I guess I have too many things on my mind.  I feel so down today I just feel like crying.

I am frustrated about my job.  I really love my work but I feel like I just cannotdo my best anymore.  It kills me when I miss obvious errors when I am editing.  I have a very simple (as in lots of pictures) article to do and I just can't get my thoughts streaight to do it.  I have another (for a different client) that pays very well but, once again, I feel too scattered to pull it all together.

I am really considering applying for SSD.  The thought of it really kills me though.  All I would get is around $400 a month, which is really sad.  I just don't know if I should do it.  I know I can still earn a small amount along with it.  I just keep thinking "What if I get better and can work more?  I could earn WAY more than that."  It's silly though.  I know I'm not going to get better.

I keep thinking about my mom too.  Every morning I wake up and wonder if this is the day I will hear that she died.  Honestly, I never thought it would be such a hard thing to deal with.  She was not a wonderful, loving mother.

Being my grandmother, she never tired of reminding me that no one wanted me as a baby.  She even told me that if she'd known what I was going to be like she never would have adopted me.   My real mother, even though she didn't raise me, was always loving and supportive.  Now she takes care of Mom and it is very hard on her.

To top of all the stress, I just really feel like crap.  I am so sick of hurting.  I am so sick of being nauseated.  I am so sick of being exhausted just from taking a shower!  I'm just sick of being sick. 

I want a few good days here and there.  I want to go for a walk or go to the beach.  I want to go have fun with friends.  Mom always said "If wishes were horses, beggars would ride."  Silly, but it comes to mind as I write this.

I have several friends who have fibro.  Seems that they are able to do so much more than me.  I don't understand why.  I don't want them to suffer more than they do, but why is it so much easier for them?

I hardly ever leave the house.  Just going out side makes my head pound more.  Sitting up and being on the computer make me nauseated (which makes work harder).  I can't stand sound.  It is tgo the point where I get mad at my kids for laughing and having fun.  And that is terrible.

I just want to sleep, but I wake up hurting more.  It seems like I have been taking more and more pain medication and getting less and less relief.  It probably is weather-related.  These tropical storms probably have a huge effect.  

I do have another doctor appointment on October 2.  I was going to try to find a different doctor but I so dread starting all over again.  I really like my doctor, the trick is getting in and actually seeing her.  Maybe she will have some new ideas.  If not, I think I want to just crawl in a hole and die.