|Aug 09 2011|
Purging isn't always a bad thing..... I come here to purge my thoughts. We have to purge our files or the filing cabinet will burst. We have to purge the closets from time to time. We even needto purge the pipes of air once in a while. But purging after a binge is always a bad thing, no matter how you look at it.
I had a great day today.....didn't feel the urge to stuff myself, didn't feel lost or confused in life, didn't need the reassurance of anyone else. I felt strong and in control. Until I talked to my boyfriend. I let his lack of emotion dictate mine. Why do I allow that to happen? Why can't I just except him for what he has to give right now or not at all? Why do I always seek more from him than I know he can give and then pitty myself because of it? Why can't I just believe I am worthy?
The answer to these questions, even after all these years of growing and becoming a great mom and partner..... I still don't feel worthy! I don't ever feel I am good enough, or pretty enough, or smart enough......Why would my boyfriend really want to be in a fulfilling relationship with ME? Those feelings have been there since I was a teen. I conquer them from time to time, or perhaps hide them away.....but they always resurface. They always jump out and sabotage my life. They take hold and won't let go, then the small things are big things and I can't take them.
So today, I get off the phone with my boyfriend and have to stop at the store for a quick couple of things.......wrong choice. The closer I got to the store, the worse I felt. My heart was sad, my will power slipping away and my resolve to be healthy all but diminished. And wouldn't you know..... I did it again. I guess the bright side is, it only happened once today......but the reality of it is, I let myself down again. I disappoint myself on a daily basis and I don't know how to recover from that.
I give so willingly to everyone else in my life......but can't seem to care enough about myself to give to ME. I tell myself repeatedly....I am worthy! I am worthy! I am worthy! I am worthy! I am worthy! It is almost like my mantra......but it has yet to sink in. I still don't feel worthy of anything. How sad that is!
So here I am tonight, purging my heart and thoughts. I am laying it all out here for you to see. I am leaving the hurt and pain right here, I don't want it any more. I am not going to lug around this heavy heart and miserable thoughts any longer. If I can purge my heart and mind.....perhaps it will help me bring this to an end. I am thankful for the forum, I needed this more than I realized.
I need my family to realize, that I whole heartedly love them, but I must love ME first!
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