Since this is so long, I decided to put it here instead of posting it.

As some of you may remember, I have mentioned that I have had a lot of trouble with my now 16 y/o son. For those that don't know, here's a quick rundown (most of this took place between the time he was 10-14). He has major depression and hears voices when very depressed or mad. He has runaway countless times, he was violent, out of control, he set a fire in my house, we had the police here several times because of all these issues and I had to admit him to psych wards 4 different times. Setting the fire was the final straw, I brought charges against him and we ended up going to court and he was removed from the home and placed in an inpatient treatment facility for boys for 2 years. He has now been home for a little over 2 years and has done very well - up until recently.

He's depressed, in therapy and on meds.  Most of the depression revolves around his anger towards his sister, whom he doesn't like and never has. His issue with her is that "he was never asked if he wanted a sister". Yes, he has said this to us - more than once. We just saw his pdoc last week and he doesn't think we need to change his meds because he's angry at his sister, he just doesn't think it's justified. I tend to agree. He's done well on these meds and if it's mostly anger directed towards one person, then why change things.

Now, our local high school has a program where parents can go in and check their kids' grades, whether or not they've handed in assignments, etc. Well, I did that yesterday. With the 3 classes that had placed grades over the weekend, he is currently failing 2 and has a D in the other. The other two classes, he likes and I'm sure he is doing well in them. The other classes are all core classes that he absolutely needs and needs to pass. Last quarter which just ended about three weeks ago, he brought home a very good report card. He has the smarts to do the work, he just doesn't want to do it and that's what he told me yesterday. He's just being lazy

After seeing this, I got on his case about the grades and he lost it. He threatened to leave because I'm "always" on his case and because of the relationship with his sister. I told him he had two choices - either shape up and do what was needed to bring up his grades to at least an 80 in all classes and stay away from his sister (she's a 14 y/o snot - btw) or he could leave. I told him if he left then I would call the police and report him as a runaway. Well, he chose to leave. I decided to wait 1 hour before I called the police in case he just needed time to cool down and come back. Well, that's exactly what he did. Luckily for him. When he got back, I told him next time the call would be made right away because I'm not playing the same games with him that we went through before.  I also told him that I had no problem with him being placed somewhere until he's 18. I know, mean and cruel. 

A couple of months ago, he was supposedly suicidal again and we had him admitted to the hosp. again. I say supposedly because while in the ER waiting for everything to be done for his transfer, he was very jovial, agreeable and just appeared to be having a great time. I personally think this has become a game to him and that I'm going to jump every time he threatens to leave or say suicide. But I'm not going to. He's got to learn how to handle life w/o all this drama and understand that life isn't always going to go his way. He tends to look at life through the proverbial "rose colored glasses" and wants it all to be great.

Quite honestly, and some of you may think that I'm being cold and cruel with my saying this, he is partly to blame for my nervous breakdown. I got to a point that I just couldn't deal with any more and snapped. I was suicidal and was ready to take all my meds, lay down, go to sleep, and hope to never wake up again. When I had a moment of thinking clearly, I decided to call a friend and had her drive me to the ER and was admitted to their psych ward for 2 weeks. Again, some may think I'm being cruel, but I will not go through this again, I honestly don't have the strength for it. I need to concentrate on me getting better and getting through all of my issues instead of focusing solely on him, which is what I did before.

How much is one person supposed to take? I just don't even know any more. I just know I'm not giving in to his antics and go through what I went through before with him. I just don't have it in me to do it all over again.