| Dec 01 2008 |
I realized part of the reason why I am such a mess right now and questioning everything in my life. The 1st anniversary of my mother's death is this coming Sunday. We never got along, had a very poor relationship - at best. She never apologized for anything she ever said or did to me while I was growing up. A few years ago, I confronted her on a few issues that I need resolution for and she denied all of it. So, not only did I get no where with her, but nothing ever got resolved before she died. Even a simple "I'm sorry" would have sufficed. But nothing. I'm still very angry and bitter toward her; I know that I need to somehow let go of that anger and bitterness, but I'm not sure how to do that yet. This is something that I will be working on therapy, that's for sure.
When she died, I was already a mess. I had just gotten out of the hospital (was in for the 2nd time) about a week before she died and with the way I was, with the agoraphobia and most of my mother's family not liking me any way, I decided not to go to her funeral. My dad, my husband, and my therapist all advised that I not go because it would probably land me back in the hospital. I am the proverbial (sp?) "black sheep" on my mother's side of the family and always will be. To this day, since the funeral, my sister still has not spoken, written or emailed me. They just don't want to hear anything as far as explanations go about my illnesses; why I couldn't go to the funeral, etc. They just see it as the "rotten" daughter who wouldn't attend her own mother's funeral. I do feel guilty for not going, but logically I know that there was no way in hell I could have attended. The two hour drive each way would have done me in, never mind anything else.
Another reason for my down swing is Christmas. I'm not fond of Christmas, mainly because my father never made it fun for us kids. He always bitched because we could never stay home for the day, we always had to go to my grandparents as that was the only time of year that the entire family was together. We always ended up having a good time at my grandparents, because we had many cousins to play with and I hung out w/my grandfather a lot (I was his favorite). But I have tried to get past that over the years because I have always wanted Christmas to be fun for my kids and want them to have good memories of it. So we will probably get the tree and decorations out this week and get things set up.
I know in my heart there are times that I wish I could just die because I don't think I can deal with any more heartache. I know I'm a strong person, always have been. But there's a "crack" in that wall that I've built around me and it's beginning to crumble. I've always liked having that wall because there aren't many people that I let get too close because some how I always seem to get hurt. So I just don't allow too many people to get too close to me. Maybe that's not the attitude I should have, but after especially after this past 1.5 years and having gone through all of the hospitalizations, gotten all the different dianoses, and still being a mess, it's hard letting people in. I guess that's all for now
It is hard to go through childhood issues. It took me years to forgive everyone. I had to write down everything they did that hurt me and how it made me feel. Then I need to forgive them. It was hard but neccessary for me to overcome my anxiety and feelings like I had to help the whole world to have people like me.
Please know you can talk to me. I care. You are a good lady. You did what you could do at the time. That is all you can do. hugs
It was at that point that I "dis-owned" him. I never responded to any attempted letters again. He doesn't know where I live, what my name is, nothing. And I only have a general idea where he is. I can only assume he is still alive, because as far as I know, I am his only child, and I think I would have been notified of his death.
It was the dis-owning him that freed me. I went on to run my life with no further thoughts of him, and that felt good.
I like the idea of writing a letter to your mother to get it all out, and then burning it. I think that would be very cathartic for you. Give it a try.
You, your husband(?) and your kids deserve happy memories of Christmas. Put your past aside and concentrate on YOUR family. Look into the faces of your sweet children. Look at your husband and remember why you married him. Then look at you...the one who can provide these happy memories for not only them, but for you.
Live from this day forward. Don't let the past interfere with your life anymore.
My kids have always had good Christmases because I don't want them to have bad memories. I want them to be happy and to be able to carry on that tradition of being happy.
I will try very hard not to let the past interfere with my life, but I'll admit it isn't easy. As Jritchie said, it's hard to let go of childhood issues, most of them I have been able to work through during therapy, but there is still the issue of my mother to work through. Although I'll never forget the other things that happened, I have forgiven and put them aside in a little "closet" in my head that rarely ever gets opened. This is what I need to do with my issues with my mother. Thank you all.
It's hard to let go of those childhood issues; heaven's knows I've tried. Have you ever tried writing a letter to your Mom, just getting it all out, and then burning it? It might be cathartic.
Try to keep busy in the next few days, sweetie, and stop in her for support.