It feels like I'm on a pretty even keel now.  I know when and for how long the peek times for the medicine are.  The biggest thing I'm working on now is what I want to accomplishand when.  There is so much to get done on any given day and sometimes, many times, I would rather write or go for a walk.  It's been nice to have sunshine and even feel like getting out for a walk.  I feel like I have been under so much pressure internally and the medicine relieves that pressure.  I know there is so much organization and clean up work to do in my life and I feel a little guilty for really using and enjoying the freedom from an unfocused mind and all that impulsivity driving me.  I think I should be doing more things and accomplishing more each day.  I think I know what it is.  All of a sudden I can function in interpersonal relationships with my daughters and so they are taking as much advantage of that as they can.  So, it looks like I'm not getting things done on the outside but in reality, I'm cleaning up some internal mess.  I think as I get the internal messes cleaned up the outside will start to look better too. 

Ali and I are having moments of bonding that have been missing from our relationship.  I can't tell you how wonderful it is to get genuine affection and laughter from her.  I saw my psych today and after my explaining all that we have been through in just these 2 short weeks since I last saw him.  He said that he thought that my increased ability to set boundaries and react proportionately to the situation rather than, impulsively has created a new sense of safety for Ali that allows her to open up to a new part in the relationship.  It's been very touching to experience this and affirming that I really am on the right path.

 

It's been a very good day today.  I woke up feeling like sunshine, got up, took a shower, made coffee (decaf), wrote in my diary, went for a walk, did some shopping, made lists of what I wantedto accomplish.  I did not get most of it donw but I got some of it done and figured out that I need to do the mind stuff while my meds are peaking and then get moving and do the body stuff when my meds start to decline.  I can then use the lists I made to help keep me motivated, functioning, and on track.  I'm getting the timing down now so that I know what to expect and when to expect the iritability to start creeping back in.  Ali and I used a lot of laughter today to fight the irritability which was awsome.  I wish we could do that everyday!  I feel like I'm bonding with her for the first time in a long time.  She let me tickle and goof around with her, and actually seemed like she liked it, for the first time in a very long time.  I think we are establishing  a certain amount of trust.  It feels really good even now.

I think I'm better today.  I took one dose at about 9 this morning and worked until 2 with my boss.  She is very intense but it seemed to go ok until she needed a cup of coffee.  She is hard to talk to once she gets something in her mind there's no saying no.  I just have to deal with the aftermath she leaves behind. 

I could not stand to spend another nite fighting with Ali so I took my second dose at about 5 p.m.  I am praying that I will be able to sleep.  It helped emmensely in being able to get along with Ali.  I must somehow antagonize her when I am not on meds or they are not working.  I know that I am very defensive and/or emotional with her if I'm not on meds it seems like she is always attacking me, or it feels like it to me.  I wish I knew.  I wish I coudl figure it out.  I wish I could be different just because I take the meds.  I can't figure out how to transfer the ability to defuse her when my meds are'nt working that I so easily do when they are.  It's not fair to either of us.  I do so much better on medication and I wish it worked 100% of the time.  I really hope that I am able to find what works the best for both of us. 

I wonder if ADHD is really about people who are extroverted?  I don't think that's fair to them.  I have two daughter who are extroverted and I'm pretty darn sure they are both ADD and would be classified as ADHD because they are extroverted.  I have another daughter who is an introvert like me, just as ADD as I am and would go completely undiagnosed because of it.  Or at least until she was old and gray like her mom and her life was a shambles like mine before she was able to get the help she needs.  God help me, us, that won't happen to her, or any of them.  I hope that won't happen to any of them.  I can't stand the thought of any of their children growing up hating them and loving them at the same time but never getting their own needs met.  Never knowing why, blaming themselves, blaming their parents, and on and on  it goes into infinity.  God help us, this will end in this generation and a cure will be found before to many more generations pass.  It's nice to be with them even for as precious little time as this medicine allows.  I like myself so much on medicine and hate myself so much when I'm not.  How is counsceling going to help with that?  So, priority one with Mark my psych will be, how am I going to be able to stand myself.

