Oh What a Night! (and it's not even late December '63!).
It's morning, and the welcome sanctuary, peace and solitude that night time brings is over far too early! Snuggled up warm (but alone) in my bed. I've been (and still am) listening to the sound of rain, and a little thunder, which is built into my Sony bedside alarm/radio iphone cradle thingy. It might help to quell my anxiety a little... perhaps. Everything is now labelled with the "perhaps" tag. No certainties any more. Even if they are self-manufactured. Or, as a friend of mine, who works in Mental Health, tells me, "the way we filter"!
I'm rambling on as usual, going off on tangents. So back to the here and now(ish). I am still smarting after my so-called evaluation for psychotherapy, I had on Monday. Some uncomfortable issues that I may have have unsettled me. I felt very much that everything I was saying, I was really saying something else! Are we all really that pre-programmed, automatic and predictable? No such thing as individualism? Am I merely nothing more that an organic machine? Is my personality just "off-the-shelf"? My soul just a bunch of zeros and ones?
I was made to believe... now here's a tricky one to get your head around... that (amongst other things) I may misread the real meaning (and perhaps motive behind) things that are done, and said to me. Which if true, may be the reason I'm feeling, and saying what I'm saying here. But, on the other hand, if I'm misreading, I may have misread that she was really hinting at that! Oh dear! My head hurts!
See my problem?!!
Other issues were raised, which upset me (if they are true - or is that my perception?). I might explore those a little on here on another day. At the moment I'm starting to get grey matter overload. And my Soulmate has just sent me a text, to say she's on her way here. Yippee! Company! Or an argument :o(
There are more things I wanted to say here. Talk to you later Diary :o)
Do I want to sit here and reveal to the world what my dark thoughts and feelings are? Part of me does, and another part of me thinks it's not such a good idea! "Honesty is the best policy", I've heard a thousand times! "Better out than in" a thousand more! Maybe, just maybe, another troubled soul might read my mutterings, and say they feel this way too... or worse! Not that I would wish another soul on this Earth (man or beast) to feel what I have been feeling since April!! No sir!!
So, on with the here and now (and a few questions I expect):
The last twenty four hours have been hard... REALLY HARD! I have forced myself (and it really took some doing) to face one of my demons. But do I feel better for doing it, or the feeling of triumph? Do I Hell!!
One of my BIG issues, is being in my house. Particularly at night, and alone. I don't believe I'm suffering from claustrophobia, a it is mostly THIS HOUSE (but the being alone part I struggle with, wherever I am). I feel haunted by the isolation, and problems associated with this house. Yet, when I fall back to the not so distant memories of happier times here, that distresses me even more!!
Yesterday I made myself sleep here. I had to try everything under the sun to keep my mind occupied. Almost all of the time, my fight or flight response was on the verge of kicking in!
Dear Lord! It is becoming all too much for me now! I know there are people here suffering far more than I. How to they cope? I salute them all! The bravepoor souls!
Yet, here I am complaining! I'm going through HELL! I am crumbling! Dysfunctional! My life has just stopped! I am in a bubble, and so, so frightened! Is this what depression is?
Up until six months ago, I had NEVER experienced anything like this! I am SO guilty of underestimating! A life-long characteristic of my blunders on this earth!
Another terrible weekend! What have I done? Looked at the walls! Alone! Depressed! Anxious! And hurting!
I'm going to stop now. My mind is a real mess. I can't string a paragraph together that will make sense. My soul is dying... nearly dead! HELP!
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