Diary Entries for tahkitten

So Many New Things.....

tahkitten

It's been some time since I've logged in, and I regret not keeping up. This place has been such a resource for me, and I recently stopped going to my physical group. For a long time it was a learning and growing experience for me, but the negativity and stress it began causing the last month made me reevaluate. I decided that since I was taking nothing away from the meetings except stress and frustration, that it was best not to go anymore, at least for awhile, to se [...]

Moving right along

tahkitten

My visits here have become quite infrequent, and that's something I'm afraid has done me more harm than good. I spent a month out of my physical support group, and find myself having a hard time wanting to go back. My symptoms are reappearing slowly but surely.....my anxiety level has gone up, along with my irritability. My catastrophic thoughts are coming back no matter how much I try to reason with them. It's a struggle, I know, I remind myself of how far [...]

Been a long time.....

tahkitten

It has been a very long time since I last visited and posted anything. Since my husband and I have gotten back together, time has been taken up with family, and working on getting our relationshipback in order. I have unfortunately stopped doing a lot of the things I was doing in order to get better and stay well, but I'm making a huge effort to start doing them again.

I have missed this site, I have missed the people, the conversations, the knowledge that I can glean fr [...]

Just plain here....

tahkitten

For a little while there I wasn't doing anything I was supposed to, not journaling, not doing my morning focus or evening wrap-up; not even exercising and eating right. And as far as a sleepschedule? Forget it! I blamed everything on moving, which was a huge stressor for me. But I realized somewhere in there that part of it was me rebelling against the move and all these changes. See, change is my biggest trigger for an episode. Surprisingly, being on two ant [...]

Here we go again

tahkitten

Woke up today irritated as hell. Every little thing was setting me off. I physically mauled the milk container because the stupid cap wasn't coming off and going back on right. Luckily, I can refrain from things with my kids, besides the occasional yelling episode when I tell them to do something for the FOURTH time!!!!! Of course, now I'm downward spiraling fast. I feel way worse than I have the past few days, I'm pretty angry at having to move, when [...]

Support in all it's forms

tahkitten

My 15 year old son recently broke up with his long time girlfriend. Knowing teenage romance, long term being a year, and all the drama that surrounds is, you can only imagine the emotional falloutfrom that. But his ex is a girl that from the first day I have loved very very much (since I don't have a daughter of my own). She has severe problems as well, mostly with depression, and I suspect eventually she will face a diagnosis of bipolar also.

She recently got admi [...]

Life and change

tahkitten

Since realizing last month how much I'm shelling out in doc visits, meds, etc., I have come to the conclusion that I can no longer afford to live on my own. Insurance comes in January, butI'm borrowing money every month to put gas in my car and buy groceries.....I just can't do it. The stress has made me go into deeper and deeper depressions recently, which frankly I can't tolerate. My support group is getting a little worn out with my swings and my suicidal [...]

Better and better

tahkitten

So with the prozac getting out of my system, I am finally feeling a bit better....the depression is always lurking around the corner, but so far in this cycle it has been kept away for the most part. So two good days in a row, working on the third one. Somehow I feel guilty that I'm having good days, I know, I know, it seems silly. But having been in such an acute stage and cycling so much, I get scared that a good day is only hypomania, and that since the manic&nb [...]

A little better.....

tahkitten

So doc took me off the Prozac and upped the Risperdal immediately. Of course Prozac has about a 2 week half life, so we'll see. I'm on the downside of a cycle right now. Tookthe Zung depression scale and scored a 63.....at least it wasn't an 80! :)

I'm trying so hard not to be frustrated with the med changes, with the constant waiting and never feeling in control of my own body, much less my moods. Going through a depressive phase after that crazy [...]

Mania, party of one?

tahkitten

So last Tuesday doc started me on Prozac 20 mg because my OCD is waaayyyy out of control, and starting to mess with my work, which is a safety issue. So for the past two days I'm feeling theneed to just go, go, go, get something done, and as soon as that's done, do something else. I have trouble falling asleep and I don't want to get up in the morning. My mind races, I have reoccurring thoughts nonstop which helps keep my mind racing.....I'm so freakin talkative [...]

A whole lot of day by day

tahkitten

I finally got my job back, after a few weeks of administrative reassignment and doing a desk job. I was miserable, I broke down so many times, I was so stressed. All I wanted was to get backto my job which I love, the one thing I know I'm so good at, that I feel I can actually enjoy. For some people I guess a job is a stressor, but I feel blessed that I can honestly say that besides the one or two incidents that stress me for a moment, all in all my job is something I enjoy [...]

Recovery and Relapse

tahkitten

Needless to say, I'm not going to get into the full description of all that has happened to me over the past month. I am almost a week out of my second hospitalization in less than a month. This is the fourth med change I'm working on, now I'm on Wellbutrin SR 150mg daily, Lamictal 150mg daily, Klonopin 1mg in the morning, 1mg at night. I'm still cycling, every morning is a slightly manic phase and every evening is a depressive phase, without fail. I have [...]

A Little Messy

tahkitten

Right now my thoughts are rough around the edges, to say the least. The meeting with the doc, the new meds, the emotional strain of working ridiculous hours......I keep telling myself that when I feel overwhelmed I need to take a breath and focus on something completely different than what's worrying me. The clonazepam is definitely knocking me out for the night....I missed a call out on duty last night, but another officer was working late and took the case, so whew! I gue [...]

A Right Step

tahkitten

After finally deciding that what was going on in my head and my life was more than I could handle, I found this online support group. I thought it was simply a bipolar group to exchange ideas, thoughtsand feelings. Boy, was I wrong!!! Every post I read, every story from every person I spoke with, every link and resource here has blown me away. I found a home, a place where who I am is no longer the abnormal, I'm normal, and it's perfectly okay to be this kind of n [...]

Bad Day

tahkitten

Since my husband and I separated in December, I haven't had health insurance. I have to pay out of pocket for my psych visits and meds. Effexor is over $200 freaking dollars!!!! But today was pretty crappy, because I realized I'm going to have to shuffle bills to afford this week's round of pills. I can't go to therapy because I can't afford a psychiatrist and a therapist at this point. I've put off separation paperwork, which would allow me [...]