I really hate this malady!  It's just not fair!  I hate having it, I hate it when the medicine where's off and my ADD daughter is just as mean as can be and drowning in her own malady.  I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.  I'm working two jobs to pay bills and she gets a very genrous allowance and she is mad at me for not buying her halloween cosutme.  I know it's not her talking, but it really hurts to work so dang hard and come home to a mean speaking, tantrum throwing, hormonal ADHD 14 year old.  The other side of ADD is that I get so dang emotional and I'm so vulnerable to abusive behvior because I don't have all my faculties intact to filter what is mine to own and what to throw out.  And why does this dang diary not have spell check for crying out loud?

I don't feel like writing today.  I worked with my boss, who is nice for a boss, all day and I may be working with her again tomorow for a few hours.  She's a nice lady but all bossesare under pressure that of course, rolls down hill!  I only took my meds once today.  I did not feel well for the last three days but did not recognize that I was not feeling that well.  I think the Adderall masks the symptoms of a cold and kept me going a little too much.  I'm taking it easy tonigh and being a lounge lizard.

 

I did some research work online yesterday for Add and at least got to this site.  But, I am frazzled and overwhelmed at the amount to read about, how many sites there are, and looking fora place to talk with other adults about ADD and the difficulties that they are having.  I found one support group that meets twice a month about 40 minutes from me.  I hope I can go and I hope it's useful.  I am taking 15mg once or twice a day of Adderall XR and one of the side effects is the coming down phase when I find myself getting cranky.  I am working on coping with the medication transition periods. 

 One of the things I have found that I can do is remove myself from the situation.  My 14 year old has been responsive to allowing me to end conversations when they get too heated or I find myself feeling that intense zzzzzzzzz! Feeling.  I can't think of a good word to describe it.  It's irritability but it's highly reactive and I have had to say out loud that I am irritable, I don't feel like I can control it, and I need to shut my mouth.  Fortunately I don't feel physical anymore.  The meds definitely help with that. 

I do find that getting out for a gentle walk where there are a lot of nature and green things is very helpful.  Maybe I should paint my entire townhouse green?  I read yesterday that mothers find parks calming for ADHD children and they think it's the green.  For me, it's nature and so much more, not being constrained, open air, open view, and so many comforting sensory experiences, but green is very important too.  I used to walk like a maniac but I can now walk much more gently and enjoy my walks.  I have hoped that my meds would fix me every second of the day but that's just not the way it works. 

 I've also discovered that being focused does not mean that I will be focused on what matters or what my priorities should be.  But, my brain works so much better on the medication because I can think, I have a filter which is soooo important because things don't just fly out of my mouth without announcing there presence or intentions.  I can actually assess how they might sound to another and what I want them to hear and feel and then reformulate the sentence or delete it all together.  WOW!  When I'm not on the medication I have no ability to judge what I've said, much of the time, I don't remember saying anything and don't understand why people's feeling are hurt. 

 It's a huge burden to bear at this age but I'm working on letting it go.  I do not hold my 14 year old responsible for what I know she can't control why should I take care of my own inner child with any less care?  Not holding myself responsible does not mean making excuses for myself.  Now that I know I have an even bigger burden to be responsible and seek the help I need until I find what works best for me and all those involved.  It means being aware of and separating myself whenever possible when I can feel my mood swing as the medicine wanes.  It means keeping my trap shut as long as possible and forcing the thoughts back up through my brain if possible.  It means journaling instead of speaking when necessary so that I can see what I'm saying and try to evaluate it. 

It seems to me that many parents and authorities who are focused on the behavior, I know that's all they can see, but if they only knew how horrible it is to be the child they would do all they could to rescue them.  There are so many time honored sayings to control behavior in children that are not applicable for children with ADHD and only cause more harm.  The behavior is only the tip of the iceberg, an outer visible barrier that they can see but the child can not.  There is so much of this malady that I can't see or hear anyone talking about and it truly frustrates me.

If I could share one thing that would help even one parent understand there child better what would it be?  The most common misconception that I am hearing parents talk about is that they believe the child has some ability to control it.  Even as an adult I can't control it.  I have some ability to minimize and control it.  I know right from wrong and once I took the medication a billion things made sense to me that I could not understand before.  What does that tell me about a child?  A child does not have my life experience and jillions of hours of counseling and self help groups. 

