they could to rescue them.  There are so many time honored sayings to control behavior in children that are not applicable for children with ADHD and only cause more harm.  The behavior is only the tip of the iceberg, an outer visible barrier that they can see but the child can not.  There is so much of this malady that I can't see or hear anyone talking about and it truly frustrates me.

If I could share one thing that would help even one parent understand there child better what would it be?  The most common misconception that I am hearing parents talk about is that they believe the child has some ability to control it.  Even as an adult I can't control it.  I have some ability to minimize and control it.  I know right from wrong and once I took the medication a billion things made sense to me that I could not understand before.  What does that tell me about a child?  A child does not have my life experience and jillions of hours of counseling and self help groups. 

When I take my medication and it's working I am on, I am in the house, I have a filter, I can think, I can compose a sentence. I can feel at the same time that I'm thinking.  I can follow more than one direction at a time.  I can hear my own thoughts; I have a monitor, I can choose easily, I can make responsible decisions, I can comfort, I can feel remorse. I can say I'm sorry and truly mean it, I can laugh from my gut, and I can act appropriately.  I can love my mother who is also ADD.  I can love my children whit my whole heart and mind and I can do something about it. I can listen to a whole conversation, I can listen to several conversations simultaneously, I can respond in an appropriate time frame, I can wait my turn, & I can interact with others in conversation.  I can own my mistakes, anger and irritation.  I have hope for the first time in my life that I may be able to have friends because I might be able to be a good friend.  I can make good judgments and am able to handle confrontation reasonably with my pears and authority figures.  I can go to church and want to feel like I can be a useful member of society. I can listen to a whole sermon, or most of it, and understand, and most importantly apply it!  God is an authority figure and it's not surprise then that people with ADHD would have trouble with religion any more than they do with laws.  I can pray without having to write it down because if I don't write it out I can't stay focused on even the Lords Prayer which I repeat every single day!  Can you imagine not being able to get through something as simple as the Lords Prayer without being constantly distracted by your own thoughts? Can you imagine it taking you up to an hour to write down the Lord's Prayer even due to distractibility?  I can write.  I love writing.  I can compose a sentence and it makes sense and is what I want it to say.  I can review my own work which I have never been able to do unless forced to.  I can identify mistakes and correct them with ease.  Mistakes do not devastate me and make me want to trash everything I do.

I am not irritated, irritable, easily flustered, confused, daydreaming, unfocused or hyper focused, having random uncontrollable thoughts that are all important but have no order. Distracted, easily distracted, I'm not blaming everything on everyone and anything else and believing it's really their fault or they deserved it!  Forgetful, staring at others like a deer that's been caught in the headlights because I have not one thought in my head of what to say or do when someone is angry and yelling at me.  Guilty or ashamed all the time wondering what that horrible look in your eyes is for. Completely unable to figure out what I've done wrong, what I've done this time to upset someone.  Unable to understand the consequences of my behavior, impulsive and driven to do something, anything and it has to be done right now!  I do not interrupt inappropriately, I do not compete nor feel the need to compete with my 14 year old. I do not see her behavior as an attack on me personally and can respond to her appropriately and defuse the situation and her ADD rather than ignite it!  WOW!  What a relief for the both of us.  I am not easily fatigued and overwhelmed and I don't need to come home and sit and stare at the boob tube for hours to unwind which never works.  I am not vulnerable to predatory behavior because I can identify it.  I can also make much better choices about how to deal with predatory behavior.  I also don't blame myself for predatory behavior; it's not my own fault!  I am not so easily fooled, tricked, naive, and gullible.  What a relief that is. 

It does seem that much of what I've learned and been unable to apply has been stored for me and I am able to apply it now.  Thank God and I mean that with my whole heart, mind, body, and soul!  If this is any comfort for anyone then I am very thankful.  Don't give up on your ADHD child even if that child is yourself, and get whatever help is available to you.  I did not get help because I heard all the myths and accusations and stereotypes about ADHD and I was afraid of it.  Same excuse for my child.

 There is no doubt that work needs to be done.  Much of the problem with adult ADD is that we have no one to advocate for us or drag us into an office.  Self diagnosis is very difficult and we are so defiant when it comes to any kind of authority figure.  If you are like me, you've had so many problems with authority figures that even the thought of seeing another one is enough to send you over the edge.  I suspected for sometime that I might be ADD long before I did anything about it.  It took yet another crisis in my life and a chance opportunity to try some ADHD medication to push me into getting diagnosed and pursuing getting the help I need.

Then, there's facing the authority figures and peers who seem to suspect some are trying to get the diagnosis for the drugs!  I was flabbergasted that anyone would go to that extreme.  I can't imagine wanting to be ADD.  And then there are the problems with friends and family who may think you are just making excuses for yourself again and looking for a way out.  Good lord, I can tell the lifetime effects of ADD have worn me nearly thread bare of any support system.  I had one friend left but after speaking with her and trying to tell her about this she will not answer my phone calls or emails.  And, I will save family for another day!