When I take my medication and it's working I am on, I am in the house, I have a filter, I can think, I can compose a sentence. I can feel at the same time that I'm thinking.  I can follow more than one direction at a time.  I can hear my own thoughts; I have a monitor, I can choose easily, I can make responsible decisions, I can comfort, I can feel remorse. I can say I'm sorry and truly mean it, I can laugh from my gut, and I can act appropriately.  I can love my mother who is also ADD.  I can love my children whit my whole heart and mind and I can do something about it. I can listen to a whole conversation, I can listen to several conversations simultaneously, I can respond in an appropriate time frame, I can wait my turn, & I can interact with others in conversation.  I can own my mistakes, anger and irritation.  I have hope for the first time in my life that I may be able to have friends because I might be able to be a good friend.  I can make good judgments and am able to handle confrontation reasonably with my pears and authority figures.  I can go to church and want to feel like I can be a useful member of society. I can listen to a whole sermon, or most of it, and understand, and most importantly apply it!  God is an authority figure and it's not surprise then that people with ADHD would have trouble with religion any more than they do with laws.  I can pray without having to write it down because if I don't write it out I can't stay focused on even the Lords Prayer which I repeat every single day!  Can you imagine not being able to get through something as simple as the Lords Prayer without being constantly distracted by your own thoughts? Can you imagine it taking you up to an hour to write down the Lord's Prayer even due to distractibility?  I can write.  I love writing.  I can compose a sentence and it makes sense and is what I want it to say.  I can review my own work which I have never been able to do unless forced to.  I can identify mistakes and correct them with ease.  Mistakes do not devastate me and make me want to trash everything I do.

I am not irritated, irritable, easily flustered, confused, daydreaming, unfocused or hyper focused, having random uncontrollable thoughts that are all important but have no order. Distracted, easily distracted, I'm not blaming everything on everyone and anything else and believing it's really their fault or they deserved it!  Forgetful, staring at others like a deer that's been caught in the headlights because I have not one thought in my head of what to say or do when someone is angry and yelling at me.  Guilty or ashamed all the time wondering what that horrible look in your eyes is for. Completely unable to figure out what I've done wrong, what I've done this time to upset someone.  Unable to understand the consequences of my behavior, impulsive and driven to do something, anything and it has to be done right now!  I do not interrupt inappropriately, I do not compete nor feel the need to compete with my 14 year old. I do not see her behavior as an attack on me personally and can respond to her appropriately and defuse the situation and her ADD rather than ignite it!  WOW!  What a relief for the both of us.  I am not easily fatigued and overwhelmed and I don't need to come home and sit and stare at the boob tube for hours to unwind which never works.  I am not vulnerable to predatory behavior because I can identify it.  I can also make much better choices about how to deal with predatory behavior.  I also don't blame myself for predatory behavior; it's not my own fault!  I am not so easily fooled, tricked, naive, and gullible.  What a relief that is. 

It does seem that much of what I've learned and been unable to apply has been stored for me and I am able to apply it now.  Thank God and I mean that with my whole heart, mind, body, and soul!  If this is any comfort for anyone then I am very thankful.  Don't give up on your ADHD child even if that child is yourself, and get whatever help is available to you.  I did not get help because I heard all the myths and accusations and stereotypes about ADHD and I was afraid of it.  Same excuse for my child.

 There is no doubt that work needs to be done.  Much of the problem with adult ADD is that we have no one to advocate for us or drag us into an office.  Self diagnosis is very difficult and we are so defiant when it comes to any kind of authority figure.  If you are like me, you've had so many problems with authority figures that even the thought of seeing another one is enough to send you over the edge.  I suspected for sometime that I might be ADD long before I did anything about it.  It took yet another crisis in my life and a chance opportunity to try some ADHD medication to push me into getting diagnosed and pursuing getting the help I need.

Then, there's facing the authority figures and peers who seem to suspect some are trying to get the diagnosis for the drugs!  I was flabbergasted that anyone would go to that extreme.  I can't imagine wanting to be ADD.  And then there are the problems with friends and family who may think you are just making excuses for yourself again and looking for a way out.  Good lord, I can tell the lifetime effects of ADD have worn me nearly thread bare of any support system.  I had one friend left but after speaking with her and trying to tell her about this she will not answer my phone calls or emails.  And, I will save family for another day!